Wow...you said so much that gives insight to your sitch...
Quote: I was very controling and jealous type. (and i have made great leaps to change that)
I figured as much. Me too. I just want you to make sure your changes are real and you fully accept that you cannot control her.
Quote: when we spend time together she is distant at first and then opens up later.
Good, then give her time to do this and don't try to push her. At least she's opening up.
Quote: i guess im at the point to where i just want to give up, i dont want too but it hurts so much i just want to stop hurting(wish she could feel my pain, i know i never made her feel like this). i know for a fact if i give up she will also. so im reluctant.
NO NO NO! This is your "controlling" nature again. If you are anything like me, part of your control is in trying to shape or predict the outcome of things and being VERY reluctant to take action when you cannot accurately predict what may happen, or more importantly, how someone else will react. You don't KNOW anything. If you did, you would not be here right now, and I don't mean that as a slap.
You DON'T KNOW she'll do anything. You THINK she will give up if you do. She may have said that too. My contention is this; if the only reason she is with you is because you are "not giving up" then you need to let her go. Now, I don't believe that for a second. I think you are giving yourself WAY too much credit on one hand and not enough on the other. On the one hand, you somehow think that your "trying" can "make" her stay. Again, that is controlling thinking. You also are selling yourself short. You have inherent qualities that she likes (see next section) and THAT'S why, along with maybe some guilt, etc, that she is staying.
Stop thinking that you control how this goes. You do not. You only control how YOU go and if you choose to "go away" from her, do not pretend to understand how she will react, nor should you try to predict it. Just make the decisions you feel best for YOUR life right now and let the chips fall where they may. BTW, I think giving up would NOT be the best thing for you right now.
Quote: you know she says she enjoys my company and loves me but why then wont she honestly work towards fixing our m. all she will say is she dos not want a divorce at this time. its like she has a wall built up that she will take me to but she wont let me help her climb over it.
You understand a lot, you just don't know it. She has built that wall over time and it will take time, all the while, her seeing you "changed" to tear it down. Oh, and SHE will need to tear it down, not you. You can't climb over it, you need to wait until it's taken down some and then start communicating through the gaps.
She sounds a bit like my W, who to this day has never said she wanted a D. She may not want a D right now, but she also doesn't want your M the way she perceives it. She wants more and it will be up to you to BE that more but becoming something more than you were when the M was bad. A lot of that will come as you discover what YOU really want in life beyond her and the family. Self discovery can be really good for you right now.
Quote: i have spent so much time and money on understanding what went wrong and how to fix it. i just wish she would trust me and follow suit.
STOP this thinking. YOU CANNOT just fix this. You have to live it. You have to do it for you and stop focusing on HER reaction to everything. She will NOT just trust you. Why should she? She spent years (probably) getting to this point where she trusts herself enough to do what she thinks is right for her and now you want her to just abandon that to come back into the fold with the man who she spent all that time working to get away from? How does that makes sense to her? I think it does not, and you need to understand that.
Quote: man this hurts im so confussed on what to do it drives me crazy. i dont eat(lost 60 ilbs in last two months) sleep, every second of every day i think of her(which i know i shouldnt but i cant help not too)
You may just need more time but until you can get a little bit of a handle on things, you may stay in this cycle of no progress. I CAN help not thinking about her but it feels more "right" to continue. You are, as we say, wallowing in it right now. I did it, we all do it, but eventually, you have to stop and pull yourself out of it, you really do. It's hard, but then again, this whole thing is hard so you should be used to hard by now.
How about taking a FEW, maybe even like 60 or so, seconds this day to start thinking about YOU and what YOU are going to do about YOUR life.
