Thanks for the encouragement and caring JJ, I have been a little BB-shy lately.
H has had now 3 sessions in 2 weeks with C, and I believe she is really helping him reach deep. I can tell it's sinking in by the kinds of things he says and some little things he does. Unfortunately, I have to accept that this is going to take a while longer. Ah, patience and then some more patience. I have resigned myself to the fact that I have to let go of expectations and my own hopes for Christmas with him (did I ever allow myself to even have any??). He has to end this thing with OW in a way he can live with, and he says they have decided that Christmas will be "it" because they don't want to do it over the phone (she arrives this coming Sat). But how that will happen is not defined yet (is actually really stressing H out) and I am preparing for it leaving me out in the cold (where H is concerned). That hurts a lot. I really just want some hope and respect here, too. It feels almost cruel.
But I have to "suck it up", I guess. I have told him that I wish he wouldn't ask me to stand on the sidelines like this (actually I let him know how much I don't appreciate it, for better or worse), and we're trying to talk it through a bit. I don't think he can see past himself to what this does to me, too. He tries to show compassion, but the phrase is often "I'm sorry this is hard for you, but it is for me too.." followed by the angst. Has he forgotten that he said he wanted ME?
Anyway, I am trying to plan some things for myself to keep busy next week. Some things that will give me meaning despite all the crap.
For myself, I have been trying to deal with the infidelity stuff. You may not agree with this, but I have seen a binder of emails between OW and H. I know snooping is against DB principles and can be so harmful. The difference here, is that I didn't use it for any purpose but working through my issues. What I read did upset me, but it has given me some perspective. I do NOT want to use what I saw to confront H. I still know it is wrong to invade privacy like that. Given the hand I have been given, this is my idea of a solution to dealing with my demons.
I'm actually trying to do that becasue I don't think he has any idea how much he has hurt me. If we are going to try to be togethr, I want to clear as much negativity out as I can.
I still fantasize about running into ow next week (a definate possibility) but I don't have a clue what I would say or do if it happens. I have already decided that if it happens, I would NOT tell her the things she doesn't know.
Don't worry, I'm not obsessing... much. Actually this really is helping me.
Anyway, I've rambled long enough. Let me know your thoughts on how crazy you think I am
