Have been feeling rather depressed lately. Going to try to lay down some stuff that is going on that might be the cause. Bear with me as I vent/journal...
Feeling like my DB'ing is going entirely too slowly - not that the results are coming slowly (of which, there are none to speak of), but that I'm just not getting into the gear of DB'ing quickly enough. I've got this gym thing going, and that's about all I've been able to stick to, unless you count seeing an IC as DB'ing. I haven't been able to successfully set up stuff with friends - partially my fault for just not getting on it, partially due to lack of a large collection of local friends to call upon. I couldn't keep with my getting-out-of-the-house-every-night idea. But, the gym thing is going well. I saw the personal trainer today, and boy are my arms tired (ba dum bum). Definitely looking forward to getting into shape. Who knows, I might even get BUFF... oooooo.
Current thing that is driving me nuts: A good friend of ours is getting married in July. This friend was the "maid" of honor (in quotes, because it's a guy - someone who was there for W when all other friends weren't after her last divorce). I really wanted both of us to go, even before d-day. But, now, there's no way I'm letting her go by herself. I both want it to be time for us, away from the kids and everything here; but, I also want to prevent (read: control :P) her from seeing OM at that time, and possibly taking him around our friends. Here's the problem - the wedding is way across the country, and in a place that the tickets ain't cheap. The whole trip is going to cost about 5 times what I'd prefer. I (perhaps stupidly) already checked to see if my mom could watch the girls that extended weekend and told W that mom had said she could. It was only then that I checked flight prices. I can afford it, but am going to slap it on credit cards, building up that debt I got rid of a couple years ago. Goes back to what someone said "what price do I put on your marriage?" Well, I'm trying to extend the trip at least one more day so (1) we get more time with just us together, and (2) I make it worth my money - hopefully I don't end up sorry. Oh, yeah, and this happens to be in a part of the country that brings back bad vibes for W. Damn, I wish she would just get past all this crap and see the happiness in things - I can't spit and not hit something that brings back bad memories for her - heck, even the spit would probably bring back a bad memory.
Then there's Father's Day. I really do not want one darn thing from W for this Father's Day, except maybe a card. Our girls aren't old enough to pick something for me, so it would come from her. There's only one thing I want from her, and I think you all know what it is. I've told her that all I really want to do for Father's Day is go to the movies with the girls (will be their first), and go to the museum.
Then there's my bday a month later. Again, I want absolutely nothing of material value from her. I'm just waiting for her to ask "what do you want for your bday?", so I can tell her "for you to stop this affair." Probably not going to happen (me saying that, that is) - but, I may be likely to tell her "from you? a card will suffice" (in as up beat of a voice I can manage). Lord knows how she would pay for anything, and I'm certainly not giving her money to buy my presents, like I did this past Christmas. Oh yeah, OM gives her money, maybe she could use that. What's funny is that we'll be at the friend's wedding on my bday, so maybe she'll just forget... like she practically forgot Valentine's Day and our anniversary this year.
Then there's the fact she's going back out on the archaeology dig weekend after next. Half looking forward to it, as I'll get time alone with the girls and my mom - haven't gotten to spend too much quality time with my mom lately. But, half grinding my teeth over the fact W and OM will meet up there (treating it as fact, not suspicion).
Then there's 4th of July. We're all going out of state to spend it with family, but W's going to have to fly back on the 4th by herself due to a final she has to attend on the 5th. I'll have to fly back by myself with our D2s - not dreading that, but very upset W won't be there to see their reaction to the fireworks. I 99% know W couldn't prevent this one, but 1% irrationally feel that she should have.
Sorry to sound so depressed. I'm not all that depressed at this very moment, but I felt the need to journal some of this to get it out. Heck, you should have seen what I wrote and wiped out before this.
