quote:Originally posted by Harmony: I'm struggling with the same feelings. I feel like it's my job to meet HIS needs AND it's my job to meet MY needs. There's just no fairness or equity in it.
I think we have to let go of the whole notion of equity. When we feel this way, resentment builds. At the same time, our SO is very likely feeling the same way. So we end up in a pissing contest.
I've found that in order to get on the same team, we've gotta stop keeping score. I've always thought of myself as a giving person until my W blasted me as being controlling. I guess that the way I divided up the responsibilities made W feel like SHE had the lions share, and I wasn't listening when she complained. So now, without pointing it out to her, I'm doing as much of "her" responsibilities as I can. It seems to me that she's taking advantage of this. In her mind, I owe her. But, gradually, she's taking some of the responsibility back.
quote:Originally posted by KentS: W, on the other hand, is appreciative of the time she gets to work on defining herself. She shows it with small words and small deeds. I have discovered that this is her way. I think trust returns in small doses if we allow it to. However, we never get back to our original position of "blind trust". I'm not so sure this is a bad thing. I can also say I don't give W ready access to the me inside. I also have found she does not want ready access, just limited access.
I think that part of the WAW phenomenon is that women, and especially stay-at-home-moms (like my W) get swollowed up in the caretaker role. They lose themselves. So, at this point in time, our Ws don't feel a "need" for a close R. They want to fill the gap in their lives, and that doesn't include us. This is when they need space, and that's when us guys start to pursue.
Kent, I agree that our goals are never identical. But we always have common goals. It's really a matter of which goals are most important to each of us. When our spouse's most important goal is to define themselves, and ours is a closer R, conflict arises. But if we can let them pursue their goals - even help them with them - then the relative importance of those goals will diminish. When that happens, the common goals will bubble to the surface.
Harmony, ALTL:
To me, it looks like you're embarking on the same path. Your Hs are content to let you take care of the R. They figure it's your problem. IMHO, the solution is (as Harmony said) to embrace the separateness. BUT, at the same time, don't give in to it. Maybe your Hs won't help you work on your R right now, but don't let that stop you. It's a balancing act.
Me2, Until our priorities shift in such a way as they get closer together, I think we have to split ourselves in two. It's a way of keeping order in the chaos. But, like I said, if we help our spouses with their goals (outer world), eventually, we'll be able to let them into our inner world.
