Just wanted to update… Tough stuff right now. First some good news: H had his first appt with a really good counselor finally (and not a minute too soon) and she’s really got him thinking and working hard. He’s seeing her again this Wed. The result is that he’s in a spin - facing a lot of demons, and questioning everything. He has slowed down some (but not all) of the positive stuff that was going on between us, because his whole energy is self-directed. I’m trying to remind myself that the path to success is a zigzag, but it’s hard for me to keep my PMA. Where just a week ago, there was a lot of optimism from him, this week was less so. I’m letting that “create my weather” which I know is premature. The C suggested a few things to him- that he “give himself permission” to “give” to me when he can, and also ask for more space (from me and everyone) when he needs to. Another thing she suggested was to stop letting OW “hang” and to end all contact with her, which shocked me- he’s actually thinking about doing it (not for OR, necessarily, but for himself). He says he’s already talked to OW about it, but will likely have to address it when she’s here at Christmas. He took back his offer for her to stay with him over the holidays. God only knows where I fit into that plan.
He explained to me that he feels bad talking to me right now because while he’s pulling away from her, he’s “all over the map” (again) and sometimes questioning my place, too. Never stops saying he loves me, though. I had been “making him work for it” which resulted in him asking me to our company Christmas party (we danced together ) I was started asking for what I need, but now I see the timing of that is wrong and I’m going to have to find the strength to not ask for reassurance too. I’m trying to face the “what if” he decides to end contact with me, too?
I found out last night just how worried H is about money. Can’t afford to buy for his daughter for Christmas, and he’s afraid of losing our house. It breaks my heart that we have to deal with this kind of trouble on top of it all. Time for some solution-thinking and action in this area, as hard as the choices are.
As for me, I’m having to face some demons of my own. Especially with the holidays coming (which I know is hard for everyone). I am grateful and even awestruck by the progress from last year, and for some simple blessings. I have to find a way to give myself peace and meaning, because with all that’s going on, I fear I will be more alone than last year. It’s not even something H could “fix”- it’s me. I feel a miracle is too much to hope for, but there have been some, I know.
I am seeing some really positive things going on for others, here on the board, and I feel bad that I don’t have time to read and post replies often. Deep down, I often wonder if I have anything proper to offer. Another thing to work on… Thanks for being here.
) I was started asking for what I need, but now I see the timing of that is wrong and I’m going to have to find the strength to not ask for reassurance too. I’m trying to face the “what if” he decides to end contact with me, too? 
