Fell off the wagon big time today. For a reason not worth explaining, I dug into W's email again. Same sort of feelings resurfaced while reading all the usual emails - stupid stupid stupid - just shouldn't read that crap. But, did find two interesting things. Going back in time, I did find out they did indeed meet up when W was out of town - goody goody, suspicion confirmed, big deal. Then, back on 6/2, she sent him a "goodbye, for now" email, talking about how her continued communication with him is hindering any effort she might put forth with me. You'd think this is what every snooper out there is looking for. Their communication in that thread didn't really resolve to them deciding to continue communication. But, guess what, they did continue communicating, almost as if that conversation didn't happen. Just a few days later said she thinks she hit a "tipping point", tipping over to the side of OM. Well, that easily negated that "goodbye, for now" conversation. Then, she goes and meets up with him (in her email, she said she'd have to tell me she was doing it and why... hrm, that never happened). I think overall I do indeed feel worse, but not a heck of a lot worse - just leaves me in the same place I was before I snooped again. But, right after reading all of that - even the "goodbye, for now" email - I looked up the phone number of a recommended divorce attorney that I'd been hesitating to call. I didn't call her, mostly because it was late in the day already. On the drive home, I instead picked up the phone and called the MC I'd been procrastinating in calling and left a message to call me. I figured I would hit both angles, anyway, so why not contact the MC first. (Also, since she was that close to even a temporary break off, maybe it's a good sign. The again, maybe "I'm filing for divorce" is the kick in the a$$ she needs... not yet... not yet.)
W is at yoga tonight, and will be home around 9pm. Before I read her email, I'd already decided I need to start my getting-out-of-the-house plans. So, when she gets home tonight, I'm going to say "The girls are in bed. I'm going out. I'll have my cell." If she asks "where you going?", my answer will truthfully be "I don't know, just out." and I plan for that to be the answer any time she asks. If she wants to ask where I was, when I get back, I'll happily answer exactly where I was - but, she's damn sure going to have to ask. Tonight, I plan on taking DR and going somewhere quiet to read - and I'm not going to decide where until I set food outside the door.
Some other snooping bits I gotta dump. I know he's sent her money. I know I've been a little penny pinching, but she acts as if I've never spent a dime on her. I've spent ungodly amounts of money on her at various points. What he is doing is nothing new. But, some of their conversation it sounds like he's freaking buying her. It's sick (among a great number of other things). Also, I happened upon a "toy" he'd given her - you know, the vibrating sort. Now, we've had some of these things ourselves, so it's nothing new, but... ugh... from him. Now she has a bag full of various things. My desire to control has me wanting to sabotage them all somehow - but, my previous sabotage efforts have been in vain, so why bother.
One other note, and I promise I'm done. To say physical contact has been at a minimum with us is an understatement. We don't even brush when passing in the hallway. I think I mentioned that I'd planned on spooning her just before her trip, to try to reintroduce some physical contact, but that didn't happen. Well, early this morning I went to spoon her, and she did something she hasn't done for years - she flinched. She used to flinch any time I touched her in bed while she was asleep - I think because of bad crap in her past just having her psychologically messed up a bit. She's asleep, but not really aware (or at least I think so). She flinched just like that again this morning. It makes me worry quite a lot about what this affair is doing to her overall psyche. They're dredging up so much bad crap from their respective pasts and wrapping themselves around it - in my opinion, you should get past that stuff and make a new life of happiness for yourself. We had that going, and now he's taking her back to some previous warped state. Of course, it could be she was partially awake and didn't want me to touch her - today's snooping found a note where she said I kissed her on her back, and she didn't want it. Oh well, going to act "as if" on this one, and act as if she actually does want physical contact, even if limited to light touches and the occasional spoon.
RC
P.S. I'm sorry I'm not inputting too much into other threads. It's all I can do to find time to read DR and journal my sitch. I promise once I somehow find time, I will offer what I can back to everyone. I also urge any lurkers out there to just start posting your sitch. If you can't contribute to others, at least vent/dump/journal here, and maybe someone can offer help or at least a good word.
