Just thought I'd check-in and see how folks were doing, and give you a little update. Not much has changed since 6/13, my last post. My wife is still basically living away from the house with OM, my son with me except one night a week. He's really resistant to being with her overnight, despite OM's son being his best friend. The separation has JUST started, and with a mediator rather than attorneys - hopefully a good thing, who knows. My wife still hasn't taken much from the house except a few of her personal posessions - even the bulk of her clothes are here. Any time I try to talk to her about anything the least bit complicated, she still gets angry, but its a defensive kind of anger - like a first-strike against me, before I get one in first. Very odd, because I'm unfailingly smiling and pleasant, but not in a bad way, if you know what I mean. My relationship with my son has never been better, no doubt because the stress she caused by her unhappy presence is gone. That's short-term, though, because she'll have him M-F when school starts in September - I'd love to get custody, but she'd never agree to it and the courts would never award it, since it would have him in daycare. I don't know yet that it's the best thing for him, either.
I've learned a lot about life, and my wife, through this whole situation. The GAL advice is awesome, too. It's very apparent to me that part of what ruined my marriage was my willingness to sacrifice everything I desired for some vague notion of keeping my marriage together, or my wife happy. She kept adding to her demands, and simultaneously heaping on criticism, to "test" my resolve. I didn't break -just withdrew from fatigue and depression - but she ultimately did, no doubt convinced I'd be relieved. If you've read my past stuff, you know I was anything but relieved!! I still hate what's happened, but the things I can't control I can at least deal with. The silver lining for me is the dam bursting on depression, and the resulting discovery that I not only love my son, but I love being with him, just for its own sake. I think the stress of motherhood might have been what really overwhelmed my wife, but at this point trading my wife for my son looks like a good deal to me. Sounds terrible, because it is, and having both should be possible. then again, a relationship with your spouse based solely on sacrifice isn't worth having in the long run. SOMETHING had to change.
Everything I've learned about life, marriage, and my wife would, ironically, make me a great husband if I could do it over again, but I guess that's life. My one vow is to be different than every other man I've ever met in one respect: when I see a friend in trouble with his wife, I'm going to help him. Really help - not just give him BS advice and forget about it. And I'm going to MAKE him listen, like I wish someone would have done for me. Sounds aggressive, but somebody's GOT to change how men support each other. We owe it to the women, if nothing else.
Good luck to all on this board, and reach around and pat yourself on the back for trying harder than 99% of the people on earth to make your marriage work, and become a better person. There's a lot of crappy advice here at times, but there's a lot of solid support, too, and that can be far more important at times!
