I got a little overwhelmed a few weeks back, between what’s been going on in my situation and trying to keep up with the KLA program, so I took a little “cave” time.
It's LRT time, I have been thinking hard about it.
For the last 3 weeks, I have been avoiding OR talks. We’ve got a new pattern- a week of dark/dim, then he calls and wants to talk. I use the time away to regroup but by the time he calls, I don’t want to talk - I’m afraid of what he’s going to say. So we get together and do something other than talk (sex, play air hockey, go for a drive).
I have an ominous feeling he wants to talk so he can say he has taken the time to think and he wants a D. I think he is also planning to move away to be with OW (where we were last Sept). I don’t know these things for sure. We have been enjoying the ittle time together. Really getting the hang of that, ironically. He has been taking down some barriers (like me being around his family or his Daughter) but I am worried he's doing that for "closure".
I think there are a couple of options for LRT- I would like to get others’ feedback, please. Part of me wants to be selfish right now and tell him I don’t want him to disrupt my life (No OR talks) for a while. No contact, even, if necessary to avoid the talks. I need a break from the constant fear to think clearly. (sometimes that is possible) I hate to admnit it, but my work was really suffering a little while back. I also don’t want to feel like everything has to be on his timeline. I have to admit that I am afraid, (terrified) and I know this may simply be “stalling” which is not productive, either. He seems to be relieved sometimes when we do something other than talk, too, but I think it may reach a critical point soon. I know putting off OR talks about D is dangerous (I’m not even sure that’s what it’ll be). There are a lot of details to work out. I told him before I would not stop him from getting D, but he’d have to do it. A paranoid part of me thinks he’s already been doing that.)
Another option I see is to go the opposite route - try to be as cooperative as I can be - hear out what he wants to say and help him do what he wants to do. I still want closeness with him. If he IS planning to move, then I don’t want to miss out on a chance to be close before he goes. (Painful as it is) I am afraid to jeopardize that precious time, too. I do want him to be happy. I think he is making a mistake to leave his daughter and his life- but only he can decide what to do, and I won't assume to know what is best for him anymore. I panic when I think I may not have any contact with him at all if he goes (doubtful OW will allow it). I don't want those feelings to cloud my seeing possible solutions.
JJ ? Kent? Anyone? I am trying to keep in mind that I will be ok no matter what. Sometimes it even works. But then I remember that pressure of time running out. I am more afraid of his moving away than of D now, (only marginally)- when I break down those fears, it is not about money or material things, that stuff is not really important to me. My "people" are, and he is one of the most important ones there have ever been. I need to have a cool head.
Do you see other options?
I also thought of simply telling him this. That I feel cornered and despite the fact that he’s been kind to me lately and we both want things to be good between us, I need to take the pressure off somehow. I will try to get there for both our sakes. I think he would be understanding to a point, as I have just not put boundaries like that before. Yeesh. Have I just made a mess of DBing too?
![[Mad]](images/icons/mad.gif){kind=icon}
I don't want those feelings to cloud my seeing possible solutions. 
