should i keep trying?

[grasshopper]

man, great advice, your right about it all. i have known it also but didnt want to admit it. i know and want her to honestly come back to me for her, not me. because i know it wont work again, if she comes back only for me and the kids.

you guys are right, and i have been that confident guy, thats why i think she is wanting to be around me. its still hard though, putting on that happy face knowing i want more. i try to be confident, but also its hard knowing that she is still seeing the other guy that i dont know anything about. i will go with her tonight, be happy and see where it leads, i just dont know if i will slipe up AGAIN!!! i have read it takes a month for every year you were married to fix this, man i cant wait that long. thats 17 months for me, is she worth it? i want to hope so, but that is a long time.

you know, i have always been the popular guy, very outgoing, and confident. she has said that has built up resentment on her part because i lost that with her.

your right and i know that. she has asked me for the old me back, even before she left.

i have made a commintment to myself to not ask her for anything, time, hugs, kisses, nothing. which is a 180 for me. i will take what she gives me and go with that, with no expectations.

for the next 2 hrs we made love and it was great. sunday she wanted to hang out with her best friend, which was fine with me. sunday evening she just showed up and wanted to have supper with me and the kids. after supper the kids went outside, (we were now alone) w stated that last night all the dancing made her feet hurt. i massaged her feet and after that i thought (why not) i went for it. to my suprise she did not stop me, we ML again. after i was done she looked me right in my eyes and asked me (WHO ARE YOU), i laughed and said stick around and you will find out.

your right gh, i have fallen to the (shes showing me attention) bug and forgetting all about my self improvements. thanks for reminding me!! i will go back to work and take what she give and leave it at that. (well try anyway) im only human and of course i want more, i think we all do. but i also know im getting all i can right now. just wish it was more (gretty you know), but thanks for putting me back on track. just trying to deal with her emotions, (hard for me to understand) but trying to deal with it.

she told me that she just wasnt getting much space and she really needed that right now.

i know for a fact that she wants this to work, she told me that last night, she just thinks about it too much and confuses herself.

w took me out friday and we had a great time. she even asked me to stay the night with her at her place. saturday was nice we spent the whole day together and she stayed the night with me. sunday we had another great day together with the kids. monday while taking a walk together, she brought up the r talk. we talked about our fears and what we wanted in our marriage. she told me that sh wanted to come home, but her fears are keeping her from doing that at this time. all in all our r is going soo much better now then even a month ago. i can now say that i believe we are going to make it through the hell that has been the last 6 months.

All that...and then you went "into the $hit basket" again and it looks like you're determinded to stay there despite being in a position in your sitch that many here would kill for. Sad.

You know, a wise woman aroung here once told me that there were people here who just refused to get it. Are you one of those people? I KNOW you have the capacity to be otherwise. Sorry. If this it too blunt, then stop reading now.

I have tried very hard to help you, and I still want to do that now. I have NOT given up on you even though you seem to have given up on yourself. I am NOT perfect in any way, nor is my advice but if you are going to completely ignore me, muddle and anyone else who tries to help, then the quality of the advice is of no consequence. It's PERFECTLY fine to vent, but at some point you also have to listen, something that you seem to struggle with both with us and your W. When muddle posted what, 2 or 3 times about you taking responsibility for YOUR life, you didn't even respond. You just kept posting. Did you even hear him? If so, what do you think about that? Is he just wrong? Is he right and you don't want to admit it? I'm just trying to figure out what you are trying to get out of this.

I have seen you happy ONLY when she was happy. I have seen you positive one day about your sitch, again, when she was "giving" you that positive outlook, only to be back in the basket the next day just because she was in a bad mood. You know what the one thing my W cited as being the biggest reason she was unhappy? It was the burden of making ME happy all the time and that she knew if she wasn't 100% happy and upbeat all the time then I would be unhappy and would in turn make her miserable. I did that to her for our entire marriage. Don't you think I could just sit here and bemoan what SHE DID TO ME too? Couldn't I just say, "yea well, at least I never CHEATED" and quit trying? I COULD do that but you know what, it doesn't address the problems of my marriage and I don't care if you use Plan A, B, C or Z, no plan will EVER save your marriage if you are unwilling to look at the REAL issues of the marriage from BOTH perspectives, then you will never have anything of lasting value.

If you look at your life and you don't want your marriage anymore, then leave. Quit. Get angry at your W and the world for putting you in this position. Keep believing that you are prefect, and mind you, from your latest posts, you do think that of yourself, especially in the context of your marriage, and move on. Find a new person to be with that will take responsibility for your happiness and bear the burden of all your baggage. I know after hearing the true, long suffered pain in my W's voice as she described being responsible for MY happiness over the past 10 years, I don't EVER want to be in that kind of R again.

Muddle said it best. You have completely given all your personal power to this woman and it's no surprise that she's able to do this to you, and I take NO happiness in saying that because I know your pain IS real, and IS unjustified but after a certain amount of time and understanding, we have to learn to move on from that. I can only hope that going forward, this pain at least serves to prevent you from giving so much of your life over to another person. It's not fair to them OR you.

I really thought things were moving forward for you, and I still think they could be, but you know what, if you choose to turn around and walk backwards, then I can only hope you get what you are looking for. I hope what lies down that path brings you the peace and happiness you can't find on this one.

Shippd, I have been with you from the beginning and just want what's best for you. I don't know your W so I can't really say I want what's best for her. You said you wanted to save this marriage, so as long as you're here, I am still going to try to help you do that. I know this hurts like hell, but you know what, so do a lot of things in life and we just learn to do what we have to do to make it to the next day.

she has given me two great kids, and made my life over 16 years great, but the past year all she has given me is heart ach and pain. can the 16 years out weigh the last year i dont know, i had hope that it would, but that is fadding fast.

Look, if 1 year of pain is not worth two kids, 16 years of love, and the potential for a lifetime beyond that, then methinks you don't truly value that love. What's the difference between what you are considering now and what WAS all over the world do? Let's see...I'm not really happy right now and that's all my spouses fault so I'll just go find a new partner and it'll fix all my problems. Wrong for them, and wrong for you.

Please shippd, please hear me. I don't want you to stay in this marriage if it's going be the wrong thing for you.

IF you somehow find the courage to try something different, something different than giving up, or being attached to her every emotional whim, then you need to do it for the long term, not just until she changes moods.

I still have faith in you but you really need to take a good hard look in the mirror and see if you truly have faith in yourself, no matter WHAT happens with your marriage cuz going forward, you WILL need that to build a new life.

Last thing...when you look in that mirror, do you see the "old you" still? You did a few weeks ago...where did he go?

GH