Quote: Our primary focus in this session ended up being that I should spill the beans on what I know, how I know, and how it is affecting me.
First, let me say that Michelle in both DB and DR talks about her views on counseling and how it sometimes hurts as much as helps. That said, I know my C has suggested certain things that were not "DB" and I either followed her advice or I didn't. Actually, if she says something that conflicts with DB, or my personal interpretation of it, I just ask her to clarify, telling her why I don't accept what she is saying or don't agree with it. Usually the exchange that ensues will result in either my C sticking by what she said but leaving it up to me to follow through with it, or more often than not, my C understanding my point of view, why it fits in with how I am doing things, and her backing me on my decisions.
I don't know if my relationship with my C is normal, in that I question some of what she says, but that's the way I feel I get the most out of it. I can't just take what she says as gospel any more than I do DB (even thought it seems like I do most of the time). Now, over time, this C has won my trust and I am now more open to her suggestions that go "off the board" because I am sure she accepts my "DB" plan and is willing to work within it's framework.
Now, back to your sitch, do you feel like your C understands your focus on self and not initiating R talks? Does she know you don't have R talks and why? If you think she does know, support and understand these things, then maybe you listen to her on this.
The point is that each "expert" will have his or her own take on this stuff, and counselors, in my mind are experts (at least THEY think they are). Your C knows your sitch and is telling you what she thinks is best for YOU, but maybe not what's best for your marriage. I know that sounds like it's right up the DB alley, i.e. focus on you and not the marriage, but it's not really because DB is focus on self that should eventually lead to reconciliation, this "spilling the beans" is all about YOU feeling better, admittedly not worrying at all about what it does to your W or your chances of reconciliation.
As for you keeping this in and then reacting in a passive/aggressive way, well, all I can tell you is that I was, and may still be, one of the most passive/aggressive people alive. I act like a little child sometimes, it's really sick. I pout, act out, basically do ANYTHING but be direct and honest. I have worked VERY hard to put this behind me and it will be a constant fight for me, much like an addict has to fight for the rest of their life to resist the source of their addiction.
Like you, I wanted my C sessions to focus on this aspect of my issue and we have. She has helped me in a way that really parallels DB (even though she'd never heard of it when I started with her) learn to center myself and realize that I have NO control over my W, passive, aggressive or otherwise. She made me see how destructive this kind of behavior was and I was just able to see that and stop that. Sure, I slip up all the time, but for me, the issue is not keeping things bottled up, but understanding that when they come "uncorked" I want it to be in a controlled, direct way. That is my entire focus in terms of communication with my W these days. Some days I succeed, others I don't.
I can assure you, I have a LOT of stuff that is off the table still, but in my sitch, I had patience with this stuff, kept it to myself, and one night, a R talk started when it was "time" to let her in on some of what I knew and when I did, it was in a way that was CONSTRUCTIVE to my sitch, not destructive.
I think the main thing to remember here, and in DB, is that there is a LOT of stuff we choose to endure for the sake of our marriage, and in the name of self-growth. Keeping "snooped" stuff to yourself is just another one of those things.
In the end, your C, if she's good, should be able to counsel you on what the best course of action is for saving your marriage. Try to see if that's what she's trying to do.
