Last night was another one of those nights when my imagination was raging. W had tennis lessons at 6PM and she went there straight from work, I was fine with that, she had told me in advance. All of the bad feelings started after about 9PM when she hasn’t called yet. She calls each time she’s done with tennis lessons to tell me she’s on her way home or just to talk about what kind of drills and stuff they did. I tried not to entertain the bad feelings that she’s with OM by reading my books. The reading helped a bit but when I got tired and laid down the emotions started flowing again, stared at the wall for a few minutes until tears just fell on their own (not very long).
At around 11PM, W called my cell but I didn’t answer it, I was almost sure she was with OM and I didn’t want to hear what she was going to say. She left a message, they were hanging out at a bar with OM and his friends and she’s only going to have one drink (she knows I do not like her drinking and driving) and she’d be home a little after 1AM. At this point, I was numb already from the hurt and all the emotions. I started thinking of life without her and…if I could take care of S8 on my own, if I should just tell her to find a, place to stay, if I should just call it quits, if I’m going crazy. Many other thoughts came and went but I couldn’t remember all of them right now. She called me at around 1:15AM to tell me she’s on her way home.
She got home at around 1:45AM, showered, got ready for bed and laid down beside me. She knew I was awake. I broke the silence by asking her if she had fun. She told me about her tennis lessons, what she worked on and what the coach suggested for improvement. OM called her after tennis lessons and she agreed to hang out with him and friends at a bar.
I told her that I’d like to schedule to see a C next week. I told her that I’m getting more depressed each day and I don’t think it’s healthy anymore. She asked if it was her tennis that’s bothering me, I replied, “No, I’ll back you 100% on your tennis activities but your OM is not doing this R any good”. From our conversation last night, she doesn’t want to see an MC, because she’s afraid that the MC will tell her to stop communicating with OM. I told her I’d go by myself and if she feels like she’d like to join me in the future she’s more than welcome to. She asked, “What if she (the MC) tells you to tell me?” I replied “You mean to tell you to stop talking to OM?” She said “Yes”. I told her, “You know, OM knows, I know, everyone knows that for this M to work out, you need to stop talking to him, but I cannot tell you to do that, I will however request that you stop.”
I mentioned that I appreciate the attention, caring, affection and physical contact. I feel and see that I am her husband but the presence of OM makes me doubt that, makes me doubt the ‘realness’ of her affection. I asked her if she ever gets the emotional roller coaster feeling, and she said yes, that she has her “moments” too. I told her that carries it very well and that seems to be more of stronger person than I am. She also acknowledged that she knows she’s doing wrong but she still does it, that she should just “go home”. I asked her that earlier in the conversation, if when she’s going to meet up with the OM, if she ever thinks “maybe I should just go home?” She said yes, but she replied “curiosity” keeps her on doing it.
W had one relationship before that she told me about, she called her BF and another girl answered the phone. I asked her how she felt then, she replied, “hurt and betrayed”. I told her that’s how I feel; the only difference is that I feel it each time she meets/hangs out with OM. Each time she does it, it feels like she’s picking on my healing scab. She sticks a sharp object in my chest and twists it.
It was getting late and I told her that she’d better get some sleep because of scheduled activity with S8 the next day. She turned her back on me at this and I asked if she’d at least sleep by me. She said that her hair smelled of cigarette smoke and it might repulse me. I replied, “oh, that’s ok then”. Even with that reply, she moved closer to me and pressed her face against mine. She put her arm over me and fell asleep. 3:48AM
We slept in until 11:50AM, S8 had prepared breakfast for us, coffee and some noodles. W was still affectionate and talkative, about her day and events of the night. I feel married still, she wears her wedding ring religiously, but I AM SO CONFUSED.
Nothing much to post about today, still peaceful in the home front, no confrontations -- just living like a normal family, having fun, eating out, dinner, etc... but with the exception of OM far away in the background.
I'm dissapointed that my W didn't want to go to MC, that makes me feel sad, like she doesn't care to fix this M or something. I know she doesn't want to go because she thinks she knows what to do, but she just cant do it, right now only I hope -- which is to terminate contact with OM.
On the lighter side of things, I had mentioned that I will drop of my pants to the alteration place next time I go shoot pool or something. She said, "You do that, you don't know how happy that will make me if you go out and do something you used to do for fun." First time I heard her say that, in that kind of way.
That's all for now. Thank you for reading and I do read you guy's threads, I just don't think I'm that good at giving advice so please don't think I ignore your sitchs... just think of me as a background supporter, my thoughts are with you I just cannot verbalize them
Welp, I finally made the appointment, today @ 11AM. I'm a little nervous and kind of sad that I'm the only one going. My W hasn't changed though, still affectionate and intimate... sigh.
That's all for now, we'll see what the C says. Nuts or Not.
