hi, i have been reading this site for a few weeks now. heres my sitch. my wife and i have been together for 17 years and have two children ages 14, and 8. i thought we had a great marriage. my wife up to a year ago was a stay at home mother (which i thought she wanted) which was difficult financialy but we managed. to better our finances she wanted to go to work and help with the bills. i agreed(but now wish i hadnt). around late september she started getting more distant. started tanning and buying alot of cloths for herself(i thought was for her). well them came march. she told me she needed space and time to figure out what she wanted in life. i then found out in april that she was having an affair with someone from work(which i still dont know who, she wont tell me). two weeks after i found out about the affair i convinced her to goto a marriage seminar along way from our home. with hopes the long weekend and time together we could fix our marriage. the only thing i got out of it was her commintment to start over as friends and see what happens after that. so i agreed. it was going really well, became very good friends. we ended up have sex three times over a two week period(which we both agree was the best we have ever had). then last weekend she told me she had a class she had to take out of town for her new promotion at work(i was very supportive). well that whole weekend her phone was off and i have no contact with her what so ever(which really ticked me off that she would do this again). well she came over on sunday evening and had supper and was very exusted. i gave her a back massage and while doing this i told her everything i loved about her, eyes lips face body everything. she then started crying and i asked what was wrong and she said i never told her that before. i then said that is how i always felt about her and could not explain why i never voiced it. well on tuesday i messed up again. i had lunch with her and asked for her to come home(which didnt settle very well with her). she told me everytime she starts to get the feeling to work it out i push her away again.. i then told her not this time that she pushed me because of last weekend. she did admit to spending the weekend with om. that she did not see a life with him he is just an nice guy and a good friend. which i have a hard time beliving because of all the other lies she has told. she did say that om was keeping her from focusing on our m and she knew she had to end it with him, and she would do so on thursday(which she didnt because she says he was out of town). she then said that she was going to do it on sunday(which she didnt because she was with me and the kids). i have not asked about her ending it in the last several days. i guess my question is this: 1)is she just telling me this to keep me around like a releaf picture, incase it dosent work out with om. 2)should i stop persueing her. (which i think she likes me doing). 3) she is making plans with me to do things but gets distant when were together, what should i think of this. i know this is a long thread im sorry for that i just need some serious hepl! by the way she told me that om has bought her several things for her home like several hundred dollars worth. do you think that is making her feel guilty enough to put off breaking it off with him?
Sorry you're here man. I will post some thoughts...
Quote: to better our finances she wanted to go to work and help with the bills. i agreed(but now wish i hadnt).
This suggests to me that you think one of the main reasons she had an affair was simply because she had opportunity. Whether you "agreed" to "let" her work or not, the factors that were at work in undermining your marriages were still there.
I think you need to get to work on identifying what is really wrong with your marriage. You didn't really post much at all about that other than to say you thought everything was "good" right up until the bomb fell. We ALL thought that (well, some of us anyway). It's all in how you deal with the knowing that it IS and WAS not good for HER OR YOU that makes all the difference.
Quote: started tanning and buying alot of cloths for herself(i thought was for her).
They may very well have been. I posted that my W was buying all kinds of underwear during her affair and that I was SURE it was "for him" but many women here assured me that is was not. It COULD be that your W started feeling better about herself, like a "sexy" woman again and wanted to dress/look like it. I am not saying the OM had nothing to do with it but it may be a kind of chicken/egg thing.
Quote: two weeks after i found out about the affair i convinced her to goto a marriage seminar along way from our home. with hopes the long weekend and time together we could fix our marriage. the only thing i got out of it was her commintment to start over as friends and see what happens after that.
Ok, I guess this could be considered progress but I am going to take a leap here and guess that like my R with my W, your problem is not that you and W were not friends so much as you were not "lovers" or "exciting" to each other. This idea of "being friends" and seeing where that goes may be what needs to be for right now but short order, I think she may be looking for that "spark". If all she sees is her "buddy" in you, she may not think things are going to work. Just beware of that, and continue to work on being the man you really are, which will probably be more attractive to her than you trying to be the man you THINK she wants.
