First off, if you are not seeing the "shrink" then hell yes, you need to.
In response to the rest of what you said, a couple things jumped out at me. First was that you seem very motivated by fear. I think you need to work on that. You know that, but I figured I would say so anyway.
Second, one of the things my W told me she hated about my personality was my passive/aggressive nature. She was DEAD on about that. I figured this out about myself VERY early on in therapy. It's manifestation in my sitch was mainly that when I would get upset or something would bother me, I would not express it right away, I would stew on it for a long time, even days, before, usually at a completely inappropriate time, blowing up.
What my W asked me to do, and might help in your sitch, is to not do that. She asked me to just express when I was upset or didn't like something. To be assertive WHEN something bothered me, not a week later. Of course, she does the same thing but we're not talking about her.
I have tried to do this and it has made a difference. Things she would normally ger really defensive about when I would wait to talk to her she now did a much better job of being calm about. Sure, I get the occasional argument from her, but part of being direct "in the moment" is that you aren't really filtering for how SHE will feel about what you say, and that's the biggest problem with the "other" way. When you stew on something, it's usually because you're afraid of what she'll say or do because of what YOU say or do. When you release that fear, it's a lot easier to just be assertive WITHOUT being angry or aggressive. It's a fine line, but once you start to figure it out, it can make a BIG difference in your life.
