Our team lost, that sucked but I think I broke even so I hope. Tonight she opened up and asked me if yesterday I was giving her an ultimatum. In the most sincere way I can, I said no. That conversation was brought up by the book I was reading when she asked me how it was. I did not know how else to say whatever I said yesterday was not something I had planned. She brought up that sometimes she thinks that I just do those things to make her feel bad. I reminded her that I have not done anything stupid since she saw me read that DB book. And I wasn't planning on doing anything that stupid. This is what you guys call a backslide?? I did tell her that I cannot erase whatever I said yesterday and that none of that was intentional.
New day, had a little R talk with the W about Sunday's event. A major major mistake on my part talking about trial separation and all that crap from another book. Today, W said that in her mind why bother with all this trying if it's going to be like this all the time. Have a couple of good weeks and then me drop the bomb on her like that. W thinks I did all the good stuff to prep her for a bomb like what I did Sunday.
W thinks that one day, I will just give up and get fed up with her and just call it quits and kick her out. 2 days without a goodbye kiss, painful to think about but I'm hoping there would be a better day tomorrow, again.
GH, I've been reading your threads and your response to other threads and I must say you sure can talk man! That is in a good way, I find encouragement in what you say and also in what you have accomplished. Thank you for that.
Quote: W thinks that one day, I will just give up and get fed up with her and just call it quits and kick her out.
With all that kind of talk around here recently, it's no wonder the WAS all think we'll ALL do this some day. I guess it's just how they think. Sadly, it's also how WE think much of the time. There's a reason (well, several) that we are told WE will be the ones to do all the hard work here. It's because WE are the ones still fighting for the marriage and unwillig to give up just because things SEEM bleak one day, week or month. Do we fight forever? No, but we fight so long as we can and not a minute less.
OT once told me (yes, it's this quote again, somewhat re-packaged) that I need to stop my bitching and complaining because I PICKED this path and now my suffering is nobody else's fault but my own. I am free to stop anytime I'd like, but so long as I am going to CHOOSE to fight, then I also CHOOSE to suffer the wounds of battle.
Having that said to me was a pivotal point in my progress because I was STILL thinking of myself as a victim and refusing to accept responsibility for my actions. I don't do that anymore. I FULLY accept responsibility for my situation and when I decide not to live this way anymore, I will make THAT decision and live with it.
So, back to my original point, we are told that one of the things that the WAS are afraid of is that we will do a "180" and quit on THEM when they finally come back so they stay away, not wanting to risk that pain...do you blame them?
GH
P.S. Thanks...I think...sometimes I think it's a curse rather than a blessing to be able to "talk" but again, thanks. I just hope I can help someone somewhere.
I was not able to update my post yesterday since work was a little busy. Yesterday looked like one of those days when everything would not go my way. When I got to work parking lot my W called my cell checking on how S8's swim lesson went and the conversation was suprisingly happy-toned compared to when she left for work. That made the rest of my day!
To add to the phone call, I go in to work and checked email and there was one from my W. She said that she knows that the situation is hard for me and how indicisive she is right now. How she doesn't know what to do and how she doesn't know how long it will take her to come around. She acknowledged that what I said was just speaking my mind and how she feels bad for me and S8 and how she feels she is letting S8 down as a mom. She wants to say sorry but right now sorry doesn't cut it.
Since my last posting on the 7th of June, things have been great. W has been very nice and even more "touchy". I have been DBing my butt off, for a couple of weeks now and again I'd like new people around here that it works. It gives you a whole new perspective into the world of A's. If you are open minded, it will help you deal with the emotions and anger that normally comes with the situation. The first time I read DB, it just opened me up to a whole new way of dealing with my W's A.
The icing on the cake would be when my W finally tells me that the communication with OM is over. Right now, I know it's not. She acknowledges that she knows what to do, but when she's going to do it, she doesn't know. I kind of feel her pain but at the same time I'm hurting still. I quit smoking once and it wasn't easy. I had to use a nicotene patch to help me. I'm going to help her get over this OM by becoming her "patch", the new irresistible me will fix that addiction.
Ok, enough ranting, I just wanted to update the thread about what's going. Who knows, maybe my next post would say... IT'S OVER!
Oh, we're going on vacation on the last week of June for our anniversary... I didn't think we would be celebrating it, but she's all for going out of town and spending a week together with our S8.
Everytime W holds me, touch me, kisses me, smiles at me, I'm trying so hard not to say ILY. I'm afraid to say it because of how fragile the situation is but I'm needing the reassurance. I can't rush things right now. Just venting again.
you know i felt the same way, but in my opion if she is hugging you kissing you, and smiling at you, shes comming around. theres nothing wrong (in my opion) to tell her how you feel if you dont make her feel presured. if she is kissing and hugging and smiling, then tell her you love her. and then ask her if it is all right for you to say that, or would she perfure you didnt. i did it and she told me she loved me back. i was scared also, but i finally said why not and said it. try it, ask her if its ok or is it still too early to say it. she will tell you either way, mine did.
First, things have been good between W and I, not perfect but much better than where I was about a month ago. We were driving on the way home yesterday and this song played on the radio. She said... "listen, this is my song". I almost bawled in the car after while listening to the lyrics... my S8 was in the backseat. Check it out and see for yourself.
Quote:
"Unfaithful"
Story of my life Searching for the right But it keeps avoiding me Sorrow in my soul Cause it seems that wrong Really loves my company
He's more than a man And this is more than love The reason that the sky is blue But clouds are rolling in Because I'm gone again And to him I just can't be true
And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful And it kills him inside To know that I am happy with some other guy I can see him dying
I don't wanna do this anymore I don't wanna be the reason why Everytime I walk out the door I see him die a little more inside I don't wanna hurt him anymore I don't wanna take away his life I don't wanna be... A murderer
I feel it in the air As I'm doing my hair Preparing for another date A kiss upon my cheek As he reluctantly Asks if I'm gonna be out late I say I won't be long Just hanging with the girls A lie I didn't have to tell Because we both know Where I'm about to go And we know it very well
Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful And it kills him inside To know that I am happy with some other guy I can see him dying
I don't wanna do this anymore I don't wanna be the reason why Everytime I walk out the door I see him die a little more inside I don't wanna hurt him anymore I don't wanna take away his life I don't wanna be... A murderer
Our love, his trust I might as well take a gun and put it to his head Get it over with I don't wanna do this Anymore Uh Anymore (anymore)
I don't wanna do this anymore I don't wanna be the reason why And everytime I walk out the door I see him die a little more inside And I don't wanna hurt him anymore I don't wanna take away his life I don't wanna be... A murderer (a murderer)
