Just when you think you've gotten the hang of it...My H broke my heart again by showing in a letter to his flirtatious friend that he is utterly uninterested in my life (it's too long to write)then the next day he fawned all over his other flirtatious friend and guess what? We are going out of town tomorrow and they are both going to be there! I made the mistake of not expecting this and got upset. On the other hand, I really don't want to live the rest of my life in this humiliation. So.................What's the solution?????
OK. First, somehow I have GOT to stop buying into this dance, so I don't get upset and can think rationally and clearly about what to do. Second, I need to find a way to calmly and firmly set some limits so I am not treated poorly and can hold myself in esteem even if my spouse doesn't. Thirdly, if there is some way to nonreactively convey the harm that is done when one's spouse is emotionally absent at important moments and gives their attention to another, I wish I could learn it. To have that message get through seems to me an important part of reconciliation that has to happen if one can ever feel comfortable after an affair. Somebody please tell me how to do this. Seems to me like if you are putting your marriage back together then emotional needs, communication, developing palpable mutual respect, all need to be tended to. Isn't that right?
I'm still hurting from that affair because the emotional dynamics of it are continuing with other women to this day!!! My H will not admit to a smidgen of this. There was a time when I'd have believed that he really had no awareness but now I think deep down he does.
Oops, back to solutions...Here is a very lofty goal: I'd like us each to realize that it is important to our individual happiness to make the other one comfortable. Again shouldn't this be part of "Piecing"? In the meantime I'm pretty darn uncomfortable so the only solution is to unhook, detach, step offada roller coaster. Also I guess the "real love" that Michele talks about comes into play. I've still got to think about his comfort and happiness and treat him well even if he's hurting me. One doesn't get to experience acting gracefully without adversity. I still have a little trouble in myself figuring out how to be sure to not drop to door mat.
One thing that perhaps I did wrong was that I told my H how much I enjoyed our previous weekend and I think it was too much for him. It is so hard because he vows and declares his love but his actions don't follow suit. This includes being extremely inconsistent about frequency of love making--right now he's back to zippo--just like during the affair. This is confusing and crazymaking. What is the solution? How do you deal with someone whose actions and words don't match? How can trust possibly be rebuilt in this situation?
Maybe you just try and find peace inside yourself and then do whatever you can to pass it on into the relationship and trust develops as a by product?
[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: alottolearn ]
