you know, i have always been the popular guy, very outgoing, and confident. she has said that has built up resentment on her part because i lost that with her. but even now if we go somewhere i chat up everyone, and i can see her laugh and smile. so how do i hang out with her, and try to focus only on her with out her feeling pushed, or smothering?
Quote: you guys are right, and i have been that confident guy, thats why i think she is wanting to be around me.
Probably. Keep it up.
Quote: its still hard though, putting on that happy face knowing i want more.
Ok, well the trick is to not put on any face, but to BE happy. It's a fine line.
Quote: i try to be confident, but also its hard knowing that she is still seeing the other guy that i dont know anything about.
Yes, it is hard as hell. Oh, and my advice is that it's better to not know much about him. The more you know the more you'll obsess over the details.
Quote: i will go with her tonight, be happy and see where it leads, i just dont know if i will slipe up AGAIN!!!
It will go nowhere. Please, understand that. IF it goes anywhere, then fine, but accept right now that it may not. NO EXPECTATIONS!
If you don't want to slip up again, make it your main goal for tonight.
Quote: i have read it takes a month for every year you were married to fix this, man i cant wait that long. thats 17 months for me, is she worth it? i want to hope so, but that is a long time.
How long do you figure she's been suffering a marriage she felt was sucking the life out of her? I don't mean to say what she is doing is right but you need to understand that there is a real reason why this takes time. It takes time to discover and then un-do all the damage done over a 17 year time frame.
Whether you think it's important enough to stick it out that long is up to you. You can stop at any point, you have that power.
I'm not sure I understand. You seem to be saying that you've lost your "coolness" with her but you still have it with other's correct? Then you say she sees you talking to others in public and she's smiling, as if she likes that. Basically what she is saying, if I have it right, is that you've lost yourself, the self that she's attracted to, in your relationship, right? If so, then it seems like you (like me) need to work on going back to being THAT man even in her presence. That doesn't sound like you need to "only focus on her" as much as it means you need to "only focus on YOU".
your right and i know that. she has asked me for the old me back, even before she left. i told the that the other day, i told her to look into my eyes and tell me who she sees. if i wasnt the old self again. she says she sees parts of the old me back. i have been trying to show her the rest of the old me back. she would get all of the old me if i was confident on knowing the other guy was gone out of the picture. she knows that, i have told her that. but your right, i need to be my old self for me, i like being that guy. life just beats you down over the years and you lose sight of that, but im trying to regain it again. with other people its easy, with her its hard, why i cant explain it other then what has happened. she also knows that when i finally make up my mind about something i stick to it. right now im fixed on repairing my marriage, but in the near future i might change my mind and give up. i dont want too but i need to be happy.
Repairing your marriage and repairing yourself are one in the same, thus, you will likely not give up anytime soon on either.
Also, refrain from trying to activly "tell" her or "show" her your changes. Let her come by them on her own. It works better that way. If you are constantly showing her and telling her to "see your changes" then she begins to suspect that you are making them just to get her attention. It's better if you just make them and move forward.
again grasshopper your right, i know that, just needed someone else tell me.. i have made a commintment to myself to not ask her for anything, time, hugs, kisses, nothing. which is a 180 for me. i will take what she gives me and go with that, with no expectations. your have giving me some great advice today and much apricatated. (cant spell) i will let you know how my night goes with her, she wants to go by ourselfs with out the kids, so hopefully we will have a good time.
Quote: she wants to go by ourselfs with out the kids, so hopefully we will have a good time.
NO EXPECTATIONS!!!!! She may want to drop more bombs on you or she may want to ML, you just can't know that right now so don't think about it. JUST BE ready to "be" in the moment and handle whatever comes your way.
BTW, if she DOES instigate an R talk, listen, validate and then get the hell out. Don't prolong it.
well as i wright this i have to say that last night was a very difficult night. my wife started off the r talk. she could not understand why this was easy for me to try to fix. which was not settling for me. i told her it wasnt EASY for me, that i had alot of dout going thru my mind about her. i said some pretty hard things to her about what i was going thru, she had no idea. but the whole time i said im working on those issues. i also told her i have changed for myself to better me where ever this r goes, with or without her. i even went as far as to tell her im letting her go, so her guilt could pass. she would not let me do that. this is what she emailed me this morning: Mike, last night really made me think alot. Im meeting om tonight to totally break things off, cut the tie. im doing this for myself, so i can focus on us and our family. im not saying ill move home right now, but i want you to know that i do love you, that has never stopped. im so mixed up emotionally as you know, and talking to you last night is really hard for me, the letting things out in the open, but im going to work on that. i just wanted to let you know this first thing this morning, cause i really thought about it last night. i cant make promises that it will be easy for me but i am going to do my best. i will need my space just to sort things out as we go, and i know you understand that now, and i love you for that. im sorry for everything that has happened between us and hope we can start fresh, take things slow and see how it goes.
So thats how it went, good i hope. but time will tell.
