Another update, since it's been two months. Not much has changed with MY state of mind, but my wife has really started to think logically, and started to recognize some of the things that did and didn't happen in our marriage. Along with that, she's begun to see her own role in its decline, and stop blaming me for things beyond my control.
My son starts kindergarten tomorrow, and it's a huge event in my life because he's not getting on the bus at his own house! Despite that, he and I are closer than ever, and nothing can diminish that wonderful feeling.
My wife is living with OM, but in a weird way - she STILL has not moved her stuff out of the house, and our Separation Agreement will be filed within a week or two. She calls me often, often for very non-urgent reasons, and yesterday she spent over six hours with me and our son. I feel terrible about her confusion and pain, but I'm not doing anything to help or hurt - just let her figure it out. Our marriage is basically over, yet she depends on me for many things in the "expert help" department. Perhaps that's all there is to her not wanting to let it go, but more and more she acts as if she understands how wrong some of her assumptions were - not consistently, but very often. She asked me a week ago to delay filing the Separation, and I told her there was no reason to delay - a year's separation is required to grant a divorce, and it could be ended at any time anyway. It's not really that simple, but close enough.
If you're reading this and you are new to the forum, you'd probably give your left arm to hear your spouse ask for a delay on the split, but IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE! Her confusion and uncertainty is better controlled by me than accomodated, to be sure. The WAW's in particular seem to need a strong presence, but not a controlling one. One thing for sure: My wife knows I don't "need" her, and that's critical. After too many years of walking on eggshells with her, I'm relieved that I don't have to anymore, despite my horror at this whole situation, and undiminished desire to have never had it happen. Mixed feelings, but not so bad in some ways.
There's no point in me repeating any advice here, because it's been said a million times that you need to GAL, etc., but I can tell you this: If your spouse was everything they expected YOU to be, you wouldn't be reading this right now! So give yourself a break and understand that you can only control your future, never your past, and enjoy every moment of your life, as impossible as that may seem. Think very, very hard about what you future will be like if you and your spouse reconcile after all that's happened, and ask yourself:
"Is that how I want to live?"
Or better yet:
"Is that dream realistic, given what I know now about my wife/husband?"
And finally....no matter what the answer to the above question is, live your life the same - free of regret, bitterness, attempts at controlling your spouse, and anything that doesn't make you proud [not happy, proud] to have done. It's not easy, but it's mandatory.