Quote: i had lunch with her and asked for her to come home(which didnt settle very well with her). she told me everytime she starts to get the feeling to work it out i push her away again.. i then told her not this time that she pushed me because of last weekend.
You need to learn to validate. Yes, you screwed up and she called you on it. Next time, instead of trying to be right, or defend yourself, just say "I understand I made a mistake. Sorry, I will try not to do that again." Leave it at that. Do NOT defend yourself or try to put it on her, EVEN, and ESPECIALLY if you disagree with her. You can disagree without invalidating her point of view.
Quote: i have not asked about her ending it in the last several days.
Good. Keep that up.
Quote: 1)is she just telling me this to keep me around like a releaf picture, incase it dosent work out with om.
Who cares. Focus on you and forget about trying to figure out why she may or may not be "keeping you around". She's not keeping you anywhere, YOU'RE choosing to stay. There is a difference. Understand it.
Quote: 2)should i stop persueing her. (which i think she likes me doing).
Yes.
Quote: 3) she is making plans with me to do things but gets distant when were together, what should i think of this.
I don't know. If it makes you uncomfortable, you can either decline to accept her invitation next time or just ask her. You could also learn to accept that she may just be feeling uncomfortable, guilty, or whatever and get on with the day. In short, learn to detach from her emotions and mood. Be with her, be happy and don't let her bring you down.
thanks for the reply. im sorry for not explaining what went wrong with our relationship. i was very controling and jealous type. during our marriage seminar we figured it out(and i have made great leaps to change that). when we spend time together she is distant at first and then opens up later. that is the most difficult part. everytime i take one foot forward i end up taking two back. i know i have made big improvements on my part towards change(which has made me a better person with or without her). i guess im at the point to where i just want to give up, i dont want too but it hurts so much i just want to stop hurting(wish she could feel my pain, i know i never made her feel like this). i know for a fact if i give up she will also. so im reluctant. you know she says she enjoys my company and loves me but why then wont she honestly work towards fixing our m. all she will say is she dos not want a divorce at this time. its like she has a wall built up that she will take me to but she wont let me help her climb over it. i guess i have to climb over it and wait and she if she follows. i have spent so much time and money on understanding what went wrong and how to fix it. i just wish she would trust me and follow suit. man this hurts im so confussed on what to do it drives me crazy. i dont eat(lost 60 ilbs in last two months) sleep, every second of every day i think of her(which i know i shouldnt but i cant help not too)
Wow...you said so much that gives insight to your sitch...
Quote: I was very controling and jealous type. (and i have made great leaps to change that)
I figured as much. Me too. I just want you to make sure your changes are real and you fully accept that you cannot control her.
Quote: when we spend time together she is distant at first and then opens up later.
Good, then give her time to do this and don't try to push her. At least she's opening up.
Quote: i guess im at the point to where i just want to give up, i dont want too but it hurts so much i just want to stop hurting(wish she could feel my pain, i know i never made her feel like this). i know for a fact if i give up she will also. so im reluctant.
NO NO NO! This is your "controlling" nature again. If you are anything like me, part of your control is in trying to shape or predict the outcome of things and being VERY reluctant to take action when you cannot accurately predict what may happen, or more importantly, how someone else will react. You don't KNOW anything. If you did, you would not be here right now, and I don't mean that as a slap.
You DON'T KNOW she'll do anything. You THINK she will give up if you do. She may have said that too. My contention is this; if the only reason she is with you is because you are "not giving up" then you need to let her go. Now, I don't believe that for a second. I think you are giving yourself WAY too much credit on one hand and not enough on the other. On the one hand, you somehow think that your "trying" can "make" her stay. Again, that is controlling thinking. You also are selling yourself short. You have inherent qualities that she likes (see next section) and THAT'S why, along with maybe some guilt, etc, that she is staying.
Stop thinking that you control how this goes. You do not. You only control how YOU go and if you choose to "go away" from her, do not pretend to understand how she will react, nor should you try to predict it. Just make the decisions you feel best for YOUR life right now and let the chips fall where they may. BTW, I think giving up would NOT be the best thing for you right now.
Quote: you know she says she enjoys my company and loves me but why then wont she honestly work towards fixing our m. all she will say is she dos not want a divorce at this time. its like she has a wall built up that she will take me to but she wont let me help her climb over it.
