Something I just remembered during my last talk with the W about our R. I had mentioned that I am very surprised at where we were at presently compared to when the bombed was dropped late April, early May. W said between that time and when we were talking “I had changed”. Now me being kind of still in my confused state did even ask about “what changed”.
There is one major thing in our M that had bugged her the past couple of years. I did not look back in my previous posts to see if I had mentioned it but since we were married I was not driving at all. I had mentioned that I had a physical disability that kind of hinders me from driving a vehicle with no hand controls. We had hand controls installed in our car and it’s been on there for 3 or so years without me using it. I got used to her doing all the driving, dropping me off and picking me up at work, driving for errands, basically everything. She did tell me in the past to get my drivers license but I did not, thinking she was just giving me a hard time about but I it was one of the things she said that kind of soured our R. She felt she was just there as a caretaker rather than a wife.
May 2006, she was going to start a new job during the day!, a big move from working the night shift for 6 years. This move to the day shift also cut her exposure to the OM who worked at another department where she used to work at. I don’t know if that was a blessing in disguise or she wanted to see for herself if she can put a little physical distance between the two of them. Knowing my W was going to be gone fulltime during the day I made it a goal to get my driver’s license and I did.
By the third day of her working the day shift I was driving myself to work, going to the store, going to the library, driving myself to MC, taking my son to swim lesson, the works. I go to the store to get my own ingredients for cooking (I do most of the cooking by the way). Since that time I started driving she probably had gone to the store about 3 or 4 times for grocery. I even drive her around town when we go visit friends or go to the mall, to the movies, and lately to her tennis practice. She has invited me twice now in the last couple of weeks to go watch her as long as I drive her over, not that I’d mind. She’s basically living the life I’ve denied her for the past few years. She doesn’t even have to worry about the finances because I handle that too. We’re going on our second year in our own house and even though we’re not well off, we’re living comfortably.
That is basically the missing part of my story. I might have missed a few items but if you’re curious, just ask and hopefully I can fill it in. She treats me like she used to if not better but the one thing I cannot live with is the OM’s presence in our relationship. She is aware of that but at this point in our R, I’m not sure if I’m even entitled to make any demands. The one thing that will probably make me the happiest since this all started is if she will be able to tell me ILY. I tried it before but not the reply I was expecting. Today, my S8 and I met her during lunch break for burgers and when we dropped her back off at her work she smiled and said “ILY Guys!” That was nice feeling, but I was wishing for one just for me.
I think this maybe the longest post I have made during my short time on this board. When it comes to long posts, GH is my hero, hahah!
I think you are seeing that some things can make a difference! You went out and got your license, that was a change. It was something that changed her view of you as someone who can't/won't change. Look for more of those kind of things. Trust me, I would melt if I heard "ILY guys" The trick is to take the gifts you are given and maybe next time the ILY will be just yours! You are doing great.
Wedge, way to go on the drivers license! That is all part of GAL. Maybe after all these years of driving you around your wife started to resent you. You did a 180 and got your license. The burden of always being the one to drive has been lifted from her shoulders.
As far as ILY's, sometimes it is hard for our S's to say that because of the guilt they feel. When she says ILY guys, take it - baby steps, remember.
Mama and whatisis, I really feel that license thing was the biggest thing I have ever done for this M. My W thinks and looks at me like I'm a different person (the good kind). But still deep inside me, I think why did it have to take an A or a job change for me to get up and do it.
At one point during the darkest times of this mess, I even thought, well maybe now that I drive myself around it won't be too bad if she had walked away.
One thing that we had brought up during out short conversations about our R is that we are both glad that "hot heads did not prevail" during the times when we were arguing , not really arguing but discussing the A and how we're going to deal with it. If hot heads and anger did prevail then, we won't be where we are right now. Both of us cannot see our S8 with separated parents though. We both agree that he is kind of the glue that was holding us together even though there were a lot of friction during that time.
