Ok, the woman IS noticing you more now. She IS noticing your changes and she MLed with you twice in two days (or was that one?). This is what we call PROGRESS. The problem is that you have an idea in your head about how this SHOULD play out, you know, how she will come running back to you today, bags in hand, car full of boxes. It ain't gonna happen like that, or for that matter, any other way you have in your head.
One of my WORST problems before all this, and even now, is that I was a controlling person but my way of controlling was to predetermine how I thought a situation should go and then manipulating it to come true. If it DIDN'T come true, well, I was a mess. I would pout, do any number of passive/agressive things to show my displeasure. It got to the point where my W and I just could not do certain things like go out with friends, because rather than just open my mouth and say I wanted to leave, or ask her to hang out with me for a little bit, I would just start acting like an a-hole and ruin our entire evening.
My point is that you seem to have expectations that are causing you MUCH pain and suffering. What I said earlier stands, you need to learn to accept what is and move on.
Quote: man gh, i know i need to continue to db, and keep doing what im doing, but i really would like for her to come home, (like all of us in here) i just hope she does it sooner than later.
Of course you do, but I suspect after the MLing and such, you are beyond wishing she would come home, to expecting it. Please don't make that mistake.
Quote: yes the last two days were great, but im affraid that might change after she goes to work.
That is a controllers way of thinking. "If she leaves me to go into this environment I can't control, she will leave me to be with someone better/different/available because when she's away from me, she doesn't remember me."
Yes, she may very well change her mind, and then back again the same day. Or maybe she won't. The point is that you are doing everything you can do to make her see that YOU are different now and so too will your marriage. There is nothing more you can do. Pressuring her won't work. She needs to see you as a confident, happy man who is 100% committed to saving his marriage through admitting HIS faults, recognizing the issues in the marriage and moving forward. Coming off as a needy person who can't live without her is NOT going to help things, trust me, I know. I do it all the time and if I let it go on too long, W notices and I have to start all over.
What you have to realize is that she is going to do what she WANTS to do and the best thing you can do is to do what YOU want to do, i.e. learn, grow and better yourself in hopes that you at least fix yourself in preparation for "Round 2" no matter what she does.
Quote: she told me yesturday that she wouldnt mind staying married and living seperatly. man i cant do that. i dont know how to tell her that. have any ideas?
"I know you feel that would be best but I don't know if that would work long-term for me. I want our family to be in-tact, living together but I understand there are things preventing that and so I am willing to give it time, and give you the space to figure out what you want."
I don't know if that's the best way to say it, but I do think that the way to go about this is to validate her position first and foremost, i.e. the part about you understanding that SHE thinks this would be best. I would even say that leaving it at that would be good because she already knows what you want, trust me. Saying it again would just be the 100th time she's heard you say it and it may make her feel like you aren't listening to her.
Quote: this is the hardest thing anyone should ever go thru. i havent spent the whole night with her in four months, maybe soon though.
Yes, it is but sooner or later you will discover that it is an essential thing to go through to become a better man. Like I said, this IS very hard but one thing you need to learn about communicating with her is that idea of validating her feelings. If she says she feels like being married and living separate, validate that and then disagree with her. The point is to NOT say "But honey, I want us to be together forever, living HERE! I don't want to be separated!"
I think you are making progress and will continue to do so as you learn more about communication and DB. Please keep the faith and realize that YOU have the power in YOUR life, to choose to do this hard thing, or not. Make that choice and then live it!
