My sitch - RC

[RemainCalm]

Thanks again for the response, GH.

Here's the thing. DB is not (even though some parts suggest it IS) a "do something" and then see immediate results. It's a way of thinking, a way of life. Actually, that's probably too strong, to call it a way of life. Maybe the best is to say it's a perspective.

Exactly - this is what I was trying to say - it's not that I'm expecting to see results, although I'm disappointed I haven't seen one, yet. I'm upset that I haven't kicked up the DB notch quicker.

It still seems like just about 97% of your attention is on your W, and the 3% that is on you is only there because of what it may do to attract HER attention.

You might just be right, here. I hadn't thought of it this way.

I think too often, especially after D-day, but for many of us long before, all the passion drains out of us. We become these robots, not really getting "up" or passionate about life any more. For a myriad of reasons, different (and surprisingly the same) for all of us, we are angry, depressed, tired, unhappy, unmotivated, lazy, overworked, etc, etc, etc. W sees this and is less than inspired to try to mend things, preferring to go where the supposed "light" is, i.e. OM.

Yeah, this was definitely me. The passion has been slowly draining out of me for about the past year - which is almost exactly as long as the A has been going on. I feel the A is the cause - or the lack of attention to our R that meant - but, perhaps it was a little the other way around, or both. Having been gone the better part a year, it's going to be a bit tough finding true passion in anything.

So, don't get down on yourself because you can't fill your time with great out-of-the-house adventures. If you can't get out, do something with the kids and REALLY enjoy it. Watch a movie, preferably a comedy, that you've really wanted to see, and laugh your a$$ off.

Getting out of the house is about the only thing available to me for GAL or finding enjoyment. I have so little time with my kids during the work week - get home around 6:30, them in bed by 8:30 - with dinner and such in there, I only have at most an hour with them on week days. I do try to spend that time well, such as taking them swimming or just playing in the living room. I might try the movie idea, since kid's movies are short. But, I have so much time outside of that, such as after putting them to bed, since I get to bed myself around midnight or 1am. Still trying to figure out the right thing to do with my time that isn't just doing something for doing something's sake, but something I actually find enjoyment in. I'll find it, eventually - in the meantime, you might hear me gripe about not having found it, yet.

As for the trip, I guess I am just worried that you have HUGE expectations, compounded by the money thing, and may sabotage any chance of a "nice" time.
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I just hope you are not looking to this trip as some kind of magical elixir, and that when you get W alone, away from the "daily grind" that she'll melt into your arms, forgetting all that's been going on.

Expectations - I've tried very hard not to have any, and I don't think I do. The only two thoughts that I have are (1) she can't see OM while we're there, and (2) I really want to go for my friend who's getting married. I do have fears that things will go bad, but I'm not expecting them to. I have zero hope that things will turn a corner for the better as a result of this trip - you might call that an expectation, and if that expectation is proven wrong, then so much the better (although I won't believe it has happened for quite some time). Sex is definitely out of the question - ain't going to happen - not an expectation, but a fact. The most I'll get to do is hold her arm in escort fashion. Yes, I'm going for reasons other than just me, but I plan on doing my best to enjoy it for me.

We're definitely doing the trip. I just have to get over my fear induced procrastination and buy the plane tickets.

All I can say is that you just need to focus on the kids and let things fall where they may. I know it hurts but you will be ok.

It's funny, but I think it's focusing on the kids that partially led to this A. The cause definitely has the factor of R neglect in it. Feels kind of contraindicative to focus on them so much right now. What I'm doing right now is not exactly changing my focus on them, but trying to place heavy focus on myself... "trying" being the operative word.

Lastly, it seems (and for sure, I have not been really good at reading you) that a LOT of what you are venting about is a lack of control over W. You HAVE to let that go. You cannot control her and the sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be as an individual AND as a partner.

Another factor of the A. I read in a resource outside of DB/DR about types of A's. It described one in which the spouse originally saw you as protective and comforting, but over time this turned into controlling. You never changed, but your spouse's perception of you did. Looking back, I can definitely see that in our R. W left a lot of things up to me, and came to me to "protect" her from various things. The way I handled all of them was to try to control the situation and/or come up with solutions, when probably all I really should have done was validate and be supportive, forgoing the attempt at finding solutions and offering advice. I see a lot of this in her R with OM. He's very controlling in the sense that he tells her what to do about so many things - "when you get home, work on your history paper", "take your pill (ritalin) today", etc etc. That resource I read talked about how this would be a recurring pattern in her relationships until she came to recognize it - something I now find obvious and can be applied to many A's. Anyway, as far as me letting go of this need to feel in control, it's going to be tough, but I know I have to do it. I've done it at work - 3 yrs ago, anyone would have told you I was a control freak, but not so much the case now - but, personal life is another story.

I really hope you pull out of the funk soon. You know it comes in waves and soon, it will crest, giving way to the next sorta "up" time. I think you are trying pretty hard, and know the right things to do. Just work on letting go of that control and making more REAL happy times for you that DON'T involve her.

Mantra: In time, this too will pass. Even if that doesn't end up applying to the A, it applies to my funk - I've had too many to count and each time they do indeed go away with time, and even quicker if I'm working at it.

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Now a couple of journaling bits...

The other morning, one of our D2s got into my bedside books. I only knew because as I was walking out the door to head to work, I heard W say "hey! that's daddy's book!" to D2. It wasn't until today that I realized the only book out of place at all in the 5 or 6 books I have over there was SI (Surviving Infidelity), so that must be the one she grabbed, which I had stuck down between my night stand and the bed (not hidden, just not in plain sight). This is the same day W changed her email passwords. Too bad I haven't even read SI, yet - still trying to get through DR.

Had a pretty good night tonight. We went to a special members-only event at the zoo. The girls had fun looking at all the animals and just running around in general. We stopped for ice cream on the way home, even though it was already past the girls' bed time. Then we came home and put our newly adopted hamster in a cage W bought for him today - the girls are in love with him already. I'm now exhausted and sore as heck from the gym yesterday morning, and I should have gone to bed more than 2 hours ago... so, goodnight.

RC