As if you couldn't already tell, I am using your thread/your issues as a way to work out some of my own since you seem pretty similar to me in some ways...
Quote: GH, your right, in many ways i havent change shi$. i am the same guy i have always been. i am curently still attached to her emotionaly, and physicaly.
Ok, but I don't think I said you haven't changed, because I'm SURE you have at least if only the respect that you are now MUCH more self-aware and KNOW there are things you need to change. That alone is a HUGE change for most people. Don't discount it.
As far as your attachment/need for her, yes, you do need to try to lessen that. It's fine to WANT her but need, that's not really productive, especially in this sitch.
Quote: i need to start this today (which i will)
Good, depending on what "this" is. If it's loving detachment, then GREAT, please start now but if it's more related to...
Quote: my brother in law keeps telling me i dont need this, i deserve to have a wife that wants to be with me, that helps me when im down, that wants me to help them when they are down.
Then yes, start believing this too, but don't let it build resentment in you and make you ANGRY enough to detach. My W does this ALL the time with her parents and other family members. She takes their crap for so long and then gets ANGRY at them and detaches. I have tried to tell her (bad GH) that she CAN just decide not to let their emotional garbage affect her, but every time, she needs to get ANGRY at them before deciding that it's ok to let go of her negative feelings towards how THEY act.
You can do the same. Detach because as your BIL says, you love yourself and DESERVE to be happy, not because you are angry at W for not being there for you. Learn to be there for yourself. You deserve THAT much more than someone else being there FOR YOU.
Quote: his advice is to give up and find someone who excepts me for who i am.
Remember what DB/DR says about well-meaning family and friends. They often will advise us soley on what they think is right for us as individuals, and not take into account our feelings for the marriage and our spouses. I would take his advice with a BIG grain of salt. As much as I am pointing fingers at you for being 100% at fault (or you thought I was) HE is 100% letting you off the hook, essentially saying that you do no wrong and to find a woman who agrees with that statement. You won't find one I bet.
I am not saying you need to change your core, just some of the behaviors that would have worn on most ANY woman, not just your W.
Quote: he is very religious, and tells me every day that i need jesus in my life and needs a wife who respects me and loves me.
Ok, the religion part aside, which is something between you and God as far as I am concerned, don't we ALL need that. I wonder though what he really means by that, and if he considers her actions "mortal sins" from which there is no marital redemption. If his view is rigid in this respect, then I guess there is no reason discussing it much with him. You know how he feels so decide if you want to do that. If not, then maybe as I said, it's time to scale back the talk with him.
Quote: In many ways hes right, but he has a loving wife and great marriage. he has never been though this, so its easy for him to tell me to let her go, that i deserve better.
So you think. You may THINK you know all he's been through or that his marriage is "great" but then again, you probably thought that about your own before all this too. I'm NOT saying he doesn't have all that, just that you don't KNOW he does.
I agree in principal, someone who has not gone through this is likely to have VERY different opinions from those that have.
------- I have chosen to pull one quote and make it a reply of it's own because I think it's important enough. -------
Quote: i will still be loving and caring, but i WILL not pursue her anymore. if that is the only reason she is still here then she will never change. and i do want a loving wife that show me as much affection and compasion as i show them. so today is a new day for me, in the end she may not like the new me but i cannot worry about that.
This sounds about right. I too suffer this, as do many of us. We think that the only reason they are still around is because we pursue them, or guilt keeps them around. I think your new approach, if done from a place of self-love and not anger at her, will be GREAT for you. You DO deserve to be happy and you need to take steps to ensure that.
