Quote: 1)when i want to go do something anything she calls me and calls me. tries to come along also. 2)she still has sex with me, the last time was monday morning, so she has to have attraction with me. 3)she shuts me out when she dosnt want me around, like monday evening, she came home knowing we had plans for the 4th and changed them, left for two days and had no contact with me.
Hmmm. Ok. I see your point. I still think it all looks like a woman who is more confused at what she wants than sure she wants to leave and is stalling for some reason. People doing that tend to act a lot more like my W (no affection, no sex) than yours.
Quote: i am telling you, she is totally messed up. she is on again off again every hour.
See above. And I am telling you the same thing but we are coming to two different conclusions, two different plans of action because of it. You are saying this means it's time to give up, I am saying it means it's time to DB your ass off, have patience and BE THE BETTER OPTION.
I know a TON of people here have a problem with thinking that their WAS come back to them by default or that they're somehow the 2nd choice. THE WOMAN MARRIED YOU so until she divorces you, you are the 1st choice...and then maybe the 3rd. In any event, as I said last week, it all comes down to what she wants and if that is to be married to you. Before that, it DOES come down to what YOU want. If you don't want to be married to her, and this is all too much, then walk away. It IS your choice. It always has been.
Quote: as for her boundaries, i think she is setting them so i will stay and do nothing, truly i believe that is what she is doing, she wants to go do whatever she wants but when i do she wants to go along or calls. yes i should be happy about those boundaries, but i feel i will be the only one sticking to them.
Ok, well first of all, lets get our terms straight so that we are talking about the same thing here. Boundaries, in the way most people here use them, are something that one sets for themselves to govern THEIR reaction or action in a situation. For example, if W brings home the OM to our house, I will move out. That is NOT a boundary on her, but one on YOU. YOU are deciding that if something happens, then you will react accordingly. You can choose to share your boundary or not, but it is put in place so you know how far you will allow things to go before YOU take action. It has nothing to do with your W other than she has the decision to make about whether to cross the line or not. She's free to do so.
SO, back to your sitch...What your W wants is not boundaries but a set of agreed to conditions of your separation and I agree 100% with you. IF she is not honoring those conditions than they are meaningless and not worth thinking about. However, the tricky part comes when you have to verify her breaking of the conditions. That's why it's really hard to do something like that because it encourages snooping and a certain amount of deception.
Like I said, if she is not willing to honor the conditions SHE wants in place for the separation, then they are of no use to you. FYI, in my opinion they are all things that, no matter WHAT she says or does, should be done by YOU as a matter of course. I think you should refrain from dating until after the D, be honest as you can with her, and if she wants it, be open with her about your feelings.
Quote: and to you i seem very impatient, which in a way i am, but her mood and thoughts change on an hour to hour time frame.
That's because they are. Do you not realize that this is as hard, if not much harder for her? Remember, you're only trying to save your marriage. She's trying to process her feelings for two different men, end one relationship, save another, stay independent, get her needs met, function in life, ignore history and do all that while being "messed up" as you say. Sure, I sound like I'm on her side, but as I have said in the past, there are no sides in a marriage, no real right and wrong, just two different interpretations of the same events/marriage/conversations.
Quote: i feel subconsciously i am pushing her to move out and find her way, i know now more than anytime before she needs to miss me, be jealous, and know that this is her choice, and she must live with her decisions. my problem is i am too loving, caring, and now i can not give that to her anymore, until she longs for it again.
You know what. Maybe you are right. Jealousy is not a good thing ever, but missing you, yes, you may be right. That's what going "dark" and all that is about. If she moves out, then you have to move on and GAL. You DON'T have to date though. You simply have to engage in life once again and give her a chance to miss you.
On last little slap...you say you are too loving and caring to do what you need to do. I suspect that your way of showing that love often gets misinterpreted by her as smothering and jealous behavior. She probably won't ever long for that again.
I think you COULD do this without her leaving and even if she does leave again, I am worried that if she came back, history would repeat itself because you seem so locked into somewhat negative traits of yours and even trumpet them as positive attributes. Until you change the things about you that negatively affect the dynamic with your W, your M will be hard to work on.