You understand a lot, you just don't know it. She has built that wall over time and it will take time, all the while, her seeing you "changed" to tear it down. Oh, and SHE will need to tear it down, not you. You can't climb over it, you need to wait until it's taken down some and then start communicating through the gaps.
She sounds a bit like my W, who to this day has never said she wanted a D. She may not want a D right now, but she also doesn't want your M the way she perceives it. She wants more and it will be up to you to BE that more but becoming something more than you were when the M was bad. A lot of that will come as you discover what YOU really want in life beyond her and the family. Self discovery can be really good for you right now.
Quote: i have spent so much time and money on understanding what went wrong and how to fix it. i just wish she would trust me and follow suit.
STOP this thinking. YOU CANNOT just fix this. You have to live it. You have to do it for you and stop focusing on HER reaction to everything. She will NOT just trust you. Why should she? She spent years (probably) getting to this point where she trusts herself enough to do what she thinks is right for her and now you want her to just abandon that to come back into the fold with the man who she spent all that time working to get away from? How does that makes sense to her? I think it does not, and you need to understand that.
Quote: man this hurts im so confussed on what to do it drives me crazy. i dont eat(lost 60 ilbs in last two months) sleep, every second of every day i think of her(which i know i shouldnt but i cant help not too)
You may just need more time but until you can get a little bit of a handle on things, you may stay in this cycle of no progress. I CAN help not thinking about her but it feels more "right" to continue. You are, as we say, wallowing in it right now. I did it, we all do it, but eventually, you have to stop and pull yourself out of it, you really do. It's hard, but then again, this whole thing is hard so you should be used to hard by now.
How about taking a FEW, maybe even like 60 or so, seconds this day to start thinking about YOU and what YOU are going to do about YOUR life.
man, great advice, your right about it all. i have known it also but didnt want to admit it. i know and want her to honestly come back to me for her, not me. because i know it wont work again, if she comes back only for me and the kids. she did call me and wanted to have lunch today. just got back! lunch went well just had small talk. when we were done i did not try for a kiss this time, i only blew her one and she smiled and blew one back. she wants to go tonite to get a new outfit for me to goto her sisters wedding this weekend(i need new cloths because of all the weight i lost). my question is this do i go with her or do i go by myself(she has always bought my cloths inthe past, maybe a 180 would work tonight). i know she is trying to open up with me, im just the type that wants instint satifaction, which i am trying to change, but that is my nature. saleman by trade, love to close the deal, but cant on this one.
Glad to be of service. Just realize that you don't need to "sell" this one, you need to buy it. Buy into the changes and realize that even if she rejects each and every one of them, you will continue to grow and change because you've discovered that which makes YOU happy. I think she WILL notice and at least you will have made that progress.
So, yes, go to the store and buy yourself something nice to wear.
Ok, here's where it gets tricky. Yes, I think you go with her but ONLY if you can go as a confident man, ready to socialize and prove to yourself that you CAN be fun around people and you CAN enjoy yourself. IF you can not have expectations and just pledge to have fun no matter what, then yes, go. This can either be a wonderful time to show W a glimpse of the "new you" or it can be a disaster if you continue to show the sad, depressed, "old" you.
Decide which it will be and then decide if you should go.
Sometimes advice is easier given than taken. Trust me on this, we can be our worst enemy during this time frame. There is not a day that goest by that I do not want to be able to tell my W how much I want this M to work. We started as friends and we all have to start again as friends. This is very hard for myself and I have slipped several times, but GH is right on the money of what needs to be done for now. We all want an instant fix, but remember even when you begin to fix things it will still take time.
you guys are right, and i have been that confident guy, thats why i think she is wanting to be around me. its still hard though, putting on that happy face knowing i want more. i try to be confident, but also its hard knowing that she is still seeing the other guy that i dont know anything about. i will go with her tonight, be happy and see where it leads, i just dont know if i will slipe up AGAIN!!! i have read it takes a month for every year you were married to fix this, man i cant wait that long. thats 17 months for me, is she worth it? i want to hope so, but that is a long time.
