deejay, thanks for the advice, i have read your post and i know its not going to be easy but man im up for the challange. w told me last night that she IS MOVING HOME THIS WEEKEND. GREAT NEWS!!! the way i look at it is she has now chosen me and not the om, so hopefully if i keep reminding myself that i will be fine. i know for a fact that with my sitch, there were a couple of things i did to help bring her home. 1)i got books on relationships, bding the best. 2)i changed for myself and she noticed. 3)i showed her i still loved her even after finding out about A. 4)i talked her into ML and showed her that it was ok, i could still do that (which she did not think i could ever do again) i took every oppertunity i had (when she gave them to me) to do the little things that make all the differnece. it has been a long and rocky road, and for everyone in here, if you truly love you s, please have faith, pray, get a life for yourself, and forgive your s, its the main key, forgivness. GH i want to personally thank you for all your advice, you helped me out alot. i know you are having some rough times right now, just hang in there, you will be fine.
MY WIFE IS MOVING HOME TONIGHT AND IM SCARED TO DEATH. im very excited about her comming home, i know i will be a better husband, but i am some what wondering if she will be a better wife. dont get me wrong im very happy, but im also scared as hell also. is this normal to be excited and scared at the same time. for the first time in six months my w told me she loved me last night when i left her place, and told me she is excited about comming home. for what ever reason i have had an upset stomach, just like i did for months after finding out about her A. i hope we will live happyly ever after, but man im scared.
That's GREAT MAN!!!! I am SO happy for you. Just remember, DBing does NOT stop now, it really STARTS! You have to keep validating, GALing, in short, keep BEING that man you've tried so hard to be. You got her to notice, then when she did, she noticed the changes. Don't make her regret her decision.
Also, it's not only up to you anymore. I think it's REALLY hard for us DBers to make that transition from never R talking to open, honest discussions of our feelings and desires with our spouses, but I think that's where you're at right now. You can't keep holding things in. She is your partner and you will need to treat her as such. Also, make sure you have lost the controlling thing for good. There WILL be things that stir your memories. There WILL be triggers, i.e. she comes home late from xyz without calling, etc. You need to be able to express yourself in those cases without anger, but with clarity. "W, I was a bit upset at you not calling. I thought you said you would. It just reminds me of when things were not so good and I don't like that. I totally understand that things happen, just try to call next time."
THAT IS if it really bothers you. That's my other advice, please try to not let things get to you. Try not to sweat the small stuff, and realize that things in your head don't count as "large" things. If there is something REAL that you are upset about, not just a possible scenario you've concocted in your head, then address it directly and honestly. My W has told me over and over agian to do that and I still have trouble with it. Practice it.
I think this could be GREAT for you. Just make sure you keep living YOUR life and give her something to look at that is not part of "us". Give her other things to admire about you. Show her your passion for life, and I think she'll stay right where she is.
Lastly, please be happy. As mama said, a woman never leaves a happy man.
Good luck!
GH
P.S. You're VERY welcome. I am really glad I could help and will be ready and willing to anytime you need it man.
i am in the shi* basket again. the first three days w was really good. had a great weekend, worked in the yard put wifes things away, even bought the kids a pool. then comes monday, (when she goes back to work) w comes home and is depressed and distant. i didnt say anything about it, just let her be in her mood. tuesday, same thing, i tried to hold back but i couldnt. asked her what was wrong, she didnt want to say, but i keep asking, and she finally said she regrets comming home, that she dosent think we click anymore, that were not good for each other. i asked her where this is comming from. she says she dont know. that she wants it to work out but dosent see how it can. she feels i have changed and she has gone down hill. she is not happy about anything. she says i have put her up on a pedistal and she just cant live up to my expetations. she says she has hurt me really bad and now dont know how to forgive herself. she says i have really tried and have done everything to save our marriage, and she has done nothing. i asked her why she wont, all she will say is she is scard. i am so confused and i am ready to give up. if she moves out for her to have more time to (figure things out) i will be done. i will not put up with this anymore. we either BOTH work at this marriage or it over. i told her that. WHY THE HELL DID SHE MOVE HOME?
The things your W is feeling are perfectly normal. Most WAS feel that way when they first test the marital waters again.
As for all these extreme things she's saying, have you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? If not, I would suggest you do that ASAP, but in the meantime, I will pass this along from the book (paraphrased of course)...
The book says that often women will vent their emotions and feelings just to get them out, saying things like "you never take the trash out" and men will frequently feel the need to defend themselves or fix the problem, "Hey, that's not true, I took the trash out 3 days ago, but here, let me do it now." What we as men fail to realize (and I know this was me, big time) is that what they are saying is a temporary expression of frustration, blowing off steam if you will. Our response is what escalates it into something more. If we just validate them, DO NOT DEFEND OURSELVES, and allow them the safe release of that tension, they will move on from it and be "better" much sooner.
