should i keep trying?

[grasshopper]

so THANK YOU, and if you think i am too lost, then you do not have to respond to me anymore, i will go at this alone, and see where it ends up.

Never. I never said that, nor implied it. You never have to go this alone. You had the courage to start posting here because you thought the people here could and would help you. That's still true. If I thought you were too lost, I would simply stop talking to you...just like your W would if she were truly "over" you.

and to you i seem pretty crazy.

Not at all. You are simply going through one of the hardest things in the world to go through. You are NOT crazy.

GH i understand the affects of detaching, i believe in some of the things, but not on others.

That's fair, and really the best way to take in this stuff. We can't all believe in 100% of all this. You have to change it to suit your needs, your life.

i can not and will not (as you have told me) change my core, what i feel i am all about. i am a loving person, and i NEED to show that love to everyone i do love.

Who ever said you needed to change that? I am loving too and need to show that to everyone I love too, but I don't think that's what I was doing when I was all angry and wanting to end my marriage over my W's affair. I came to understand that a lot of what I thought of as love was codependency and that was something that would kill ANY relationship, with my W or anyone else. Now I understand that I CAN show love to my W even in these trying times, even if she doesn't show it back to me...right now. I CAN remain loving in the face of this ordeal, and THAT is how I remain the loving, kind soul I think I am.

Again, I never suggested you change ANYTHING about the core of you. You just change the behaviors that didn't really express that loving nature, i.e. the anger, controlling and other "negatives" that crept into your personality, betraying the "real you".

if that is BAD, then well i will just have to be bad.

That is not "bad" if it's truly who you want to be, and HOW you want to express it. If you decide that your behavior, your life is "perfect" for you as is, and you can't change any more, then accept that and let the chips fall where they may. There's only so much we can do, the rest is up to God, or, God forbid, our W's.

i am just having a hard time with everything right now, and i have only posted a small portion of the things i am going thru right now.

Ok, and I feel for you. Don't post less, post more. Post the rest of what you're going through. Maybe we can help.

i should have not posted yesturday, i was very angry with my wife, and i have every right to be.

Yes you should have posted. WE ALL post things like that, and if someone who cares about us is watching, we ALL get posts back like the one I posted to you. It happens. Don't let that prevent you from posting. This is the RIGHT place to vent, so you don't do it at home.

i have calmed down with her now, did not say anything to her about my anger.

\\

Good. I'm glad.

i do need to LOOK into the mirror, and ask myself some hard questions. 1) what do i really want, am i saving my marriage for me or the kids. i can not anwser that right now 2) do i truely feel my wife will be a person I WANT to live happy with. 3) do i feel if we stay together, will this ever happen again, cause if i believe it will, i need to end it now.

VERY good questions, but the third one you CANNOT answer, and neither can she. For that matter you can't even say YOU won't cheats sometime in the future, and if you say for sure that you won't, I'll call you a liar because damn near every one of our spouses would have offered up their first born as proof that they'd never cheat either...and here they are...and here we are...

Even the second question is loaded a bit because again, are you talking about who she is today, the vile cheating b!tch, or the potential loving woman whom you forgive and who forgives herself for her transgressions...and btw, forgives YOU for yours as well?

The first question is obviously the key, and without answering that with conviction, you likely will struggle with this.

you guys are right, now i have to go to my CORE and work out from there. i have not done this at this point, mainly because i was only focused on saving my marriage, i forgot to recinize to ask myself what i truly want. i am going to do that now, i dont know if i will stay or go at this point.

Good. You're right, it IS something that you needed to be doing all along, and now that you recognize that, I think you will start to be better. You have the tools. Just use them now.

i do LOVE MY WIFE, but sorry to say SHE is testing my love beyound the boundies of marriage.

I can't resist this one last time...do you think YOU'VE in any way tested HER boundaries of marriage? Do you think she just woke up one day and decided to ruin your life? You either give her too much credit or WAY too little. You don't have a monopoly on feeling slighted by what you're marriage has become. It's just that it "became" for you more recently and now you are faced with the decision that she was faced with some time ago...do I fight to change and save my marriage or do I go another direction? It's up to you now.

and if you think i am too lost, then you do not have to respond to me anymore, i will go at this alone, and see where it ends up.

Once again, NEVER is someone too lost. As long as you post, I will never stop replying.

GH