Sorry to not get back to you for a while. Hope the funk has funkied on down the road for you. The honest truth for me is that after 2 1/2 years I am amazed at how badly I can hurt at times. I don't mean that to sound discouraging but for me, it just goes with the territory. Now here is the encouraging part: what I do with those feelings makes a huge difference. I have been thinking a lot about the idea that when pain is passed back and forth it intensifies. This weekend I have (despite some serious doubts that I was doing the right thing) steadfastly refused to let my H see any of those painful feelings. The results have been impressive. Its as though deep down somewhere he knows that he’s getting a break and he is so grateful. Either that or he really likes what I did with my hair… He has been so affectionate, physically and especially verbally, that it is making me feel lots better. It is working much better than the OR talks that I think we should be having because we are rebuilding. Yesterday we did errands together and had such a great time just being together.
I am certain that I will never understand why he did what he did and I imagine certain aspects will probably always hurt like day one from time to time. For me it is like a death of a close loved one—we all have or will experience that—everyone does. I will always miss what I had, but life goes on and it is up to me and only me to make it as worthwhile as I can figure out. This weekend I managed grace and generosity, it felt very good to both of us. Hopefully I can remember how to do this more often.
I think we've found before that our H's are somewhat similar. My H does the "very calm" thing too. He talks like a robot...like Hal of 2001 fame in fact...boy does that get me! Thankfully he hasn't done it much lately!
