I'm not an expert at this, but I think that somehow you both need to let go of the past and move forward. If that isn't possible you may need to seperate again (with the understanding that neither of you will date anyone else!!!!), start dating each other, working on becoming healthy as individuals, help each other and just become best friends. Once the relationship is healthy then move back in together. There's an interesting book I bought the other day called. "Getting Back Together." It's about separation. One of the premises in it is that separation CAN be a really healthy thing for a marriage. It should be used as a time for personal growth and healing. One thing is mentions is that oftentimes people try to get back together too quickly before enough healing has occurred.
You might want to consider something like this if things continue to be really stormy. Although I think there would need to be some strict guidelines for the separation (the no dating others being a huge one!).
Good luck to you!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
