should i keep trying?

[grasshopper]

Ah shippd...your ride is far from over, even if you manage to grab the controls my friend.

w and i had a long discussion on friday about what she wants. i just listened...

Good. It's really good to be able to do this, especially when they are saying things that we flat out don't agree with, or sound stupid, silly, or otherwise nonsensical.

she still does not want a divorce, yet, she just needs more time.

So, are you willing to, or able to give her this without surgically removing her from your life, thoughts and heart? If so, she SEEMS to be telling you to back off, GAL, become more "you" and let her have the time and space to figure things out for herself without the constant pressure of your "needs".

think she is moving out today, but don't know as of yet. i also think she is only prolonging the r for what ever reason she has.

Um, ok, she IS prolonging the R for, well, maybe the reasons she TOLD YOU ABOUT. Maybe, just maybe, she's as confused as you are and doesn't know what she wants and needs TIME AND SPACE to figure it out. Whether she moves out or not, you have to STOP reading her mind and deciding that either you know more than she does about why she's doing what she's doing, or that she's lying to you every step of the way. YOU DON'T KNOW what she's doing or why so stop speculating.

i have come to the point that i can and will survive without her, that i can find happyness. i am not depressed that much about my failed marriage, just disappointed.

Good! Seriously, this is really good. I know it's hard to get to that point, but when you really realize that you can and will find happiness on your own, you will start to see things in a better light. Also, once you decide this is possible, the next step is making it possible WITH people you love in the picture. What I mean by that is realizing that you can make yourself happy and ensure your own happiness without extracting your W or anyone else from your life. That's the essence of detachment; realizing that you can maintain YOUR emotional balance in the presence of someone who is emotionally unbalanced. In other words, it's GREAT to find the strength to make your own smiles on a daily basis, now take the next step and do it in the company of others who may, or may not contribute to your happiness.

she tells me things like she still loves me, that she would like to figure herself out to involve me in her life. she is so scared that i will right her off and not be her friend. she wants me in her life in a big roll but not as a husband. WTF does that mean?

First of all, and for the most part, who cares WTF it means.

It's BS for a couple reasons. First, we're told for good reason to basically not listen to anything they say, especially when they are trying to predict the future. If we are horrible because we try to read their minds all the time, they are because they try to tell us how they'll feel in a week, month or year from now. She has NO freaking clue what role she'll want you to play in the future. She only knows that today, July 5th, 2006, you are not someone she sees herself being married to, or to a lesser extent, in a romantic relationship with. That is ALL based on the current set of dynamics and the current situation. Dynamics change second by second, as do situations.

BUT, if she persists with the whole "If we D I want us to be the best of friends" routine, you simply tell her that while you would be interested in maintaining a cordial relationship for the kid's sake, you will not be able to be there for her in the way you thinks she'd want you to be. It would not be fair to you. It's not out of spite at all, merely reflecting your need to move on to the rest of your life, a life that really, other than when it pertains to the kids, does not really have to involve her.

That all said, you can always maintain that as of today, you feel (just like she feels that she will ALWAYS feel certain ways) that you will always love her and have a place in your heart for her should she decide that she wants to try again.

she is trying to set boundaries on our new separation, like no dating, total honesty, and communication about feelings.

I want to be clear. She SAID these things to you? She said that there needs to be no dating, honesty and open communication and somehow you don't like these things? WTH more could you ask for? IF, and that's a BIG if, she's sincere about these commitments, then it seems like she's almost setting up a tailor made situation for BOTH of you to get your $hit straight. Again, why do you not like this again? I am really confused. Are you trying to save your marriage or just be in control of everything?

If these conditions were YOUR conditions on separation, and SHE were the one balking, I could understand a bit better.

Is it that you feel the need to date, stop communicating and never express how you feel?

these are her boundaries, but i am getting sick and tired of what she wants. its time i start doing what i want

Pardon me if this sounds a bit juvenile. The R is about what you BOTH want. She can no more set boundaries for you than you can her. She can't dictate to you what you do when you are separated but she CAN ask you to agree to certain things. Again (sorry for the dead horse beating) but why could you not live with these "conditions" since they SEEM to favor your marriage and the hope of saving it more than not. Maybe I am WAY off base with that. Other opinions anyone?

but the biggest thing is my marriage and i can not have that so i will let it go.

Um, I guess this is a unilateral decision on your part right? You W hasn't told you that, and even when she does, she says something different the next day. Nobody here has looked at your sitch and pronounced it dead. I think you mean to say "i can not have that RIGHT NOW so I will let it go." If you are willing to lose your W because you lack the patience to give this process time, then fine, but it seems to me there is a lot to fight for here.

my roller-coaster has come to an end, i one month i went from wife talking to me again, moving home, to now leaving so she can find her way, i hear that all the time. its my time now.

Sounds like the kid who takes his ball and goes home. Be very clear (based on what you posted here...if there is more to the story, you left it out) from what you posted here, your W seems to be asking for time and space and you are hearing "it's over and we'll never be together". That's up to YOU to interpret what she's saying that way. You SAY you listened to her but yet you still persist on putting your personal spin on everything she says and does.

So freaking what if she needs time/space to find her way. I get that you wouldn't be happy unless she just walked in today, admitted how much of an a-hole she is and begged your forgiveness, then went on to be the perfect W, never unhappy (because that would mean going back to the "old" times and unacceptable) and live with you, in your present state of being.

Please, if you can find a way to yes, DO YOUR OWN THING, without that meaning you have to "give up" on your W, do that. You do need to let go of your attachment to her, but you do NOT have to give up on her.

GH