Sitch Summary * Married since Apr 2002 (4 yr as of this writing) - together since Dec 1999 - living together since approx June 2000 * 2 kids - twin 2 yr old girls * W in PA that started out as OEA then OA * Approx start of OA: 8/1/2006 (EA before that for practically as long as they knew each other) * Approx start of PA: Feb 2006, with low frequency/opportunity for physical contact since then * D-day: 5/1/2006, with confrontation that evening (STRONG suspicion just before this, when I walked in on her in a strange situation; slight suspicion since Nov 2005)
Confrontation discussion (4 hours summarized) Me: We have something serious to discuss, and I will find it hard to say what I need to, so please let me talk until I've posed a question. .... No matter what's happened, I want our marriage to work. ... I know you're having an A with <OM>. ... Are you willing to work on our marriage? Her: ... Can I ask one question? ... How do you know? Me: I feel that is immaterial right now. [She hasn't asked since and has changed no communication patterns with OM.] ... Me: Do you want to work on this marriage? Her: I'm not sure ... Her: What do you want? Me: I want (1) to see a marriage counselor,... Her: Okay Me: ... and (2) you to stop talking to <OM> immediately. Her: ...... I can't do that (Note, the rest of the 4 hours was talking about pre-R pasts and stuff - mostly me listening. Otherwise "opening up" type conversation, and a lot of stuff we'd talked about in the past, but mostly felt like avoiding the subject at hand.)
Other statements of interest: Her: Our girls will live in this house, with you as father, and me as mother - <OM> knows this. Her: No matter what, I want you to see a therapist about reducing your stress level. [I agreed and already have - see below.]
Misc / On-going * W has completely walled herself off from me emotionally. She displays a constant facade of happiness to contentment, but no sad, anger, etc. She's VERY good at this - is only truly open to one person at a time, and right now that person is OM. * OM is married, but working toward a divorce (their relationship had supposedly been going downhill when he and my W met) * A is still going strong, so far as I can tell. * We've had one subsequent discussion about the A, when she got drunk at a family gathering (we snuck off to talk afterward). She gave me some rather false hope ("We'll get through this") and told one rather big lie (the first complete lie I've caught her in - usually it's been a warping or omission of truths). * W has been very open about her relationship with OM, except about the A, of course. * We haven't been meeting each others' EN for quite some time, but we had a nice night w/o the kids *just* before their OA started and talked about how the kids had strenghthened our relationship. :P * W has evidenced no remorse or regret for the A. * We haven't set up MC, and I'm now reluctant to after hearing the lack of usefulness, and potential harm, in this sort of sitch.
Current Personal Goals (GAL / DB'ing?) Have done: * Started reading DR (picked up SI) * Started seeing an IC - three visits, so far. I think it should work out well, as I now have some goals about improving myself for my sake; although, not sure if I'll keep this IC as she doesn't take my insurance. :P * W was out of town recently for 9 days, during which I planned things with family and friends, rather than sit at home alone. * Planned more with friends for the coming weeks. (Normally, we don't do anything on weeknights.) * Cleaned the house more than it's been clean in a long time. It's been a semi-pit, which has been bugging me - having it clean picks up my spirits a good deal. (Even got a "thank you" twice from W about it when she got back.) * Going swimming every night possible (we own a pool).
Plan to do: * Go to the gym on a regular basis (once a week, for now). Plan on signing up this week and starting week after next. * Meet up with old friends that have been getting together every week (W and I will trade off weeks, as they're our shared friends - trade off b/c someone has to stay home with the kids. Maybe get a babysitter every once in a while.) * Work on models or some other hobby like that which I enjoyed in younger days. * Take guitar lessons - something I've wanted to do for a long time. * Poker nights with a few guy friends on a regular basis. * Clean out the garage and start woodworking.
