Nothing really important, just thought I'd let of some (fill in the blank). I don't know why today seems to be a little gloomy. I had a chat with a coworker yesterday about what's going on in my R. I had told her about what we've accomplished and stuff like that but like other people, she thinks I'm outta whack because of what I'm doing, DBing that is. We got into the discussion about what she would feel if she fell into the same spell my W did. She was trying to imagine what it would take to break off of it. I could only tell her I don't know. Being on the other side of the playing field is completely foreign to me and I wouldn't even know where to start if I was the one abducted by aliens and got my mind all clouded up. This morning, I laid in bed while the W was getting ready and I just stared at the ceiling wondering what the heck I’m doing taking all this crap, then I remembered the boy sleeping in the next room.
I’m having trouble on how to approach the W that I’d like to go to MC without making it look like I’m expecting her to go with me. The C already told me she’d like to see me first, then my W, then both of us, that is if she agrees. We were going for almost a month a half before then we stopped before the july 4th weekend and our anniversary week.
I too fight that urge to call it a day. Sometimes it's hard to look at the crap you have to put up with and stick it out. But, I refuse to put my kids through the hell of D unless it is absolutely necessary. We, as parents, are the people they look up to, the people that are their security in this world. I will be damned if I will set an example that when things get tough, run out. Would I be happier? Maybe yes, maybe no. Our kids deserve a hell of alot more from us than the attitude that "my happiness is the most important thing on the face of this earth" Sorry, it ain't. You are doing the right thing, Wedge, and I've said this before but you can never go wrong by doing the right thing. Hold your head high. Keep that GAL thing going too.
Just wanted to keep this thread current. I might have to start a new one with a better fitting title... what that would be I don't know yet.
I haven't gotten the balls to tell the W that I would like to start seeing an MC, a different one. I'm kind of afraid to shake the kind of steady tree we're on right now. W still communicates with OM and it still makes me depressed more than angry when I see it. She doesn't flaunt it in my face but I know she does. The one odd thing about my sitch is that my W acts and talks like her thing with the OM is over, that he's just a friend... (50cent song in my head right now, look it up). I mean, she talks about the future, meets my manly needs, affectionate, and complimentary of what I do for the her and the family, BUT the OM is still there.
How long this will go on and how long I will be able to live with it, I don't know. W still has not said ILY directly, although there were a few times that it was express in different ways. Is she afraid to say it because she feels guilty saying it because she has not severed the R with the OM? Sometimes, I do entertain the thought of giving it up and maybe just being single father, I dunno, it's just one of those frustration thoughts I guess. It's even harder when you don't have anyone to talk to.
Sometimes I have a hard time posting on this board also because my sitch doesn't seem to compare to the others, it looks like childs play. When I have good days, I hesitate to post because it looks like I'm rubbing it in (to me anyway). I think there's more head problems in me than I can figure out on my own.
Please, post more, if only for me, lol. Seriously, if you benefit from journaling, do it.
As for where you are right now, is the OM thing just a feeling? Does she say she's still talking to him? Does she know it hurts your R and thus needs to go away sooner rather than later... or at least SOMETIME? Do you feel like she's keeping him as a safety net?
In a lot of ways, your sitch is like mine. The major difference is that you are MLing with your W, and for me, that would be the litness test to tell if my W was serious or not. So far, while I mostly trust that my W is committed to "us", without THAT component to our marriage being revitalized, I don't 100% believe it. Even after, as you say, I may not still be 100% convinced, but I would go from 65% to 95% in about 20 seconds (lol, maybe it would last 30 seconds, who knows).
GH, as always, thanks for posting. You can probably apprentice for Ms. Davis at the rate you're going LOL.
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As for where you are right now, is the OM thing just a feeling? Does she say she's still talking to him? Does she know it hurts your R and thus needs to go away sooner rather than later... or at least SOMETIME? Do you feel like she's keeping him as a safety net?
W is still talking to the OM, but as she states it, just as a friend. I know, she knows, and you know, that for this M to work, that it has to stop completely. W is fully aware that it is hurting me and I had told her one time that it felt like some of the things she's doing, she's doing on purpose to hurt me.
W also told me that OM had told her that he cannot initiate the "stopping" of contact that she has to do it because it will hurt him. Oh please! I replied, I guess it will just be up to you.
Sometimes, I do feel she is stalling talking about the R so that we don't discuss the need to stop communication. It does bother me sometimes that she seems to not feel any remorse or guilt about what's going on. I know she does but she's really good at hiding it.
One of the biggest changes in our R since this A started is my driving. It wasn't part of my 180 or my DB'ing but it just kind of merged right in. We have talked a lot of times about her "freedom", she doesn't need to be at a certain place at a certain time to drive/pickup/dropoff my son or me. Since then, she's been playing tennis, joined tennis aerobics, played drop-in tennis, and kept herself busy with physical activities (she's trying to lose weight too). As I have posted before, she had invited me to watch her practice a couple of times, and of course I only if I chauffer her to the courts (teasingly).
