Sorry you're here man. I will post some thoughts...
Quote: to better our finances she wanted to go to work and help with the bills. i agreed(but now wish i hadnt).
This suggests to me that you think one of the main reasons she had an affair was simply because she had opportunity. Whether you "agreed" to "let" her work or not, the factors that were at work in undermining your marriages were still there.
I think you need to get to work on identifying what is really wrong with your marriage. You didn't really post much at all about that other than to say you thought everything was "good" right up until the bomb fell. We ALL thought that (well, some of us anyway). It's all in how you deal with the knowing that it IS and WAS not good for HER OR YOU that makes all the difference.
Quote: started tanning and buying alot of cloths for herself(i thought was for her).
They may very well have been. I posted that my W was buying all kinds of underwear during her affair and that I was SURE it was "for him" but many women here assured me that is was not. It COULD be that your W started feeling better about herself, like a "sexy" woman again and wanted to dress/look like it. I am not saying the OM had nothing to do with it but it may be a kind of chicken/egg thing.
Quote: two weeks after i found out about the affair i convinced her to goto a marriage seminar along way from our home. with hopes the long weekend and time together we could fix our marriage. the only thing i got out of it was her commintment to start over as friends and see what happens after that.
Ok, I guess this could be considered progress but I am going to take a leap here and guess that like my R with my W, your problem is not that you and W were not friends so much as you were not "lovers" or "exciting" to each other. This idea of "being friends" and seeing where that goes may be what needs to be for right now but short order, I think she may be looking for that "spark". If all she sees is her "buddy" in you, she may not think things are going to work. Just beware of that, and continue to work on being the man you really are, which will probably be more attractive to her than you trying to be the man you THINK she wants.
Quote: i had lunch with her and asked for her to come home(which didnt settle very well with her). she told me everytime she starts to get the feeling to work it out i push her away again.. i then told her not this time that she pushed me because of last weekend.
You need to learn to validate. Yes, you screwed up and she called you on it. Next time, instead of trying to be right, or defend yourself, just say "I understand I made a mistake. Sorry, I will try not to do that again." Leave it at that. Do NOT defend yourself or try to put it on her, EVEN, and ESPECIALLY if you disagree with her. You can disagree without invalidating her point of view.
Quote: i have not asked about her ending it in the last several days.
Good. Keep that up.
Quote: 1)is she just telling me this to keep me around like a releaf picture, incase it dosent work out with om.
Who cares. Focus on you and forget about trying to figure out why she may or may not be "keeping you around". She's not keeping you anywhere, YOU'RE choosing to stay. There is a difference. Understand it.
Quote: 2)should i stop persueing her. (which i think she likes me doing).
Yes.
Quote: 3) she is making plans with me to do things but gets distant when were together, what should i think of this.
I don't know. If it makes you uncomfortable, you can either decline to accept her invitation next time or just ask her. You could also learn to accept that she may just be feeling uncomfortable, guilty, or whatever and get on with the day. In short, learn to detach from her emotions and mood. Be with her, be happy and don't let her bring you down.
