Update to my GF telling me that she had no desire for sex.
We were supposed to talk more the next day but she wouldn't open up and gave me very little to work with. I made some suggestions but with out her feed back it seemed pointless.
I carried alot fo resentment with me for the last two days and this whole thing felt like a pink elephant in the room that no one wanted to talk about.
We ended up drinking a bunch of wine and getting cuddly etc...last night and right as I was initiating sex she said like she wasn't ready...or wasn't into it or somthing along those lines and I got really angery. I ended up really letting her have it and got a lot of stuff off of my chest.
I let her know every thing that was on my mind to the very last detail. She gave me some feedback and we were fighting/discussing late into the night. After more talking today we are implamenting a new system in hopes of fixing our sex life.
Overall she says she likes sex during the act, but she never has desire to start sex, and initiating is our biggest hurdle. So in hopes of fixing this we started a calender for the month of June and scheduled days to have sex and assigned days to each other to initiate.
I actually think this is going to help alot for several reasons. Our rules are that on her days she has all day to initiate sex and she can do it any way she wants when ever she wants. I feel like this system will help clear any problems with initiating and also give her ample time to mentally prepare for the situation. We posted the calender on our wall so we both can see it and we will be able to shedule time as needed.
Another reason this will help us is that on off days niether of us have to worry about sex so there is not anxiety over what the other person is thinking, I can be nice and romantic to her with out her thinking it is only for sex. She can relax and not worry about if I am mad, want sex, etc...
Overall I feel like this system will clear away alot of emotional hurdles. I feel that after it is implemneted we can work on her desire issues and passion issues with out all of the problems like initiating, and anxiety over what each other are thinking etc...
Good luck with that. For some people scheduled sex/intiation has really helped. For others it has been a hurdle because on the other person's day there is always an excuse "I know it is my day but I'm sick, tired, busy etc..." Did you discuss how to deal with those times?
Hey sam...you might want to read what I posted to maybetime here.
Harsh, but worth considering. If life is already going to be hard (because, well, that's just the nature of life), why commit to a relationship where it is almost guaranteed to present an uphill battle to you in fulfilling one of your needs?
Oh sammy... I would run from this situation now. The chances of it improving are very slim. Many of the people on this board had loving, active sex lives in the beginning of their R's and stuff like kids, jobs, life, caused sex to get kicked to the back burner. You're starting out in a bad place, IF you expect/want sex to play an important part in your R.
Depending on how the scheduling thing works out, please consider moving on. My gut feeling is that this will only get worse, not better, and that it will always be a problem... sometimes more of a problem, sometimes less, but always a problem.
Obviously everyone is different, but my W told me she too enjoyed sex and had trouble initiating. Later I found out that many things she said may not totally accurate. Take it from someone that has dealt with this on an ongoing basis, be VERY careful and read the signs of her actual behavior - NOT her words. Your situation sounds all too familiar.
I realize you are seeking solutions and thus anything that sounds like it may work, has a positive glow to it. I am not a fan of scheduling sex...this can put even more pressure on the situation and if she is not into it, resentment will follow. I was not even into it during scheduled sex and I had a sex drive. Your mind will play games with you in that you think because it's scheduled, she is not into it...even if she is. Slippery slope.
be VERY careful and read the signs of her actual behavior - NOT her words. Your situation sounds all too familiar.
I realize you are seeking solutions and thus anything that sounds like it may work, has a positive glow to it. I am not a fan of scheduling sex...this can put even more pressure on the situation I don't like the idea of scheduled sex either. But it gets complicated, because at least that is ACTION (if they agree to do it). Still, doing something they really don't want to do is not a real turn-on. I'm struggling with that right now for sure. My H SAYS he has passion for me but does not show it in any way that I consider passionate. So DO actions speak louder than words? I always thought so. When I cannot SEE it, it doesn't ring true. But maybe people are just different. I don't know. Good luck Sammy. It's not an easy situation to be in at all.
Wow I see there is not alot of positve things to say about scheduled sex. I did read a few posts by an LD women on here who said it really helped.
we are both actually really excited about this idea for several reasosn and this might really help us.
First off she suffers from alot of anxiety about sex, iniating sex and wondering if I want sex. That anxiety becomes a big turn off for her. This new system will totaly eliminate that anxiety. On our off days she doesn't have to worry about initiating or if I am trying to initiate. So we can both relax. On our 'on' days she and I can both mentaly prepare literly a month ahead fo time for the sex so there isn't any stress and every thing is more relaxed.
We have been talking about this new system and we already feel alot better. We are celebrating a relaxed 'off' day right now with no worries. I am very optimistic that this will reduce anxiety for her and be a right step in her being able to get turned on.
One last thing this will do to help is at the end of the month we will be forced to sit down and shedule again for the next month, and this wil be agreat time to have a scheduled talk to fix and improve the system as needed.
overall I am so optimistic because one of our biggest hurdles is her anxiety issues that seem to be one of the biggest killers of her libido. We both are excited that this is really going to help her relax and in tunr be able to put energy into enjoying sex.
When we were developing this I honestly saw her get excited and enthusiastic about sex...it seemed like she couldn't wait for her scheduled day.
I'll keep an update but I think this is going to work.
Quote: Wow I see there is not alot of positve things to say about scheduled sex. I did read a few posts by an LD women on here who said it really helped.
we are both actually really excited about this idea for several reasosn and this might really help us.
Scheduled sex will be what the two of you make of it.
I still don't get the reluctance.
Because what is dating if not a form of scheduled sex?
You make arrangements to get together on a specific day/time. You arrange your schedule around it, you get all spiffed up for it, you plan it, look forward to it, you have some form of entertainment - whether dinner or a movie and then you share some sort of sexual time.
Making time for each other when you were dating was important, it's even more important afterward you're married, IMO
For what it is worth, I will give you an x-LD perspective, from a woman's point of view. Keep in mind thast I am now divorced... so...
Anyways.
I don't see anything 'wrong,' per se, with scheduled sex, IF you approach it the way Mrs. Nop is suggesting. Meaning... the whole kit and kabootle is thrown in.... a date nite, if you will. Meaning... you are going to schedule the next 4 to 5 hours with each other... and talk about things that DO NOT relate to your day to day life.... work, kids, schudles, etc. You actually talk like NORMAL people, about your respective interests, arts, philosophy, things in general. You have dinner. You go to a movie... maybe go to a club and prentend you are meeting each other for the first time.
Do not expect this whole scheduling thing to work if you are showing up in the bedroom at 9 p.m. and at 9:15 p.m. you plan on being hot and heavy into foreplay, with candles lit and great music playing. IT WILL NOT WORK!!!!!!!!! As a matter of fact, it could actually work in the opposite fashion and put even MORE pressure on her to perform.
What you want to concentrate on is building the emotional connection with her BEFORE the encounter begins, and you do that in a very innocous way. Subtle. Spend time, when you do get into bed, cuddling, kissing, hugging, rubbing (non-errogensous zones)... let her build her fire slowly.... make to point to necessarily culminating with SEX per se... but just connecting with her in a physical way... the more she feels pressured to make you 'cum' and the more pressured she feels to orgasm to make YOU feel good about YOU... the less likely she is to become 'turned on.'