ML’ing is a big factor in my sitch, which is probably why I’m more confused sometimes. I feel like I’m married but sharing my W’s affection with someone even though not physically, maybe, I don’t know. I’ve stopped the snooping thing a long time ago because it does make it harder to focus when you find out something you don’t want to know.
I’m afraid to tell my W what’s on my mind when she asks me. Am I afraid to upset the comfort I have now, afraid to make her mad at me for bringing up the need to stop communicating, afraid to vocalize that this is really hurting me, afraid that I will say something that I might regret, say something that will again push her away. Last Thursday, she asked why I’m so quiet, I told her that I’m just thinking of the same things I always think about, her, our family and our future. We were supposed to leave Friday morning for a weekend out of town so I carefully mentioned that maybe we shouldn’t be discussing that kind of talk right before we leave for a short vacation, she agreed that it probably wasn’t a good idea at that time.
There… that made me feel a little better, getting that out of my system. I still need to get myself to stand up and say I NEED TO SEE A SHRINK!
First off, if you are not seeing the "shrink" then hell yes, you need to.
In response to the rest of what you said, a couple things jumped out at me. First was that you seem very motivated by fear. I think you need to work on that. You know that, but I figured I would say so anyway.
Second, one of the things my W told me she hated about my personality was my passive/aggressive nature. She was DEAD on about that. I figured this out about myself VERY early on in therapy. It's manifestation in my sitch was mainly that when I would get upset or something would bother me, I would not express it right away, I would stew on it for a long time, even days, before, usually at a completely inappropriate time, blowing up.
What my W asked me to do, and might help in your sitch, is to not do that. She asked me to just express when I was upset or didn't like something. To be assertive WHEN something bothered me, not a week later. Of course, she does the same thing but we're not talking about her.
I have tried to do this and it has made a difference. Things she would normally ger really defensive about when I would wait to talk to her she now did a much better job of being calm about. Sure, I get the occasional argument from her, but part of being direct "in the moment" is that you aren't really filtering for how SHE will feel about what you say, and that's the biggest problem with the "other" way. When you stew on something, it's usually because you're afraid of what she'll say or do because of what YOU say or do. When you release that fear, it's a lot easier to just be assertive WITHOUT being angry or aggressive. It's a fine line, but once you start to figure it out, it can make a BIG difference in your life.
Limboland is a tough place to be. If you push will she bolt? If you don't does she think this is a nice comfy sitch for her? I DON'T KNOW. Maybe the talk route would be good at some point where you calmly outline how her friendship with this person is really preventing you from growing in this R. Whether physical or not an emotional A can be just as damaging. At some future point this talk may be well received, who knows. No matter what, it tends to be empowering to state how you feel but often it's the way you do it that has positive or negative impact. If you are bashing someone over the head with your feelings all the time, that's bad. To be upfront but respectful, that's good. Just don't make ultimatums (unless you mean it) or be nasty. Welcome to limboland, wedge.
by GH: In response to the rest of what you said, a couple things jumped out at me. First was that you seem very motivated by fear. I think you need to work on that. You know that, but I figured I would say so anyway.
You’re right, I know that, and something I need to work on… one of the things about being a people pleaser I think. I’m always afraid of what other people will say so I hold back even though it hurts me. She did tell me at one point during the early days of the A being out in the open that she hated or resented the fact that we don’t fight, we don’t argue, that I just keep my feelings to myself. I would like to change that, I’ve been a little more vocal than I was before but again this fear that I might overdo it is what scares me. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I’ll have to rethink that part of my sitch.
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by: whatisis Limboland is a tough place to be. If you push will she bolt?
Again, the fear is there again, I’m afraid to push, because I’m unsure of what the outcome would be. I see it, I feel it, that she cares for our family and that she wants to work on our M but to tell her that I will only believe her that she’s is really committed when she dumps the OM is hard. It looks like I’m controlling.
I think that bolting thing keeps us all on pins and needles. I guess there is just no way we can know how any action we take will affect another person. That's what makes all this so tough. It's hard to be in a R but not know what the heck kind of R you are in! I figure patience is the key. Acknowledge small gains and wait. But, again, to share your frustrations and your hopes for the future together is probably a good thing. My W knows what I want our R to be cuz I told her! She just has to choose to work on it with me and, of course, dump the homewrecker! In all our sitch's time is key and who knows which of us will be able to tough it out and who has to call it quits. No shame either way. Reality is that even if you wait and work there is no guarantee anything you do will make a lick of dif. So we each do what we can for as long as we can. That's all we can do. I am heading to vacation land now, see you in a week. Yes, the wife and kids minus the homewrecker. Keep us posted on your sitch.
