Quote: The best piece of advice I ever gave anyone about marital trouble was after I learned it the hard way. I asked a friend what his wife was looking forward to. It was rhetorical, because if the answer was "nothing", he had a problem. If it was "I don't know", he had a problem. It sounds demeaning if you look at it from only one direction, but if you think of a marriage as an opportunity for BOTH people to make sure the other has something to look forward to, things could work pretty damn good, don't you think? And bluntly, few men need that as much as women, and as a result they don't even think about doing it - they think (naturally, don't you think?) that if they work their butts off doing for YOU what makes them happy, you'll appreciate it and be happy. In fact, you'll be bored to death, emotionally starved, snippy and unpleasant, waiting for something to happen that ain't gonna happen.
I agree 100% with this. In fact, I discovered it before my W even said anything...she still hasn't but I know it to be true. I discovered it because I bought her concert tickets (first time in YEARS) and the months leading up to that concert were, well, more exciting. Sure, it was not really that big a deal but it WAS something to think about other than the daily grind and that made a HUGE difference, at least with me, and I would imagine with my W.
The trick is to keep it going, to ALWAYS have something on the horizon. I think that's why my W is alway so much happier around the holidays; because she has so much to look forward to and doesn't have to live in the murk in her head.
I'll bet you have more in common than you think you do. My W always says the same thing "just the kids" yet when I put my mind to it I can come up with more things in common than fingers to count them on. Even small stuff is good stuff, I'll bet you even watch TV once in a while See what you can come up with: walks, eating out, church, scrabble, watching the news, the color red, shopping for shoes (oops, what am I saying!) but you get the idea. Sometimes an A creates a mindset where a great deal of time has been spent wiping the memory clean of any commonalities etc in order to legitimize the A. It might take work to bring that stuff back. Think about why you married him. There must have been oodles of good reasons then, are any of those still relevant today? I'll bet there are still a few. Is he the prize he was then, most likely not but, if you choose to stay, you start with what you got!
Quote: A creates a mindset where a great deal of time has been spent wiping the memory clean of any commonalities etc in order to legitimize the A. It might take work to bring that stuff back
I want to ask my H if he still believes we mostly fought during our 8yrs together , which was what he believed when he left last Sept., I wonder how much of our good memories are left, would it be wise to ask?
Seeing each other 2 days out of the week doesnt leave much time to do stuff together. That's something to think about though, to do stuff together we used to do.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
See what you can come up with: walks, eating out, church, scrabble, watching the news, the color red, shopping for shoes (oops, what am I saying!) but you get the idea. Sometimes an A creates a mindset where a great deal of time has been spent wiping the memory clean of any commonalities etc in order to legitimize the A. It might take work to bring that stuff back. Think about why you married him. There must have been oodles of good reasons then, are any of those still relevant today? I'll bet there are still a few. Is he the prize he was then, most likely not but, if you choose to stay, you start with what you got!