Ok, the woman IS noticing you more now. She IS noticing your changes and she MLed with you twice in two days (or was that one?). This is what we call PROGRESS. The problem is that you have an idea in your head about how this SHOULD play out, you know, how she will come running back to you today, bags in hand, car full of boxes. It ain't gonna happen like that, or for that matter, any other way you have in your head.
One of my WORST problems before all this, and even now, is that I was a controlling person but my way of controlling was to predetermine how I thought a situation should go and then manipulating it to come true. If it DIDN'T come true, well, I was a mess. I would pout, do any number of passive/agressive things to show my displeasure. It got to the point where my W and I just could not do certain things like go out with friends, because rather than just open my mouth and say I wanted to leave, or ask her to hang out with me for a little bit, I would just start acting like an a-hole and ruin our entire evening.
My point is that you seem to have expectations that are causing you MUCH pain and suffering. What I said earlier stands, you need to learn to accept what is and move on.
Quote: man gh, i know i need to continue to db, and keep doing what im doing, but i really would like for her to come home, (like all of us in here) i just hope she does it sooner than later.
Of course you do, but I suspect after the MLing and such, you are beyond wishing she would come home, to expecting it. Please don't make that mistake.
Quote: yes the last two days were great, but im affraid that might change after she goes to work.
That is a controllers way of thinking. "If she leaves me to go into this environment I can't control, she will leave me to be with someone better/different/available because when she's away from me, she doesn't remember me."
Yes, she may very well change her mind, and then back again the same day. Or maybe she won't. The point is that you are doing everything you can do to make her see that YOU are different now and so too will your marriage. There is nothing more you can do. Pressuring her won't work. She needs to see you as a confident, happy man who is 100% committed to saving his marriage through admitting HIS faults, recognizing the issues in the marriage and moving forward. Coming off as a needy person who can't live without her is NOT going to help things, trust me, I know. I do it all the time and if I let it go on too long, W notices and I have to start all over.
What you have to realize is that she is going to do what she WANTS to do and the best thing you can do is to do what YOU want to do, i.e. learn, grow and better yourself in hopes that you at least fix yourself in preparation for "Round 2" no matter what she does.
Quote: she told me yesturday that she wouldnt mind staying married and living seperatly. man i cant do that. i dont know how to tell her that. have any ideas?
"I know you feel that would be best but I don't know if that would work long-term for me. I want our family to be in-tact, living together but I understand there are things preventing that and so I am willing to give it time, and give you the space to figure out what you want."
I don't know if that's the best way to say it, but I do think that the way to go about this is to validate her position first and foremost, i.e. the part about you understanding that SHE thinks this would be best. I would even say that leaving it at that would be good because she already knows what you want, trust me. Saying it again would just be the 100th time she's heard you say it and it may make her feel like you aren't listening to her.
Quote: this is the hardest thing anyone should ever go thru. i havent spent the whole night with her in four months, maybe soon though.
Yes, it is but sooner or later you will discover that it is an essential thing to go through to become a better man. Like I said, this IS very hard but one thing you need to learn about communicating with her is that idea of validating her feelings. If she says she feels like being married and living separate, validate that and then disagree with her. The point is to NOT say "But honey, I want us to be together forever, living HERE! I don't want to be separated!"
I think you are making progress and will continue to do so as you learn more about communication and DB. Please keep the faith and realize that YOU have the power in YOUR life, to choose to do this hard thing, or not. Make that choice and then live it!
your right gh, i have fallen to the (shes showing me attention) bug and forgetting all about my self improvements. thanks for reminding me!! i will go back to work and take what she give and leave it at that. (well try anyway) im only human and of course i want more, i think we all do. but i also know im getting all i can right now. just wish it was more (gretty you know), but thanks for putting me back on track. just trying to deal with her emotions, (hard for me to understand) but trying to deal with it.
Quote: just trying to deal with her emotions, (hard for me to understand) but trying to deal with it.
No, don't "deal" with her emotions, detach from them. Acknowledge them if you must but understand that HER emotions are NOT your emotions. It SHOULD be possible for her to be upset, angry, sad, happy, without you mirroring her. Try to make sure that you maintain YOUR emotional keel through your interactions with her. If she is down, don't be sucked down with her. Love her, be kind, but don't join her in her misery.
well another night, another day. thats all i keep telling myself. today im going to start galing more. im going to do things for me again. as i thought she went back to work and became distant again, it happens all the time, to the point of expecting it. she is so messed up that i cannot handle it anymore, its now her problem not mine. if she wants me she can come have me. but this up and down roller coaster is wearing me out. she had d8 yesturday after work, but called me and wanted to know if she could bring her back home because she was tired and needed to get some rest. why does it always have to be about them right now, what about us LBS. of course i love me d8 so i said sure bring her home, and get your rest, if that is what she was going to do. you know im getting to the point of WTF, you want me and you dont, its really starting to tick me off. but im not going to let her mess with my emotions anymore. i am done helping her with her issues there hers not mine. i am told all the time (she is too) that im a great father and husband and i should not have a women doing the things that she is doing to me. i have women flurt with me all the time, there is a billion people on this planet and i am going nuts over one!!! WHY?
