Quote: how do you learn to stop this behaver and instead of talking, start listening? i wish i could figure this out. she wants my love, but she is so affaid of letting the past go, that even she thinks at this point, that will be our downfall.
Ding, ding, ding, ding!!!!!
Listen to this! She's telling you a BIG part of what she DOESN'T want from the past, and the reason she can't let it go is because it's still going on...right now...or right then at least.
Quote: how do you learn to stop this behaver and instead of talking, start listening?
I AM you in this respect. I love to talk and had a really hard time with the listening part. All I can say is learning more about HOW to listen and WHY you listen and WHAT to listen for helped me a lot. I read a ton of stuff (Five Love Languages and Mars/Venus top the list) and then really decided that I WANTED TO CHANGE THIS BEHAVIOR.
You see, I have a philosophy that goes a little something like this (and it's not a unique one BTW)...
Most people won't change something about themselves until they want that change more than they want what already is. That may sound logical and oversimplified, but I don't think so. Take me for instance. I discovered awhile ago that I enjoyed certain drama more than I wanted to change the dynamic of my sitch to eliminate that drama. That was a hard thing to admit because it meant I actually LIKED some of the pain I was in enough to not WANT to change it or alleviate some of the cause of the pain. I found this out because I realized that all I had to do to change the sitch was, well, just DO it. When I figured out it was that easy, I looked at the sitch and realized that I KNEW it was that easy all along but didn't do it, mainly because I felt entitled to my sorrow and fell into the trap of getting comfortable with it. It wasn't until I WANTED to be happy, or have less drama that I made some changes that helped achieve that goal.
I think that in your case, you are hung up on expressing yourself to your W, as if her hearing it ONE more time will make the critical difference. You have to WANT to listen rather than express YOUR opinions and you have to WANT to understand her more than you WANT to have her understand you.
The important distinction is that you develop an understanding that for you, knowing what SHE thinks is just as, if not MORE important a goal in conversation than is expressing yourself. I had to figure this out too, and it's a BIG work in progress. I still run off a the mouth and have to force myself to shut up. I am most successful when I remember that to learn more about her, I actually have to let her talk.
You can learn to listen, but first, you have to want to.
you know GH i try and not talk so much, but everytime she says something, she looks at me with these puppy dog eyes and waits for me to say something, its confusing at hell. it just keeps hitting my in the face, i went and mowed the yard of the house she was staying in yesturday. while mowing the neighbor, (which is a friend of mine) came over and talked to me. he knows of our sitch, and told me about the guy she was seeing. gave me a detail what he looks like and everyting. i now am pretty sure i know who he is and i just want to go and really kick his a**, but i know it wont help the sitch any, but man he talks to me like hes my friend and how can i let him get away with it. it is all hitting me in the face and its all i can do to control myself. i truly think that her behaver the last several days is because she still is seeing him. maybe not, but thats what i feel. i think she lied to me once and she could lie to me again. i am pretty close to my breaking point, i love her very much, but everything is hitting me right in the face now and its hard to keep my love for her. i feel she chooses to be in this mood, or atleast to stay in this mood. when i am not wanting to talk to her, she comes to me and wants to talk about it. or at least get me to talk about it and then she just listens. i need to not let her do this to me anymore. its hard not too though.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
marcus33, thanks for the response. i have been doing the carrot of plan A but that is not working for my sitch. i dont know what else to do. she is so distant now that it is driving me nuts, i have thrown everything out the window that i have learned the last four months, i dont mean too it has just happened. we are now back to square one. i dont know if i can continue with this path. i know people in here have done this a long time, but yet have not seen them in any better standing now then they were in the beginning. we all try and make ourselfs better, but our S just dont or will not believe us and wants to join us in our pusuit to save our marriages. i would like to know what the percentiges are of people in here that end up in a happy marriage by doing these things we all bought into. i bought into saving my marriage, but now i feel i am just prolonging the obivious, my marriage is over, my wife is no more, she is not the woman i fell in love with, and i am now wondering if she will ever be that woman again.
one more thing, i now know why 2nd marriages fail at a higher rate then first ones, BECAUSE WE LBS WILL NOT GO THRU THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING AGAIN, we get harder and close off our hearts, because (sorry ladies) women hit there mid 30's and fantize about men that dont exist. i am and was a great husband, father and care giver. i have not changed that, she changed from a loving mother, to a lieing cheating marriage vals breaking person. she says i did this to her, WRONG, i did not, she did this to herself. if i was unhappy i would have spoken up to her about it, i would have chose a different path. we all can focus on ourselfs, make us better, but in the end were doing this and they chose not too change, instead they chose to live in the past with us and thats that. i dont see my wife changing and we all know that your wifes WILL NOT CHANGE EITHER. so i am done banging my head against the wall.
