I mentioned we went to Benihana's on Sunday evening. W had three drinks, I had three drinks, and mom had three drinks. At the end of dinner, W hands me a $20 bill as payment for her drinks. She's done this a number of times in the past, and I know exactly why. I used to grouse quite a lot about how many drinks she ordered, for two reasons - (1) because the cost adds up quick, and we didn't have *that* much money, and (2) I grew up around a lot of alcoholics and was somewhat against drinking to the point of inebriation. Well, I haven't worried about the cost in quite a long time, and have groused less and less about it over the last 2 years, to the point that I no longer complain - I really have no concern over whether she orders $5 worth or $50, because I figured out it's not worth it when we do it so seldomly and I actually have more money, now. As far as the inebriation goes, my experience with drinkers has changed since knowing W and her family. They all drink quite a lot, but they are quite responsible and likable when drunk... unlike the alcoholics I grew up around. So, she gave me this $20, I tried to give it back (because I really don't want it), she wouldn't take it, and my mom asked "why are you giving him money??" W didn't really answer, but later when they were outside alone, my mom asked again, and W said it was because I had complained way back when and never "recanted". (This is definitely a communication/relationship issue with us - I'll say something ONCE, and she'll forever think that is my opinion on the matter, as if I can't change my mind; and, no actions I take to *show* that's the case ever work - I have to SAY it... EXPLICITLY... AGAIN AND AGAIN.)
Anyway, my mom told me today about their conversation outside the restaurant. It's been driving me nuts, because now I want to say "<W>, I recant, okay? jeez". But, I don't want to approach it like that. I want to approach it from an "assertive" standpoint, which I admitedly don't quite understand 100%, yet. I'm trying to make sure I don't approach this from a passive-aggressive standpoint. When my C and I talked about assertive vs passive-aggressive, the big difference I could pinpoint was that in assertive, you put yourself in the other person's shoes, state this up front, and *then* come in with what you were going to say. So, I've put together an email that lays down how she probably feels guilty, because I made her feel that way ("and I apologize"), but I no longer have concern over how much she drinks or how costly it is, and I'd like her to stop giving me money and just have fun.
Advice needed is... do I bother sending this? Is it R talk? Is it pursuing? I hope to get a handle on what is and isn't DB, but I still feel so new to this and doubt myself left and right.