I KNOW this works because I used to be the world's worst "fixer". Everything my W said in the form of complaint was something to either react to, or fix. I used to get REALLY defensive, and that was just about things like taking out the trash. You can imagine how bad I was when the subject was our "terrible marriage". What I have learned to do (somewhat...work in progress) is to validate first and then allow for some time for her to get past it. Sure, there ARE things that need "fixing" but FAR less than we'd think.
Quote: i didnt say anything about it, just let her be in her mood. tuesday, same thing, i tried to hold back but i couldnt. asked her what was wrong, she didnt want to say, but i keep asking, and she finally said she regrets comming home, that she dosent think we click anymore, that were not good for each other.
Ok, so in this case, if you had let her be, or just said she COULD talk to you if she wanted to, then maybe, just maybe tomorrow she would have felt differently. Not that her saying what she feels out loud is a bad thing, but how you reacted likely was. It didn't make her feel any safer about expressing herself in the future, something she obviously feels afraid of already since she didn't want to tell you what was wrong.
I know open communication is good for the most part, but forcing the communication is not necessarily the best move right now, I think.
Again, her feelings of "not clicking anymore" are all based on what she feels today, and I would take it a step further, based on the dynamic between you that YOU have largely been the only one working on. Keep working on it. Now is the time you need to be stronger, more detached than ever.
Quote: i asked her where this is comming from. she says she dont know. that she wants it to work out but dosent see how it can. she feels i have changed and she has gone down hill. she is not happy about anything. she says i have put her up on a pedistal and she just cant live up to my expetations. she says she has hurt me really bad and now dont know how to forgive herself. she says i have really tried and have done everything to save our marriage, and she has done nothing.
Again, ALL STANDARD WAS stuff when the come home. Of course she feels like she's done nothing, she hasn't. Of course she sees your changes and it reflects back to her the insecurities she feels.
As for the pedestal, please, let her step down from there, and by that, I mean make SURE you are GALing and still continuing your own life. If she feels like you are once again dependant on her for happiness, it will make her own sadness worse. Take FULL responsibility for yourself and express love but NOT dependence on her.
As for your expectations, you should have NONE. If you do have any, GET RID OF THEM AND TELL HER SO! The only expectation you should have is that you continue your own growth and emotional healing. Her contribution in this should come from her own desire to reconnect and not because of anything you expect from her.
And, finally, she isn't a psychic any more than you are and so her not knowing if it will work is just fine. She doesn't HAVE to know it will work. The first step to anything moving forward is her forgiving herself, something that you can encourage mostly by loving her and forgiving her in YOUR heart. By loving her, I don't mean smothering her, I mean respecting her feelings, validating her, even in the bad times, and showing her that while you are 100% committed to YOUR happiness, you are also there for her when she needs you, as a partner, friend and hopefully, lover.
Quote: i asked her why she wont, all she will say is she is scard.
She says she's scared, a perfectly normal thing to be when she's taking the second biggest emotional risk (the first being the affair) of her life in coming home to you, someone who she feels has every right to be angry, distant, and LEAVE HER at the drop of a hat. She says that and you say...
Quote: i am so confused and i am ready to give up.
So, if your reaction is to be scared and "ready to give up" she's right to be scared because it's clear that YOUR emotions and decisions rest heavily on what SHE says and does and not within your own head and heart. I think she needs to feel like you are a rock right now, steady in your commitment to yourself AND to reconciling the marriage, in that order. If you get scared and confused (BTW, I am not saying you are wrong to feel that way, just that you need to examine it) every time her mood changes, or she honestly expresses how she feels, then how is she supposed to stop feeling scared and confused herself? (not that her reliance on you is any better than yours on her).
Quote: if she moves out for her to have more time to (figure things out) i will be done.
That's your choice, your boundary, but realize that from where I sit, it's not like you're giving her much choice in terms of working things out while staying there. It seems like if she's not the perfect, happy W that you EXPECT her to be upon return to the home, then she's screwed. If she expresses anything about her feelings that are negative, you want to give up. What is SHE supposed to do? If she leaves, you quit. If she stays and is sometimes unsure of herself or sad for whatever reason, you quit. Kinda a bad situation, right?
Quote: i will not put up with this anymore. we either BOTH work at this marriage or it over. i told her that. WHY THE HELL DID SHE MOVE HOME?
No, you didn't tell her that. You told her that either she get with the program, stop being confused and sad, or else the marriage is over. Either she starts being what you expect, having the feelings YOU want her to have, or it's over. How else do you think she's going to take it?
She had 3 days of good and then TWO FREAKING DAYS OF "MOOD" and you make an ultimatum like this? If that's all it takes for you to give up, then you really have to reexamine what you're doing because I assure you there will be MANY more days, weeks and months where she feels less than perfectly happy to be back.
Oh, and she moved back because she THOUGHT things would be different this time, that you would not try to control her, that you had finally "gotten it" and made your own life, something she could be a part of. She moved home because she wanted to make things work out between you two but probably doesn't have a clue what that means or entails. She moved home because she thought you loved her enough to detach from her sure-to-come moods and allow her the time to forgive herself and re-learn what it means to be a wife in a committed relationship.
