I suppose when you do something that changes the dance, then you are in the lead. If you are changing things for the better then you're DBing. Even a spouse whose running away is still dancing. Even after a divorce (especially if there are kids) you're still dancing.
We had a same old dance step this am with a twist. This part of the dance is me trying to find some time for our marriage and a tiny bit of social life and my H seeing that as a threat to his work. He had OKd having my coworker and his wife over, then was angling for making this up 3 fold by working all the evenings and bringing things home for every spare moment this weekend. Still after all this time I have not got the don't let them see you cry part down. It doesn't help at all because then he's doing whatever because he feels guilty which leads to resentment sooner or later. Besides that, I deserve better. I don't want that kind of attention--that is not love in my book.
The twist was that he said he would come home this eve and I insisted that he not come home. Usually I'd have accepted him coming home and said thanks but I just couldn't do that again and feel positive about it. I'm starting to have more pride than that. I think this is a step in the right direction.
He has been working so much and some of the affair behaviors have been around--like way less sex than usual. We talked some about this Friday and he has me believeing that there is no new affair. Saddly, I think I'll never give him better than a 50% chance on that score but I've chosen to live with that.
Frankly, I'm somewhat concerned about having my coworker over because my H has a track record of being sullen when we are in a social situation that is important to me. I have been surprised most of the times he has done this (you would think I'd learn) so maybe I can be better prepared if it happens this time. I'm determined to enjoy these people, be sensitive and inclusive with my H, but not miss a beat if he starts acting sullen--that will be his problem and I will not let it affect me.
The bottom line with the work situation has to be get busier myself and let him work all he wants. I have to get over it. This guy doesn't want much of a marriage, that's just the way it is, so I better find other ways to meet my needs that make me happy but don't jepardize the marriage further. What do you think folks?
