The things your W is feeling are perfectly normal. Most WAS feel that way when they first test the marital waters again.
As for all these extreme things she's saying, have you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? If not, I would suggest you do that ASAP, but in the meantime, I will pass this along from the book (paraphrased of course)...
The book says that often women will vent their emotions and feelings just to get them out, saying things like "you never take the trash out" and men will frequently feel the need to defend themselves or fix the problem, "Hey, that's not true, I took the trash out 3 days ago, but here, let me do it now." What we as men fail to realize (and I know this was me, big time) is that what they are saying is a temporary expression of frustration, blowing off steam if you will. Our response is what escalates it into something more. If we just validate them, DO NOT DEFEND OURSELVES, and allow them the safe release of that tension, they will move on from it and be "better" much sooner.
I KNOW this works because I used to be the world's worst "fixer". Everything my W said in the form of complaint was something to either react to, or fix. I used to get REALLY defensive, and that was just about things like taking out the trash. You can imagine how bad I was when the subject was our "terrible marriage". What I have learned to do (somewhat...work in progress) is to validate first and then allow for some time for her to get past it. Sure, there ARE things that need "fixing" but FAR less than we'd think.
Quote: i didnt say anything about it, just let her be in her mood. tuesday, same thing, i tried to hold back but i couldnt. asked her what was wrong, she didnt want to say, but i keep asking, and she finally said she regrets comming home, that she dosent think we click anymore, that were not good for each other.
Ok, so in this case, if you had let her be, or just said she COULD talk to you if she wanted to, then maybe, just maybe tomorrow she would have felt differently. Not that her saying what she feels out loud is a bad thing, but how you reacted likely was. It didn't make her feel any safer about expressing herself in the future, something she obviously feels afraid of already since she didn't want to tell you what was wrong.
I know open communication is good for the most part, but forcing the communication is not necessarily the best move right now, I think.
Again, her feelings of "not clicking anymore" are all based on what she feels today, and I would take it a step further, based on the dynamic between you that YOU have largely been the only one working on. Keep working on it. Now is the time you need to be stronger, more detached than ever.
Quote: i asked her where this is comming from. she says she dont know. that she wants it to work out but dosent see how it can. she feels i have changed and she has gone down hill. she is not happy about anything. she says i have put her up on a pedistal and she just cant live up to my expetations. she says she has hurt me really bad and now dont know how to forgive herself. she says i have really tried and have done everything to save our marriage, and she has done nothing.
Again, ALL STANDARD WAS stuff when the come home. Of course she feels like she's done nothing, she hasn't. Of course she sees your changes and it reflects back to her the insecurities she feels.
As for the pedestal, please, let her step down from there, and by that, I mean make SURE you are GALing and still continuing your own life. If she feels like you are once again dependant on her for happiness, it will make her own sadness worse. Take FULL responsibility for yourself and express love but NOT dependence on her.
As for your expectations, you should have NONE. If you do have any, GET RID OF THEM AND TELL HER SO! The only expectation you should have is that you continue your own growth and emotional healing. Her contribution in this should come from her own desire to reconnect and not because of anything you expect from her.
And, finally, she isn't a psychic any more than you are and so her not knowing if it will work is just fine. She doesn't HAVE to know it will work. The first step to anything moving forward is her forgiving herself, something that you can encourage mostly by loving her and forgiving her in YOUR heart. By loving her, I don't mean smothering her, I mean respecting her feelings, validating her, even in the bad times, and showing her that while you are 100% committed to YOUR happiness, you are also there for her when she needs you, as a partner, friend and hopefully, lover.
Quote: i asked her why she wont, all she will say is she is scard.
She says she's scared, a perfectly normal thing to be when she's taking the second biggest emotional risk (the first being the affair) of her life in coming home to you, someone who she feels has every right to be angry, distant, and LEAVE HER at the drop of a hat. She says that and you say...
Quote: i am so confused and i am ready to give up.
So, if your reaction is to be scared and "ready to give up" she's right to be scared because it's clear that YOUR emotions and decisions rest heavily on what SHE says and does and not within your own head and heart. I think she needs to feel like you are a rock right now, steady in your commitment to yourself AND to reconciling the marriage, in that order. If you get scared and confused (BTW, I am not saying you are wrong to feel that way, just that you need to examine it) every time her mood changes, or she honestly expresses how she feels, then how is she supposed to stop feeling scared and confused herself? (not that her reliance on you is any better than yours on her).
Quote: if she moves out for her to have more time to (figure things out) i will be done.
That's your choice, your boundary, but realize that from where I sit, it's not like you're giving her much choice in terms of working things out while staying there. It seems like if she's not the perfect, happy W that you EXPECT her to be upon return to the home, then she's screwed. If she expresses anything about her feelings that are negative, you want to give up. What is SHE supposed to do? If she leaves, you quit. If she stays and is sometimes unsure of herself or sad for whatever reason, you quit. Kinda a bad situation, right?
Quote: i will not put up with this anymore. we either BOTH work at this marriage or it over. i told her that. WHY THE HELL DID SHE MOVE HOME?
No, you didn't tell her that. You told her that either she get with the program, stop being confused and sad, or else the marriage is over. Either she starts being what you expect, having the feelings YOU want her to have, or it's over. How else do you think she's going to take it?
She had 3 days of good and then TWO FREAKING DAYS OF "MOOD" and you make an ultimatum like this? If that's all it takes for you to give up, then you really have to reexamine what you're doing because I assure you there will be MANY more days, weeks and months where she feels less than perfectly happy to be back.
Oh, and she moved back because she THOUGHT things would be different this time, that you would not try to control her, that you had finally "gotten it" and made your own life, something she could be a part of. She moved home because she wanted to make things work out between you two but probably doesn't have a clue what that means or entails. She moved home because she thought you loved her enough to detach from her sure-to-come moods and allow her the time to forgive herself and re-learn what it means to be a wife in a committed relationship.
She moved home because she thinks she loves you but isn't sure you REALLY love her back, not after all this...is she right?