one more thing, i now know why 2nd marriages fail at a higher rate then first ones, BECAUSE WE LBS WILL NOT GO THRU THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING AGAIN, we get harder and close off our hearts, because (sorry ladies) women hit there mid 30's and fantize about men that dont exist. i am and was a great husband, father and care giver. i have not changed that, she changed from a loving mother, to a lieing cheating marriage vals breaking person. she says i did this to her, WRONG, i did not, she did this to herself. if i was unhappy i would have spoken up to her about it, i would have chose a different path. we all can focus on ourselfs, make us better, but in the end were doing this and they chose not too change, instead they chose to live in the past with us and thats that. i dont see my wife changing and we all know that your wifes WILL NOT CHANGE EITHER. so i am done banging my head against the wall.
one more thing, i now know why 2nd marriages fail at a higher rate then first ones, BECAUSE WE LBS WILL NOT GO THRU THIS PAIN AND SUFFERING AGAIN, we get harder and close off our hearts, because (sorry ladies) women hit there mid 30's and fantize about men that dont exist. i am and was a great husband, father and care giver. i have not changed that, she changed from a loving mother, to a lieing cheating marriage vals breaking person. she says i did this to her, WRONG, i did not, she did this to herself. if i was unhappy i would have spoken up to her about it, i would have chose a different path. we all can focus on ourselfs, make us better, but in the end were doing this and they chose not too change, instead they chose to live in the past with us and thats that. i dont see my wife changing and we all know that your wifes WILL NOT CHANGE EITHER. so i am done banging my head against the wall.
Hey Shppd - let go. Stop expecting anything. Don't put pressure on your W again, and don't put pressure on yourself again. What are the milestones on your journey to your goal of restoring your marriage? How many have you seen and passed so far? Your sitch truly seems to be PROGRESSING, not just evolving, yet you seem to be impatient. Your marriage is over once you have ended it, and that has not happened yet. You are giving up hope. Why? Because you're not getting what you want right now? Because you're not where you expected to be? Do you, and you alone, understand all that you will go through to divorce? Can you accept that as a way out of this uncertainty? Can you live with yourself for giving up after you have come so far? You are a different person now, and so is your W. Perhaps if you give it a little more time, and a little less scrutiny things will change. Focus on the good - this takes discipline and is your responsibility alone. If you can think of 3 positive things about your W for every negative, you will feel very differently about her. And move on - focus on other things in your life so that this isn't so central and important to you - you might just find that by nurturing it more rather than expecting things out of it you find more satisfaction in it. Of course no one can decide but you when enough is enough. I'm sure that you know that there is no quick fix for the problems, even the big D won't resolve anything - in fact it will prolong the problems. Regardless - reach down an tap into that strength that's inside you and be the person you want to be.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
your right on some points, i have giving up hope, i am not going to do the things i have been doing. no more loving caring husband, friend, what ever the fu** i have been to her latly. she wants space, she has it, she needs to find her way she gets it. she is nothing but a taker now, she does not give anything, and until she does, i will not give anymore. i will not give her the satifaction of telling her to leave, i will not file for divorce, i will just let her be, to go on her journey alone, not with me following behind picking up the pieces trying to put back together, she caused this, yes i have made mistakes, but was never called on them until now. i have done everything she stated she needed me to do, and she admitts that, but she is still messed up. there is nothing else i can do, but start living my life the way i want to and i WILL NOT OPEN UP TO HER anymore until she wants me to. its up to her, stay and work on this or leave and get out of my life, HER CHOICE.
Although you seem to be more reactive than anything else, it still is a step in the right direction. I know that on some level in my sitch I hope/feel that by appeasing my W, giving her what she wants, she'll be obligated to give me what I want. Nope. Maybe if we're able to give them space - really give them space, not just say that's what we're doing - they will decide to give it another try. Not because of anything we did, but because they were able to quiet the raging storm they're in enough to listen to their inner voice, and gain some clarity. I think what you plan to do - even though it seems like it's coming as an expression of anger and frustration - is truly detaching and giving up trying to control the situation. It's not up to you, and it's not going to happen on your schedule either. Let go, but maintain hope.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
