Quote: well last night was more of the same, depressed and distant wife.
Almost 100% of the WAS upon return are this way. If they're not, they're covering it up. They are grieving a lost love. They are grieving losing a life they were SURE was their "right path". I would suggest you look back, well you don't even have to look back at all, just look inside. How do YOU feel about losing someone you love? How do YOU feel about your "perfect life" or what you "expected from life" being ripped away from you? She is likely going through that right now, but over OM and what she had with him. You may not want to hear that, but from what I understand (not being a WAS myself, I can't say for sure) that's what they go through. Even if she didn't love him, she thought things were good on that side of the fence. Now she's on your side, a side she was CONVINCED she didn't want to be on, she's given up the "greener grass" on the other side and is scared $hitless that she made the wrong choice, all the while dealing with the loss she may feel.
That all adds up to a negative, $hit soup that, yes, may cause her to be down for some time. It's to be expected. It ANYTHING can be expected, from my experience reading threads here, it's that. My W did it, and I have read countless other sitches where the WAS did it. I even thought, and was actually told this by many people, that until my W acted that way, it was likely that the affair was not truly over. Until she grieved the loss of him, things would not, could not progress between us. I believe that to be true.
Quote: i want to feel comfortable with everyone in my home. right now i dont feel that, the tension my w is creating is not fair to me or the kids. this mood she is in is her choice, she does not have to be this way, she choses too be this way.
I suggest you look at this statement. I agree with you to a certain extent because I say the same to LBS. It's OUR choice to be miserable when they leave us, or cheat on us. Does that mean it's EASY to choose to be any other way? Well, was it easy? Did you ever really choose to do that, and then execute that choice to any degree of success or did your emotions often get the better of you? Remember, she is probably doing this alone, without something like this board or books to help her. It will probably take her more time to break out of this funk.
Now, the real issue here is that as much as her mood is her choice, YOUR reaction to it is yours. If you feel the need to be miserable just because she is, and are SO attached to her emotions, then you have a VERY rough road ahead. Detaching was key before this point and absolutely crucial now.
I know in my sitch, one of my greatest issues is codependency and extreme "attachment". My inability to maintain emotional stability in the face of my W's changing emotions/moods is a LARGE part of the downfall of our marriage. Learning that just because she's down or upset, that does NOT mean I have to be, has been a HUGE help to me and the process of healing our marriage. If you let yourself be pulled down by her, she will never have anything to look to for support or love. If you are floating down in the emotional muck with her, how will either of you ever get out of it?
I also suggest that if being comfortable is your biggest concern, you need to look HARD at that for two reasons. First, see above. Comfort will come with detachment and learning to acknowledge her mood without mirroring it, without wallowing in it with her. Second, is comfort for the next week, month, year more important than saving your marriage? Only you can answer that. I know that I am willing to, and have made the choice to endure some additional "discomfort" in my life for the sake of my marriage. For me, since there is no longer an affair in the picture, that is the "worse" part of "for better or worse". Like my W, I may have broken my vows in the past (namely the "will honor and cherish" part) but no more, and this one about things not always being "comfortable" or "better" is one that I truly understand now and accept.
Quote: i will give it time, but its not what i expected. its more of the same before she left, and i told myself i would not live with a woman that was like that ever again, and here i stand living the way i dont want to live. but i will wait and she if this is temperary, but if this is long term, i will be the WAS.
Man, that is 100% your choice. The only thing I will say is be careful when you say "i would not live with a woman that was like that ever again" as if you are the man of her dreams right now and she's f-ing it up for herself. It's a two-way street and continuing to blame her for her emotions and moods as if she has everything in the world to be happy about is not really going to get you closer to living with a woman who is truly happy and feels safe to be "herself", even if that self has a down week or two.
In the end shippd, you DO have to feel comfortable and good in your life/house/with your W...and so does SHE. Don't discount that, or even think you know what that means yet. Just because she cheated does NOT mean she gave up her right to feel the way she does.
Please, DO give this time, keep working on YOU and try to detach from this mood she's in. If you are truly a different man, and have made the changes for good that allowed her to feel safe coming home, then I think she will get past this and open up to you, finally giving you more keys to HER needs so you can get YOUR needs filled.
It's a hard process but I think you are further along that you think.
