I think, to adress your "as if" question, that sometimes we ARE talking about denial of sorts. It's another one of those fine lines we learn to walk in all this.
To me, acting "as if", and I swear DB DOES talk about this, is yes, acting as if the affair doesn't affect me. To me, it was a vehicle to help me learn to detach. I "acted as if" the affair didn't affect me until I was able to detach enough to where it really didn't affect me on a daily, or really, minute-by-minute basis.
Yes, people DO use "as if" to remain in denial but really it's a tool, that if used ACTIVLY, by choice, cannot really BE denial. Denial is not wanting to accept something as reality. With "as if" you are fully accepting the reality of the affair and then denying your reaction to it. There IS a difference, and it lies in the acceptance part.
I used to worry about being in denial ALL the time but then I realized that simply by questioning my feelings about the affair, worrying that I was in denial, meant that I was not. When you are truly in denial, you don't question it because to question it is to, well, stop denying it.
