Wow, W pushed one of my buttons really good earlier. She woke up at like 5pm and therefore missed her chance to go to yoga (long story on why 5pm, but won't go into that). She was mad... at me, because I didn't call to check on her when not seeing her online. She told me as much on instant messenger. Um... hello... I work all day and don't always have time to check to see if you're online. I'm not your personal backup alarm clock. My usual response would have been along those lines, and I would have really gone off on her. But, instead, I just said that I was running meetings all day (which I was) and didn't check instant messenger. Then, on the way home, I gave her a call, commented how I certainly understand how she can be upset about yoga - attempting to validate (her upset is that she paid for 6 weeks and now isn't going to be able to go for the next two). Hrm, now that I think about it, me being out of town for work 2 days this week and all next week probably have her a bit peeved at "me", too. I then asked about any day time classes, of which I already knew there were some, and she basically said it's not worth trying, now. Normally, I'd have pushed it, trying to solve the situation, but instead I just offered to pick up dinner on the way home (since I would otherwise have had to cook for me and the girls). Got the cold shoulder all the way.
I get home and W starts fixing pasta. Phone rings, she picks it up, says "No, we're not interested.... hello? ... hello? .... hello?" and hangs up... then proceeds to delete caller ID. Um... hi, me again... I know you just deleted caller ID... the phone doesn't quite beep like that except when you delete caller ID. I go and check another extension with caller ID, and sure enough it was SOB, I mean OM calling. I know he calls the house quite often, so that was no surprise - what was a surprise was him calling so late in the day, even if I *was* home 15 minutes earlier than usual. Maybe he was calling to check on where W had been all day. Went about my business, then realized I forgot to call her dad back, b/c I'm meeting her parents for dinner tomorrow night (going to be near where they live). Called her dad, and while on the phone, got some juice for one D2. I guess I forgot to put the cap on, or D2 took it off, and D2 proceeded to go over to W and pour the contents of the cup onto W's laptop. Keep in mind, W is already in a funk - she ended up doing her typical mope around, placing head in hands everywhere she stands for just a moment, and is now on the sofa dead to the world. Laptop is alive, if a bit sticky. I offered to check and clean it - W says no - normally I'd push it, but again just dropped it.
In talking with my IC about passive/aggressive behavior, she gives examples of where you take it, take it, take it, and then act out almost entirely subconsciously in aggression. I wonder if I subconsciously didn't put the cap on D2's sippy cup. I can't see how, as the girls are usually fairly careful, and certainly don't usually run at mommy and dump stuff all over her (although sometimes they do attack) - I think I was just busy - if indeed I did forget, because I'm not sure at this point. I just don't see how you stop passive/aggressiveness like that.
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Validating
Can anyone give a few examples of validating? I'm trying to do this a lot with my W, but I don't think I'm doing it quite right, or validating the stuff she's bringing up is bringing me down. She complains a LOT about school and politics. Since I do happen to agree with most of what she's saying, or at least sympathize, but rarely disagree, my attempts at validation take the form of "Wow, yeah, that sucks" or sometimes more complex discussion type comments (that don't usually lead into lengthy discussion). My typical response to such complaints in the past have been similar, but not really focused on what she's saying (rather, not obviously so) - it may have very easily seemed like I was saying "yeah, okay, sure honey" type not-listening comments. For the most part, I'm trying to make sure she knows I'm listening, if not trying to discuss the issue. As far as bringing me down, I start to get to where I can't take all this negativity. Before, this would have made me grumpy, and while not always likely to trigger an argument, it didn't make either of us swell company. Now, I just bottle that up and have nowhere to dump it in the short term.
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Update: I got Mouse out (the girls named the hamster, "Mouse", so that's his official name, now), and played with him and the girls. We eventually made it around the sofa, in front of W, and she seemed to perk up a bit. What's odd is she didn't get on her laptop for quite a while after the juice accident - totally would have figured her to need to talk to OM to pick her up. Then again, when she's really down, she's always pulled away from everyone, including the one she's closest to (ie. used to be me).
