Quote: i deep down really want this to work, i have stuck it out for a long time now.
I thought so. So now start ACTING like it. You can do this!
Quote: i know it would devastate the kids, i know all the damage it will cause, that is why i am still trying, working on our marriage, and yes maybe i havent been the best dber, i havent really done the right things all the time, only some times.and i guess what ever damage i done last night i have to live with, (which was probally unrepairabul) i will wait and see how today goes.
Well, if I may argue semantics for a moment, I don't think those should be the reasons why you stay in the marriage, but I think it is perfectly ok to use all those reasons to get you past the tough times but in the end, you should stay married because you love each other and want to, are able to express that daily. It takes hard work to get from where you are today to there, but it can be done. Most of all, you have to want to do it, and like I said, I sense you DO want to do it but you're just so damn tired of what your life has become. I get that, I really do, but you know what? Unfortunatly, not much you do other than start to learn to make your OWN happiness is going to change that.
Reconciliation or divorce, both will have their share of ups and DEEP downs so you have to accept that your life will not be the easiest thing in the world for awhile and learn to cope with that from within, not looking outward. If you are seeing a C (I think you are, right?) keep going and lean on them. Use them as a resource to promote your personal growth. Find out how to polish this turd until it becomes if not a diamond, a mighty fine cubic zirconia!
The damage you did is not irrepairable, nor the end of the world. OT used to slap me around a lot because I would think that every little slip up on my part spelled the end of the world as I knew it. There are two things wrong with that. First, you are giving yourself too much credit/power in the sitch, and second, if that kind of thing could end the sitch for real, then there wasn't much there to begin with. You and I know there IS more there.
Like I have been saying all day, this thing, and by that, I mean YOUR happiness and commitment to the process is all up to you. The more you rely and focus on what your W is or is not bringing to the table, the more you lose sight of what the REAL focus should be right now, and that is YOU.
