I think it is only through feeling the kinds of pain we have all felt here that we can learn to be as compassionate towards our partners as to not “inflict” our pain, or make their guilt heavier to carry (which surely does not help us rebuild, does it?). I see awareness in my H of what I have gone through, and he apologizes, but we do not talk much about it. I can almost see that by the time he gets to the place where he can really face it, I may be past a lot of it. Or at least at such a stage of healing that I can be detached from the events so they don’t interfere with rebuilding. (If we get there.)
Like you said ALTL, the bad thoughts still happen. Just yesterday, when I visited H at our house. H’s parents (who do not know he wants to reconcile again) have been helping him with repairs around the house to prepare to sell it, which has been infuriating me for many reasons. They had gone into my room (where my stuff is a state of half packed/half unpacked) and they re-packed and moved stuff around. I felt violated all over again because now H has been all through my personal things, and it feels like they have too. I no longer even want my stuff because of that. Anyway. He knew I was troubled, and was about to sink into a big heavy guilt mood, and I just asked if when they are done the repair, HE would put my stuff back in the room (in a way I can get at it) and not touch or let anyone but me touch it again. I made it very clear this is not negotiable, and I told him this was a way he could specifically help me heal this part of the mess. He seemed to feel better that I gave him a small thing to do to help.
Getting a solution thiinking cap on... I may make myself a list of all the things that really hurt and infuriated me this past year - and then come up with ways I can specifically "exorcise" them out of my system - some I may be ready for now, some I can repeat over again when I need to, and some I may not be ready for yet- but can work towards. And then IF H wants to, maybe I'll know better the ways he could be part of it (or not).
