quote:Originally posted by KentS: However, I no longer take resposibility for determining what that is. For instance. Since you brought up the sex thing. My marriage vows said that we would be faithfull to one another. I do not assume that to mean W will give me sex whenever I want it. Her Libido does not match mine. If W wants to boogie, I am happy to oblige. I used to pursue her all the time until it became an obvious problem. Now I let her be the pursuer (usually). When I was still trying to figure this issue out, I wondered if I pursued so much sex because it was what I wanted or if it was because it was what I perceived she wanted. W was the one who set the minimum quota when we married.
The difference now is that I don't worry about it any more. If W has a sexual itch that needs to be scratched, she needs to take responsibility for initiating and visa versa.
My major issue right now, is the “visa versa” part. I pursued so much that I turned W right off. Not just sexually either. Right now, if I want any kind of intimacy or closeness, I must hold myself back to a “reasonable” level. That means I don’t initiate sex. Touching is limited to a brush of the foot while we’re in bed. No public displays of affection. I asked for, and received a “date” for my birthday (June). We’ve only been out alone together 2 or 3 times since then. She just doesn’t have time for me.
W told me that we could work on our R after I got over my depression, and I haven’t brought it up since then. I know that she thinks that compromize would mean that she has to compromize her independence, and she won’t let me “do that to her again.”
quote:Originally posted by KentS: This brings me back to the point when I know W and I began the rebuilding phase. It is when she said the words "I want to try". I knew what these words meant and it was very clear what I needed to do once W said them. That does'nt make the process easy. But, at least I knew she wanted to try. Not many on this BB are in that position. Not many have heard those words and I'm not even sure how many here have spouses that know what "trying" means.
until I can convince W that trying doesn’t mean submitting, I don’t think I can do much more to express my needs.
