Okay, I regressed slightly tonight. I was already in a funk, due to the upcoming weekend - I don't know why the upcoming weekend itself had me in a funk, except that this Sunday will be the first time we've had a chance in over a month to go back to church. I've never been a big church goer, but I'm all for it, particularly in laying the ground for our girls... except for how our church going started. I came home from a business trip in January and W all of a sudden wanted to go back to church. Seems she had this opening up discussion with OM about something extremely personal from her past. This particular thing was something we had talked about, but not something I could really help her work through - seems OM did, apparently because (as I found out during our d-day discussion) he had something similar in his past. Anyway, it lead her to asking God's forgiveness, and then lead to this gung-ho church going kick. Of course, since I knew enough of the story about her talking something through with OM, and that it was this that lead to her desire to return to the church, I rebelled against the church idea. Then, as things proceeded, she was wrapping herself around a particular faith from her upbringing that also happened to be in OM's upbringing. Through my various snooping, I've read so terribly much about how they steep themselves in religion - tossing blessings at each other here and there - the hypocrisy is rather sickening. What's worse, they went to this church together when he was in town one time - they just *happened* to end up there as a coincidence. This all has put a taint on that church, for me - not to mention the particular faith and church are a bit more strict and traditional for my tastes. Before d-day, I was actually coming to accept and appreciate the strictness and traditional aspects of the church... then d-day. We haven't been back since then, simply because of various travel schedules and whatnot. Not sure how I'm going to detach from this one, but have to try. (Still can't really figure out what detaching is, or when it's right to do so.)
Anyway, the regression... I snooped. The bulk of my snooping has been reading email (2 different accounts). I've also looked at our home caller ID, her cell bills, her "new" cellphone call history, every possible place in the house (didn't find anything - was a slight relief), her bags (ie. purse, backpack), and.... a web cam. We have had a web cam in our livingroom for a long time, originally set up for long distance grandparents to see the babies. She's been sitting in the livingroom, working on her laptop, and talking to OM via an internet voice chat program. The webcam picks up audio, too, although poorly. I fell off the wagon, cranking up the webcam just before leaving the office and simply saw her with her headset on, talking to OM. I didn't hear or see anything particularly bad (and, oh boy, have I seen something before... for those of you who've literally walked in on your SO and OP, I feel for you), but just that little bit - that she was talking to him - pushed me over the edge into a good solid depression. It was all I could do to not randomly snap at W tonight. Should I not have snooped, I think I would have been about level and picked up after seeing our girls - right now, I'm not so depressed, but still upset at myself for slipping. Heading out right now to go swim, maybe relieve some of this yuck.
Once again, snooping is the devil!!!! Just say no!