The other day she had mentioned that she might have plans during the weekend to hang out with her friends. I asked, like who? She said, "guess". I did not like that one bit but I did tell her that I'm not stopping her and that doesn't mean I like it either. I asked if I had anything to worry about and she said, "I don't think so".
A couple of days later, my sister asked if she could take S8 with them to California for the weekend, W and I agreed but then she realized that I was going to be by myself Saturday when she goes out to hang out with her friends. I don't know if she's still going, or if she had already cancelled knowing I will be by myself while she's out having fun. I did not give any comments when she said that.
My plan today if she is still going is to let me know when she's about to get ready so I can leave the house and not see her preparing and leaving to meet her friends and OM. Does that sound reasonable?
Quote: But still deep inside me, I think why did it have to take an A or a job change for me to get up and do it.
Why, because after a while we all tend to take our lives for granted. I do not condone what your wife did though, she should have talked to you about it instead. (FYI, I wish my H did the same, instead of running to the arms of OW)
Quote: At one point during the darkest times of this mess, I even thought, well maybe now that I drive myself around it won't be too bad if she had walked away.
That is how you should be feeling. Do not become so codependent that you no longer can do things on your own.
As far as her going out with "friends". Let her. Remember, you cannot control her. Don't pressure her to feel sorry for you because you will be alone. Pressure = run. Instead, let her think that you are looking forward to this time to yourself. Find something to do that will give you joy and take your mind off of this crisis. You will be OK!!
why did it take so long, you ask? Because life just takes over and we get comfy. That can't be changed, the present can. I look back at my M and in many, many ways I was super-hubby but there are things I would do differently. But I can only deal with today and that is what I do! Another 180 for you might be to enjoy your time alone. My W goes out one night a week for a few hours (after the kids go to bed) and, yes, it hurts inside but it is also a chance for me to do things for me e.g. read a book or whatever. She usually just says "I'm going now" and motors on out the door. I don't usually get to say anything, not that I want to say anything nice! What is is! I will pick my battles and stay strong to fight them. I will win! You will too if you pace yourself properly. Also, it is a good thing to realize that yes, you can live without this person. You don't want to but if you have to you can. It's empowering. It doesn't mean you love her any less. As far as tonite, I think to just disappear would be kind of P/A. It's saying "I don't like what you are doing and I am sulking by taking off." It's a punishment. Maybe tell her you are going to have dinner and catch a movie or something and therefore won't be home when she leaves, then you won't be there and you'll be doing something for yourself too. And lastly, when my W dropped the bomb on me, I told her "we don't have to make any rash decisions here, we can take our time". Having children makes you very cautious about forcing a separation. You are right, you wouldn't be where you are today if you had of acted impulsively. Thank God for kids! Have a great night! Do it for you.
W did go on with her plans to go out with her friends and OM. I left the house before while she was getting ready and when I walked by her I just said "see you later", no kiss, no hug, no nothing. I did not look back to see the expression on her face but I did not feel right, before I walked out the door, I turned around and went back to the bedroom, she was in the bathroom, I knocked on the door, walked in and said "that was not very nice of me", I gave her a kiss and said see you later. That, from what I saw caught her by surprise.
Me, I stopped at my work, called friends and we are going to shoot some pool tonight. I was hoping not to stay out too late but we'll see what happens.
Monday, I think will have to schedule to see the MC, haven't gone in about a month now. I will tell the W I am going and she is free to join me if she'd like to. I need someone to tell me in person that I'm not crazy. LOL.
You aren't crazy and you did great! Hope you had a wonderful time shooting pool. You GAL! You also contained your hurt and anger and gave her something to think about, "Surprise sweetheart, I got a life too" . Keep it going!
P.S. How was that? Too long, lol. Am I still your hero?
LOL, that one post doesn't change anything.