She moved home because she thinks she loves you but isn't sure you REALLY love her back, not after all this...is she right?
thanks for the comments gh, i do agree with you on some things you say. the one thing i have a hard time with is she is fine on the weekends, but almost everytime she returns to work on monday, she is completely different person. and yes i do EXPECT her to work on our marriage. it takes two to end a marriage and it also takes two to stay and save a marriage. right now its only one (me) that is totally committed to stay and save the marriage. i just dont get it, and i probally never will, (which will probally be the biggest blow to our marriage) you know i have forgiven her for her mistakes in this marriage, but she has not and WILL not forgive me for my mistakes. THAT WILL BE THE END OF OUR MARRIAGE. if she cannot forgive me for what i have done regarding our sitch. she would tell me before her A and leaving that i was always negitive and in a bad mood all the time, that i needed to snap out of it. well after all this, i have and i am always (for the most part) in a fun loving good mood, never negitive. but now she is the one negitive and in bad moods. i am expected to wait for her to come around, she couldnt wait for me she ran into the arms of another man. i can not continue on this current pace. weekends good, week days bad. cant do it man i can not do it.
Again, that's all up to you. If you are really saying you can't do it, meaning you REALLY can't do it, then fine. If what you are saying is that you are REALLY sick of waiting for her and wish she'd just snap out of it, realizing what she has in you and your marriage and if she won't do that today, well, then that really SUCKS, then you have more work to do.
If you haven't figured it out yet, WE ALL ARE THE ONLY ONES WORKING ON OUR MARRIAGES around here. Does it suck, HELL YES IT SUCKS, but in the end, my personal philosophy is that I can either do this work with my W in my life, or without her. I value enough in "our" life to want to try to do it WITH her in it because failure to make it work will result in the "other" outcome anyway, so why not try?
If you truly feel like you don't want this anymore, then walk away. I happen to think you are more frustrated and angry than resolved and committed to ending things, and in that respect, you're not alone.
It has taken MANY people here getting to the point you're at, finally giving up, before REAL progress is made because that's the only way they can understand what detaching really means. Unfortunatly, they learn detachment right after they break things off with WAS "for good" and thus add another layer to their mess.
All I am trying to say is that if you want to walk away, just make sure that what you will be getting out of it is something you could not get before you walked away, realizing that getting a D will NOT end your relationship with her, or your feelings about what happened.
i deep down really want this to work, i have stuck it out for a long time now. and yes i am getting to the point of (wanting to give up), i know i would still have issues with her i we got a D. i know it would devastate the kids, i know all the damage it will cause, that is why i am still trying, working on our marriage, and yes maybe i havent been the best dber, i havent really done the right things all the time, only some times.and i guess what ever damage i done last night i have to live with, (which was probally unrepairabul) i will wait and see how today goes.
Quote: i deep down really want this to work, i have stuck it out for a long time now.
I thought so. So now start ACTING like it. You can do this!
Quote: i know it would devastate the kids, i know all the damage it will cause, that is why i am still trying, working on our marriage, and yes maybe i havent been the best dber, i havent really done the right things all the time, only some times.and i guess what ever damage i done last night i have to live with, (which was probally unrepairabul) i will wait and see how today goes.
Well, if I may argue semantics for a moment, I don't think those should be the reasons why you stay in the marriage, but I think it is perfectly ok to use all those reasons to get you past the tough times but in the end, you should stay married because you love each other and want to, are able to express that daily. It takes hard work to get from where you are today to there, but it can be done. Most of all, you have to want to do it, and like I said, I sense you DO want to do it but you're just so damn tired of what your life has become. I get that, I really do, but you know what? Unfortunatly, not much you do other than start to learn to make your OWN happiness is going to change that.
Reconciliation or divorce, both will have their share of ups and DEEP downs so you have to accept that your life will not be the easiest thing in the world for awhile and learn to cope with that from within, not looking outward. If you are seeing a C (I think you are, right?) keep going and lean on them. Use them as a resource to promote your personal growth. Find out how to polish this turd until it becomes if not a diamond, a mighty fine cubic zirconia!
The damage you did is not irrepairable, nor the end of the world. OT used to slap me around a lot because I would think that every little slip up on my part spelled the end of the world as I knew it. There are two things wrong with that. First, you are giving yourself too much credit/power in the sitch, and second, if that kind of thing could end the sitch for real, then there wasn't much there to begin with. You and I know there IS more there.
Like I have been saying all day, this thing, and by that, I mean YOUR happiness and commitment to the process is all up to you. The more you rely and focus on what your W is or is not bringing to the table, the more you lose sight of what the REAL focus should be right now, and that is YOU.
well i guess i didnt mess up too bad last night. w is emailing me, telling me she is sorry for my fishing trip being canceled, and that since that happened, that she is calling and getting some landscaping material for us to finish up the yard this weekend. she has not said anything about our talk last night. i guess that is a good thing, i dont know though. she is glad i got the pool done so we can swim in it tonight. i sure wish the aliens would give me my wife back, and take this one back with them.
