What GH says makes me realize why it is so much easier to take the stand that there is no point in talking to our WAS. Because if they "can not get it, so why bother?" it is easier to deal with than having to accept that our POV is "wrong" to them. I know I am 100% guilty of being hopeful that my H will have an epiphany, an awakening, and suddenly see it all my way. Then we could live happily ever after, right? Oh my God, how arrogant is that... Sorry deezee, I want it that way so badly, but probably I need to eat more humble pie first. Where did I go when we were in an argument? I can be an overly educated, superior, self-righteous, know-it-all, and still seem like I'm being "helpful". Painful.
What I am aware of, is that my DBing needs to include deep self-evaluation of my part in the sitch, what I did and didn't do that added to my H's stress and dissatisfaction. And hopefully some day, H will have his own realizations about some things he did that contributed to the shake up of our M and pain that he caused me. And then, maybe, we will decide that we both have enough humility and enough energy and commitment, that we can work on our M together. In my sitch that is a long way off however, but I remain hopeful.
What I can say to you deezee, is be careful ! I know in my sitch, if I tried to tell my H what I see (what I think) about what he is doing (the A, the OW, poor choices, bad impacts on loved ones, etc) I would drive him away faster than I could complete the sentence. My H has no tolerance and so much disdain for me when I tell him what to do. And that is an aspect of what that is. I am convinced he would just run to OW fast as could be. He needs to find his own way. Do I wish we were seeing eye to eye right now? Oh yes! Do I think my H is doing some things that are wrong, or bad? Yes, I do. But I am quite sure I will know when my H is in agreement with me, and he will probably tell me. Until then I will be as agreeable in demeanor as I can be, button my lips when I can not speak kindly, and accept the fact that my H is not seeing things the same way I do right now (and perhaps not even clearly... who knows). But this is his timetable not mine. I will be telling my truth as part of my self expression in small doses as time goes on - it is necessary at some point if we are to move forward. But first, my H has to show interest in me, and then later he will show interest in what I think and have to say (I hope!).
Deezee, you said waiting for her to come up with her own thoughts/realizations would take too much time - time you do not have. How is that? Is someone dying? Otherwise, I recommend giving her some space and respect to discover herself and her own timing for things. Patience my friend.
My two cents. I hope you were asking... And I apologize for being very cheeky if you were not.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