Anyways, I went out and shot pool with a buddy and stayed out til about 11:30P at that point we decided to call it a night and start driving home. As I was driving I had received a txt message from the W that she would be home later than she had told me, she's going to a house party. That did not sound good to me at all, not one bit. What happened to "Do I have anything to worry about?" question the other day when she told me about her plans. I was dissapointed Saturday night. Sunday morning was even worse, she did not come home until 11AM. All kinds of emotions were raging in my head, my chest, my whole body. But, I imagined that BIG STOP SIGN and tried to sleep it off.
Sunday morning, I had my coffee, sat in front of the computer to take my mind of whatever crazy thoughts I was having. That did not last very long, so went back to bed and moped some more. I actually dozed off for an hour maybe two and then got up again. Staying in the house was going to drive me nuts so I figured it might help to do some driving around town, go to the store or something. I was on the way to Home Depot when my cellphone rang, it was the W. I was not sure what to say or do so I did not answer it on purpose. She did not leave a message, so here I am thinking, ok, what now? I made it to Home Depot, parked and sat there for a few minutes then I decided to just go back home, I was confused.
I got home and W's car was parked in the driveway, I braced myself for whatever. I got in, she was changing and arranging some stuff in the bedroom. She asked me what I did the night before and I just replied with "nothing, just drove around". I asked her about hers and she told me that when she sent me the text message the guys decided they were going to a strip club and she went with the ladies to a party.
At this point, I got so much stuff in my head I don't even know what to say and she always asks me "what are you thinking?" I'm not very vocal about my thoughts, and english is not my first language. I did manage a reply that whatever she's been doing it seemed like she was doing it on purpose. That I knew and realize that I was not fair to her before and that I am making it up to her slowly, but still her actions seem to me that she's rubbing it in my face.
We sat on the couch and I managed to get more words out of me. I said, I did not want to play the "put yourself in my shoes line" but I was just going to anyway since we're here talking.
How would she feel if I was out with a person that ADMITTED TO HER that she has feelings for me and then I stay out all night and not come home until LATE in the morning? She said she fully understands how I feel, and that she just did not communicate whatever she was doing properly. I said “how so?” She said the OM ditched her for strippers! I replied, “Sorry but that’s his problem”. She said she did not do a very good job at the text message she sent, she did not say who she was with and other details. I did stress the fact that she did not even call to let me know what to expect. She said she did not like talking to me on the phone when she tells me something like that because she hears/feels the disappointment in my voice. I said I understand but at least after the conversation I will not be going crazy thinking. She also said that she got used to me calling her and asking where she was. Controlling her was not one of the things I do not want to do and keeping tabs on her by calling her cell was one of the no-nos. She understood that and again reiterated that she did not do a very good job of telling me about what she was going to do.
I asked about why she did not come home, she said she was not in the condition to drive and she immediately came back with I know you want me to let you know where I was and she knew that if I knew where she was I’d drive over and pick her up. At this point I just believe what she tells me, if I’m going to learn to trust again, today was a good day. We talked about other things which I cannot remember right now while typing this long-ass post. I laid on the couch for a bit and she reached over and just played with my hair and touched my face. This went on for a few minutes and I just said, let’s go watch a movie. She asked, if I meant a DVD. I replied, “no, I just want to get out”. She was all for that. She called her brother while we were driving and in that conversation she said we were going on a date.
The rest of the day went very well, the movie was funny, drove back home. We sat down on the couch and she asked me if we could take a nap. I said yes, and suggested we nap on the bed. She said that would be a good idea since it’s cooler in the room. She laid close to me and held me and my face close to hers. I said “I missed you last night”, she said, “I’m sorry”. She asked if I slept the night before, and I said I think so. When we woke up 3 hours later, I told her I guess maybe I did not sleep at all the night before. She thought that was funny.
A bad night and a bad early morning turned out pretty well. Do I still have doubts in my head? Sure! I have lots but I’d like to trust her but right now I can’t bring myself to demand or to ask for her to make me trust her. I long for the day when she will tell me contact with the OM is over and that I am the only one for her. She’s at home right now, giving me affection and attention and I will take that for now before asking for the rest of the world.
Am I still your hero?