I fell too far behind on you so I will not respond to each thing you posted, but in general.
First, to that frequently talked about issue of her wanting you to fight for her. I am starting to think that is the MAJOR early hurdle that we, especially US men, have to face in our sitches. I faced it, and it seems like everyone is getting hung up on that aspect of things.
So, in the end, I think it's up to you to determine if that's what your W wants from you, for you to "fight" for her in a litteral way, or if really what she wants is you to "take ACTION for her" which is what DB/DR is. I know it's easy to think that she'll mistake what you are doing, or not understand that it IS action, but as I think PL said, most of the time they DO see our changes and recognized it for the "fighting" that it is. I know my W did.
As for the "paying attention to the kids" being part of the problem in your marriage, well, maybe, but then again, so was sitting on the computer but you know what, at this point, you need to do what makes you happy, and then allow that happiness to be on display to W. I have found that my natural tendancy is to shelter W from my things that I PERCIEVED as things that would make her jealous, mad, whatever. So, when I was REALLY happy, I thought it would make her jealous. When I did something fun, I downplayed it because I thought she would be mad at me for enjoying myself since likely she didn't. When I even played video games at home, I often didn't really act like I enjoyed it because I knew she hated them.
Know what? All that sold BOTH of us short, and really, gave me WAY too much credit for controlling her emotions/mood. When I understood that it wasn't all about me (really, that happened when I understood the AFFAIR was not about me), I figured out that I needed to just BE HAPPY, out in the open and not try to predict how W would react. Funny thing happened. W was actually HAPPY FOR ME and encouraged me to do more of that. Now you might think "yea, she was happy for you because it gave her an excuse to go out with OM more." but really, the more "happy for me" she got, the more our relationship grew closer. Also, the more I understood her moods often didn't have anything to do with me, or what I did, the better off we were.
So, GAL on the computer, with the kids, whatever, but the end result is supposed to be a HAPPIER, more FUN YOU, however that has to happen.
RC, keep going. You're getting there. I know it's hard, but there is progress being made, even if it's only inside you right now.