heres my update. tuesday night, w had d8 with her for the evening, called in the eveing and ask what me and s14 were doing, i told her we were getting ready to go for a walk. she asked if she could come along, which i let her. we had a really good walk, at one point we were discussing about selling the house and building a new one this winter. wednesday night, w called after work and wanted to know what i was doing tonight and i told her i needed to goto the store, she asked i she could come along, i said sure. had a good time, went out to one of her favorite resturants. when i took her home she started a r talk. she told me that she just wasnt getting much space and she really needed that right now. now remember she has asked for all the time that we are spending together. i told her that. she told me that she has been spending time with me because she didnt want me to get upset. (which really upset me) i then asked her if the last week was all fake. she said no, she likes spending time with me, but also needs her space. i dont know what else i can do anymore, i tried to detach and she comes around i thought because she wanted to see me. what else am i suppose to do. she also told me that the massages i have been giving her were nice she liked them but she thinks that i have been giving her to many lately. do they normally flip flop like this, or do i have a strange w?
Quote: she told me that she just wasnt getting much space and she really needed that right now. now remember she has asked for all the time that we are spending together. i told her that. she told me that she has been spending time with me because she didnt want me to get upset. (which really upset me)
So, does that make her right? It seems to me it does since you DID get upset for her telling you the truth. I hope you managed to explain to her that you were simply granting her the time she requested but that if she wants to spend more time away, that was fine too.
Quote: i then asked her if the last week was all fake. she said no, she likes spending time with me, but also needs her space.
It feels to me like she likes the idea of pursuing YOU and no matter whetehr it has been her initiating or you, she has begun to feel the pressure from you. She seems to need to feel like SHE's the one missing you, not the other way around. Just a hunch.
Quote: i dont know what else i can do anymore, i tried to detach and she comes around i thought because she wanted to see me. what else am i suppose to do.
Detach DOES NOT MEAN DISTANCE. You can detach AND see her. Actually, that's when you need to detach the most. Detaching mearly means not reacting to her emotions/words/moods as if they had true power over you.
As for what you are supposed to do, well, GAL, detach more and maybe one of those times she calls you to join in your reindeer games, you don't answer the phone and take that walk with d14 or go to the store by yourself. She may be telling you what to do, and usually I don't advocate just doing what the WAS says, but what she's telling you goes right along with what you know to do anyway.
Give her the space she wants. Cut down on the massages, cut down somewhat on the attention you pay her and just try to do your own thing more. She seems to want that and more importantly, you need to DO that.
gh your right, and when i said i ticked me off from what she was saying, that was inside, i did not show her that. i know for a fact that she wants this to work, she told me that last night, she just thinks about it too much and confuses herself. she has emailed me three times this morning already, i do validate her reasons, i just get confused with her wishy washy attitude, but i dont show her my confusion. i did ask her if this was all fake, she said no it wasnt, but i had to know that for myself, and she told me it wasnt so i will continue my persuit for happyness with her.
hi everyone, been a few days since i posted last, heres my update. w took me out friday and we had a great time. she even asked me to stay the night with her at her place. saturday was nice we spent the whole day together and she stayed the night with me. sunday we had another great day together with the kids. monday while taking a walk together, she brought up the r talk. we talked about our fears and what we wanted in our marriage. she told me that sh wanted to come home, but her fears are keeping her from doing that at this time. all in all our r is going soo much better now then even a month ago. i can now say that i believe we are going to make it through the hell that has been the last 6 months. i told her that from time to time i would need reasurence from her that im the only man she wants. she told me she will give me that and was sorry for every thing that has happened. we have been thru alot, it started about her wanting a divorce, to she dont love me to shes not attractive to me, all the things we hear from WAS. now she is loving and caring and truly seems to want me again, if it werent for dbing and getting a life for myself i dont think we would be together now. she has not moved home yet, so i dont know when i would consider our r in the piecing process, but hopefully soon. i want to think everyone in here that has given me great advice and hope you will still listen and give advice when i need it.
Great news man, I too went through 6 months of much of the same and am now back home.I am almost scared to tell you to read my posts because i am doing a horrible job with containing my emotions sometimes,but i did want to reply to you to so you can be aware of some of the things you may wonder or think about. The best advice i can give you is remember where you were and what you wanted while you were apart,and what you would have done to get back. DeeJay
