My sitch - RC

[RemainCalm]

Hi GH,

I do figure that if I keep at this long enough, and my W doesn't decide to file for divorce any time soon, that she will eventually see what I'm doing as "fighting" actions. But, man, would I like to put a boot upside OM's head - except I've never been in a fight in my life, so... Occasionally, I do wonder if it her nature to need someone one to just say "you WILL stop this, and you will do it NOW" - she is such a submissive/bottom, but damn am I just not a true top.

I have found that my natural tendancy is to shelter W from my things that I PERCIEVED as things that would make her jealous, mad, whatever. So, when I was REALLY happy, I thought it would make her jealous.

I do this a bit, myself, but not to that great of an extent. But, I have tried to do it even less since starting DB. The one thing I've been avoiding is too much discussion of my time at the gym, and I haven't figured out why.

Sort of along the same lines, W's parents have this really weird habit of not telling their daughters about important stuff, like their grandfather is in the hospital about to die, until the very last moment... or in some more distant relative cases, not until after they've died. This has caused quite a lot of pain and heartache... and bitterness toward her parents. Well, I was talking to her parents last night (something I started to do more of just before d-day) and they told me her grandmother is now in a nursing home after she wasn't doing so well after a surgery. We knew about the surgery, but thought she was doing well. W got extremely angry - not at me (as she *repeatedly* kept saying), but at her parents and how they keep doing this. I told her, and have told her, that I'll never keep such information from her - ie. I won't try to protect her from pain by not telling her someone is not doing well, like in the hospital. So, I've tried to be very open with her about all sorts of things - but, I think I just didn't dredge up enough crap about my past, that I'd put in the PAST, that she feels I haven't been completely open with her.

But I digress...

So, GAL on the computer, with the kids, whatever, but the end result is supposed to be a HAPPIER, more FUN YOU, however that has to happen.

One problem I'm running into (I don't think I've mentioned this) is that I've never been what I'd call an "upbeat" person. I've historically been somewhat downbeat, but tried to keep it to myself. Goes toward that "low level depression" my IC and I talked about. So, lately, I've just tried to not ever let the downbeat show, and have *tried* to be upbeat, but damn it's hard when I've never really been that way. I don't want to have to fake it. Hence, trying to find NEW things I'm interested in and enjoy, to try to make me truly upbeat about life and what I'm accomplishing.

Later (in fact, grumbly post coming next),

RC