Quote: you know GH, it seems to me that you like her keeps thinking this is all my fault.
If that's what I seem to be telling you, then I need to do a better job of explaining my point. My point is NOT that it's all your fault, but rather that you can only CHANGE your part in this. You can only change YOU and paying so much attention to her and what she's doing or not doing is not going to get you anywhere.
Let me say clearly again. THIS IS NOT ALL YOUR FAULT. The affair is NOT YOUR FAULT. The only thing that is your fault is whatever part of the "bad" marriage you contributed to.
All I am trying to open you up to is the idea that there really is no black & white here unless you decide there is. There is room for empathy and a whole range of emotions other than anger, resentment and pity. She views JUST AS MUCH of your actions in the past as "evil" as you do hers. I am NOT SAYING SHE'S RIGHT, and that's the ultimate point I am trying to get across. NEITHER OF YOU IS RIGHT in the extreme sense, nor are you wrong. She has to learn to forgive both you AND herself and stop feeling "wrong" rather than sorry. She made a mistake. She needs to be forgiven for that, and forgive herself. YOU made mistakes, and you need to forgive yourself for them and SO DOES SHE.
One last time. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, but since you are the only one posting here, and have been the one doing the most work on this, it's a lot on YOU to continue that, which leads to your next question...
Quote: i have to do all the changes, all the good, and maybe, just maybe she will notice and change.
Sorry, but I am only telling you what I have experienced and read in DB/DR. The books clearly say that one of the biggest frustrations we will face is that we have to do ALL the work for the foreseeable future.
That said, I think you have it slightly wrong. You make these changes because you now realize that things in you NEEDED to change because YOU WANT THEM TO. The part about her noticing is all about the idea that she fell in love with some version of you, one that is probably a hell of a lot closer to the new you than the one she left, right? The point is that we have to get back to being the REAL us, the one they were attracted to, the one they married, so that yes, by virtue of our changes THEY go back to being the woman WE were attracted to and married.
Quote: i have made big strides towards change. i do feel its time for her to make strides also.
Ok, and you have every right to feel that way but you feeling that way doesn't guarantee her making those strides. In fact, if she feels pressure from you to "make strides" then it may in some way make her not want to. Remember, this whole thing is all about creating a situation where both the LBS, by way of intense self-analysis and change, and the WAS by way of those same changes in the LBS and therefore the environment, feel safe to examine the situation. If she feels like you are standing there, arms folded, saying "Ok, I made my changes, now you!" I doubt she will feel very "safe" to do so simply because that may feel controlling to her.
She needs to do this on her time frame, but you are 100% able to set boundaries to govern YOUR time frame and YOUR reactions to it. If she isn't moving fast enough for you, then maybe it's time for you to either try something else, or see a lawyer.
Quote: that all i am saying, but you like her dosent think she has a problem, its still all me and only up to me on where my r with my w goes.
I KNOW SHE HAS A PROBLEM. That's a given. A woman who just cheated on her H and is now trying, however slightly, to return to the marriage has a TON of problems. She has all her own "issues" that she contributed to the "bad" marriage to still deal with along with all the $hit she created by doing this. I have NEVER suggested that I was "with her" in thinking this was all on you, but as I said before, YOU are the only thing I can help, and for that matter, the only thing YOU can help right now too, so yes, it's all on you right now. Sorry, but that's probably going to be the way it is.
Where you are right now is called limbo and when I got there in my sitch, I posted that I thought it was the worst part yet, even worse than the early days after the bombs fell, for EXACTLY the same reasons you feel. I am only trying to help you NOT do what I did, and that is start to feel all the natural resentment and anger that comes once the affair dies and the WAS comes home. You know what though? Those feelings and the need to go through them are probably just as normal as her feeling the way she does.
Quote: guess its easy to point fingers, i am you are and she is deffently is.
Nope. If I am pointing fingers, it's at everyone, myself included. What I am trying to say, over and over again, is that NOBODY IS TO BLAME 100% for this. She cheated, you did whatever she thinks you did to ruin the marriage for her. You both trespassed on the other's expectations of what your vows meant. You BOTH blame each other for what's happened, her a little more I suspect because she knows what she did was wrong. All I am trying to say is that SOMEONE has to be first. SOMEONE has to stop pointing their fingers. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME, but you do happen to be the one best equipped to lay down your weapons and try to move forward peacefully but not as a doormat, rather a strong man, secure in his own decisions and own life. She has way too much anxiety, guilt, anger and sadness to do that...and that's still no excuse, but it's likely the fact. I'm not saying you don't, but then again, you are the one I am numbing my fingers typing to, not her. I can't tell you what to tell her to get her to do what you want.
BTW, if you manage to get this question from the middle of this monster, what do you mean by "she is"? What does she say to you? How does she point at you in all this?
Quote: i will look at myself aAGAIN, and make the changes that i need to, but why do LBS have to make all the changes and the cheating wife dosent?
THEY DO. Problem is that we're the ones who want to save the marriage at first and they are the ones running from it.
Also, if you think she hasn't made changes (and no, I don't mean changing men) then you haven't paid attention. She HAS made changes but is probably afraid to express that to you because you expect her to be the "old loving, caring W" again, which she CAN be, but I think you'll find there is more to her than that now.
She HAS TO MAKE CHANGES in the long run in order for you two to live happily ever after, but your changes, since you made them in response to saving your marriage, but mainly for YOU probably come first.
Let me say again, these changes are for you, right? If so, why does it matter if she makes changes today, tomorrow or next week? If she never changes anything, and you D 6 months from now, are you going to abandon these changes?
Please, please, please, I am on your side. I am not pointing anywhere but towards what I BELIEVE is the best path, but in the end, maybe it's not the path for you. I think you have come a long way but until you can guarantee YOUR OWN happiness (comfort) and stop blaming her for not providing it for you, you may still suffer. So long as she keeps blaming you for your past behavior, things will be slow going indeed.
