My sitch - RC

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Calm, Well I found your current thread! Seems like you are doing really good work. You had a few questions:

So, I have a couple of related questions. Is it okay to use terms of endearment? We have our names for each other (eg. "sweetie", "baby", etc.). During our R, we've rarely called each other by name - we've used our little names instead. Other question is, is it okay to initiate snuggling or spooning?

Personally, I have found the terms of endearment a happy thing. My H spent one or two weeks calling me by my first name, which he didn't use much in the past unless he was angry, and I was DBing my butt off, and the endearments came back. I do not think it is wise to do anything that will push her further away, so if you are comfortable with endearments and spooning, then do that! It's nice and makes you feel close, right? Anything that she is open to that affirms your connection should be continued IMHO. But do be careful about pursuing. Let her initiate sometimes, and then respond kindly and warmly (but don't be OVERLY enthusiastic) Just be open, loving, warm. Be the one she always wanted. Make her wonder what she was ever thinking to consider leaving you. Don't expect anything, but enjoy it when it comes. Detach, with love.

It sounds like you do not ML at this point. Sometimes WAS are even open to this, and if they are, it can make a special connection, rekindle and remind you of the good parts of your M. My H is not at all open to that right now. But he does seek reassurance from me, which I do my best to provide. He has increasingly allowed me more access to his body, and has periodically been more open to touching and caressing me. It comes and goes. He is confused. Your W may be too. That is OK. You are DBing to confuse, in a sense as a while ago she had decided that she didn't want you so much any more, and you want her to rethink that whole notion. So allow closeness but don't push it - those are the keys.

Sometimes I can tell my H is feeling guilty and is struggling. At thos times I am just kind and sometimes I can touch his hair or face in a loving gesture. Sometimes my H is angry and aloof. On those days I do my best to be cheery and not make it mean anything, and sometimes low and behold, he warms up. And if he doesn't? Oh well, at least I was fun.

You are doing great, Calm.

BTW, I would enlist your C's support in DBing and get her the book. My C is totally behind what I am trying to do, and she knew nothing about it before. But I can sure tell she did quick research to support me. She gets it, and even calls me on my non-DB strategies when I get hooked. So keep an open mind, but also trust this process and your instincts, even if it means at some point you will need a different C to move forward.

Good luck, hang in there, and keep posting - we are with you.