We seem to come here most when we are feeling something - either good or bad.
I have been feeling mostly good lately, watching baby steps, but I have expected the upside down days and today is one.
Oddly enough, H has been making a real effort to show he cares this week. We've had a couple of OR talks and I let him help me with a couple of little problems, which made me uneasy- maybe he isn't ready for it. And though it seems like what we're doing is working, I still wonder whether I should be spending much time with him until he ends it with OW.
Aha, there it is! OW is getting to me. He hasn't ended it. And I am worried about myself- that I'll get sucked in to all the bad stuff again- worry, fear, suspicion, frustration. I even snooped today. (holy backslide, huh???) In his email- and of course, it made me feel worse. A glimpse of their relationship and it creeped me out. And it made me wonder whether he's really lying to me? MISTRUST.
I felt panic and anxiety, and anger and I wanted to stay away from him. It's not that anything I read really should surprise me from what he does tell me. What it did was make the situation real (and ugly) to me again, it was a reminder that there's no way I can know what is really going on in him. And that she really is still out there wreaking havoc in my world. Scary.
I realized something else, too - It's a little about winning a war for me. A war with her. I'm not so proud of that.
I am calmer now, and so that is a good sign, the brain is working rationally on this not-so-rational situation. Maybe I need some distance- just a day or two to see what happens.
